Alyson Roth

Hope That Walks!

2012-01-10T22:55:00.000-08:00

I have been blessed by the opportunity to utilize a new technology to help people with disabilities have the opportunity to "walk" again. Ekso Bionics (formerly Berkley Bionics) asked me to be a test pilot to which I quickly said "YES!" to back in December!

I still search for words to describe how undeniably grateful I am for the chance to use this amazing technology. To be upright, walk, feel my knees bend, use arm crutches, have nothing in front of me, and for a couple hours forget that I was paralyzed will always be one of the most memorable moments in my life. Also, I took some of my last steps in the Bay Area, so to return to the same place where I was last walking and walk again? Indescribable and emotional.

I hope you enjoy this video put together by a friend of mine. Thank you again, Ekso Bionics! You are doing amazing things to help bring hope back to those who almost lost it like myself.

An Apple A Day

2011-12-11T13:56:00.001-08:00

This past week has been fairly rough for me. I have done a lot of reflecting on certain situations, and two that predominantly stick out for me is that 1) I cannot allow others' actions to create a reaction in me, and 2) I need to be true to who I am rather than who I think people want/expect me to be.

I had a major meltdown Monday evening triggered by someone else's actions (or lack thereof.) It brought me to a very low place - similar to that of where I was this past summer around the anniversary of when my disability occurred 11 years ago. I cried and cried, then cried some more as my mind and emotions spiraled downward. I knew better than to try to fight this alone, so I reached out to a friend who calmed me down.

The next day was not so awesome either, but I forced myself to go to work as I knew it was better to be around people than to be alone. Later that evening, I had to go to the Apple store to get my laptop fixed. I had just shot pictures of an event the previous weekend and needed to get them processed but was unable to because of my laptop not charging. Earlier that morning, I had prayed to God that he would please show me that He cared, saw my tears, and heard my hurt heart.

The Apple "Genius" looked at my computer (mind you, they had just fixed this same problem last week) and said he'd have to send it out to get fixed. I could tell he was in a hurry, he was working through his lunch break, and probably was just trying to get me out the door. But, I told him I couldn't go without a computer because I had projects I needed to have completed, especially since this was just fixed a few days ago. I was beyond frustrated now, especially with the mood I was in emotionally with the triggers that were surrounding me. This was the last thing I needed.

Long story short, the Apple guy decided to give me a BRAND NEW MacBook Pro. I literally think time stopped. I asked him if I was being punked and he said, "No, it's yours. For free." ????

I immediately started crying. I knew it was God speaking to me. He looked at me and I shared with him about my disability and the emptiness I had been feeling the last two days and how I had prayed that God would pleeeease just make Himself evident to me that he still was here for me. I told him that what he just did was the answer to the prayer I had prayed. I think he was as shocked as I was in a different way to which he asked if he could hug me. He said that I still have a task to do here on earth. Again, I knew that was straight from God.

I'm still in shock and can't believe that God spoke to me in such a powerful way. Only two people knew how I was really feeling the night prior. There are days that I think that God is going to heal me. And there are days that I'm super confident where I KNOW God is going to heal me. And then there are days that were triggered by this person to where I wonder if God even cares. God showed up at the Apple Store that evening and provided the "burning bush" I needed.

I arrived home and about an hour later got a phone call from a good friend who I met through the Ms. Wheelchair California pageant last year. She asked if I was interested in participating in something that literally was another "burning bush" moment from God that gave me hope to believe in hope! I'm sitting here in the San Diego airport typing this blog as we speak headed to a once in a lifetime opportunity to which I'm so, so blessed and thankful.

I don't believe things happen coincidentally. Especially in this instance, there is no way that these two things could have happen almost simultaneously. God is for real, people! No matter how doubting, "bad", or angry you are, He still cares! (And sometimes throws in a new laptop on top of it all!)

I have learned in this past week not to surround myself with unhealthy people or people that will only bring me down. I'm in such a good place now that I've released these negative thoughts and attitudes, and it's apparent because God is blessing my realization for dependency on Him. I learned to be okay with who I am and not be what I think others expect me to be. I am an individual, unique, and amazing person who God created to do a certain task that no one else can do. I can't be someone else, because that would be intruding on their life path. Mine is my own. And the awesome part is that I get to choose who is a part of it. I don't have time anymore for unauthentic people. So as I begin to wrap up 2011, I'm slowly starting to reevaluate my relationships, priorities, and responsibilities so that 2012 is the best ever!

Lose Control

2011-11-28T15:30:00.000-08:00

Last night, I found myself in a place where I was not in control of life situations like I'm used to. And it all happened without too much warning. It was a moment where I felt vulnerable, scared, and embarassed all at the same time, yet I tried to hide all three feelings because I was trying to stay in control and not let people see the fear on my face. I don't think I did an awesome job at that, but I am proud of myself for confiding in someone that understood and knows about 95% of me. I'm thankful I had that trustworthy friend to count on during that time who literally stayed by my side throughout all of it.

In that state, however, I began to see a very powerful lesson.

"It's okay to not be in control all the time."

I don't know how to do that all so well. It seems like it may not be all that miraculous of an "ah ha" moment, but for me - for someone who has now been semi-forced to be in control of my life due to this disability - it was a freeing feeling of spontenaity. Nothing seems spontaneous anymore, yet for a brief moment, I experienced it because I felt safe. You see with this disability comes a position that no matter how out of control things get, there's a part of us that has to be somewhat in control for us to carry on with every day activities. Most outsiders don't understand this. But for eleven years of trying to stay on top of this disability - keep it under control - it was a very foreign feeling. Not only was I not able to articulate what I needed, but I had to put my complete faith and trust in someone during a situation that was very much like how I got hurt eleven years ago. Back then, I put my faith in someone who I trusted 100%, yet the outcome then didn't turn out so well then. Those same feelings came back as I sat in the passenger seat of my car. Once again, I was putting my faith and trust into someone who I believe in 100% to have my back. I had to let go of control and simply trust. And I did.

It's moments like that where you see who your true friends are - those who will stand by you when you're at your best and at your worst. I'm not sure that I'm still able to fully articulate what I was taught in that brief moment of wisdom, but I'm fully aware that it was another step towards authenticity in me. I need to allow myself to go there more often. Let my "castle wall" down a bit more, be okay with who I am, let go of control, and surrender to trusting people more easily who I know care about me and won't judge.

It doesn't matter what the obstacle is in life, there's always a lesson that comes from unpredictible moments. For me, I learned that with life, sometimes it's okay to be a bit "out of control. :)

Age vs. Experience

2011-10-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

I have been alive for 284,496 hours since I first took my first breath. I bet my parents can remember those first few hours of my life, or those early hour feedings, or the hours I spent crying after someone hurt my feelings. But when I look at the number of hours I've been alive, I think, "Wow, that doesn't seem like all that much," seeing that the average person has 723,000 hours available to them to do with what they'd like. So what is age really? Does age matter?

Over the last two months, I've really given some deep thought into how much age plays in life - whether it be personally, professionally, emotionally, or mentally. How much does someone who is 5 have in common with someone who is 10? How much does someone who is 25 have in common with someone who is 35? How much does external circumstance influence a persons "mental" age compared to their "actual" age?

According to studies, up until the age of 5 years old, the child inside of us has learned how to attach to others for emotional security, explore by through curiosity, assert ones self in their identity by becoming secure in the sense of who he or she is, and begin to become competent in his or her own sense of personal power in order to achieve something greater. Each of these stages happens at a different age level, but each is so important in order to build off of the other. If one step gets neglected, the child is essentially "stuck" at that mentality until he or she works through it. (Thus the reason all of us need to be in counseling because let's face it, none of our parents were perfect, and we as current or future parents aren't going to be perfect!) It isn't until ages 7-13 years old that we develop a sense of sympathy, care, and concern for others, and ages 13-19 years old to integrate that into the ability to love and be responsible to ourselves and society. Deep stuff.

My earliest memory is probably at the age of 2 years old. We lived in a little house in Minnesota. There are three specific things I remember about that house - my dad had built a play set for me, the red barn in the back right hand corner of the backyard, and a garden in the far left hand corner. I remember squatting down in my two year old overalls next to my dad in the garden as he taught me all about potatoes and how they grew under the ground and compared them to carrots since they grew under the ground, too. I remember him letting me pull up one carrot - even though it was too early for it to be pulled. I remember the leafy green top being very luscious and looked as though from the top it was ready to be pulled, however once I pulled it out, the carrot was probably only two inches long and very skinny. My dad knew it wasn't time for it to be pulled, but he allowed me to explore my curiosity. It's amazing to me that I can remember that early back.

But during these 284,496 hours of life that I've lived, not all of them have been good memories. Naturally as a human being, I've had pain, disappointment, and loneliness in my life. Feelings of abandonment, feelings of not being good enough, and feelings of anger, rage, and hatred. Sometimes, these feelings have happened all at the same time! I don't feel, however, that these "wounds" have limited my life. In fact, I honestly don't think my age reflects the knowledge that I've gained from these experiences. There may be things that I now have to do to compensate for things that have happened in my life, but it doesn't mean that I'm not able to continue on. It doesn't mean that I have to be "stuck" at that level or be put in a category because of something that happened to me.

You see, my dad knew it was too early to pull the carrot up from the garden. But in order for me to learn that there is a growth period for carrots to be full and mature, he had to allow me to explore. Was the carrot inedible? Absolutely not! It was actually just the right size for my two year old self! :) But many lessons can be brought about from that simple example. Sometimes our curiosity brings us down a path that may or may not be a healthy choice, but it still can result in good depending on how you look at it. Though the carrot was small, it was still edible. Was it enough for a salad? No. But I learned. At the time, my dad was probably in his early 30's, but he gave me a chance. He loved me, taught me, protected me, and cared about teaching me even though I may have been disappointed that the carrot didn't look like the ones I had seen in the grocery store. At that time, I remember looking up at him with a confused look on my face as he simply said, "It's okay," and explained to me why it was so little. Age didn't matter in that moment. I'm sure I taught him something, too.

I've heard it said that with age comes wisdom. I'm not so sure about that, to be honest. There are a lot of people older than myself who are dumber than dirt. Sorry, but it's true. And there are some who have all the papers and degrees in the world saying they are smart, but they don't know how to treat people with kindness and dignity. And then there are others who are younger than me who have taught me how to be a better person, shared with me the hurts of their past, and shown me how they've overcome them. Age, in my opinion, doesn't matter. Experience is what matters to me.

What have you done with the hours you've had available to you? Have you wasted them away? Have you paid it forward to someone else? Have you allowed your experiences to help or hinder you? I'd rather be around people who have had horrible pasts but are wiser because of them and use their hurts for the good of others - despite their age - than people who have every degree in the world but don't have compassion in their heart.

Allow yourself to reach out to others if you need help (forget the "you have to be strong on your own" stuff), explore new things or ideas and find out for yourself if it's what you believe (rather than believing it just because someone "said so"), learn how to assert yourself in what you find (rather than being aggressive and combative), and know that you can overcome hurdles in your life that were once painful. Through this process, I believe you'll learn how to love and how to have compassion for others, regardless of age, and become a responsible person. I know I have.

Age vs. Experience? I vote for experience.

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." Henry David Thoreau

Change Has COME!

2011-09-26T20:29:00.001-07:00

Do you remember your first day of kindergarten? All I remember of the very first day of my education is getting on the bus, and that's about it. What various aspects of kindergarten I remember, however, is nap time, Show and Tell, the Line Leader, Door Holder, etc, and reading Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham" and then later making actual green eggs (with food dye) and ham. Kindergarten these days, however, has changed. They've done away with nap time. Show and Tell might happen if the teacher decides she needs a break one week. And the list of responsibilities has been revamped to no longer include a door holder, no library stick holder, no ice cream person, and no caboose among others. This kind of makes me sad as I sat with a friend of mine's kindergartener a few weeks ago at dinner (pictured above) and discussed all things kindergarten-y. My, how times have changed. And he's so, so smart at 5 years old! (I guess that's what happens when you get rid of nap time!)

But, times DO change! And another type of change has happened in my life which is bittersweet but good! I've known about all of this since mid-August, but with all that's been going on in my life, I haven't had a chance to blog about it! So... (drum roll, please) ... I have been offered a great opportunity to grow with another company! Free Wheelchair Mission will forever be a part of my heart and my life. Much of my growing came from there, and it was an answer to a prayer in so many ways. But, this past Friday was my last day there and let me tell you - so sad! As I walked out the door towards my car, I teared up as I looked back at that door and realized I walked out of there a better person than I did over four years ago when I started. I am grateful.

For personal reason's I'd rather keep my new company under wraps right now, but I am excited about the new adventure and learning experience. Today was my first day and was greeted by many excited faces happy to see me. How warming! And in Free Wheelchair Mission style, I brought brownies for everyone! (I'll have to become the new "Pam" at my new office. Ha!) As the days go forward, I know that I will grow equally as much as I did at Free Wheelchair Mission. My mom has always said, "You get out of it what you put into it." I will be working very hard to improve myself professionally and personally while hopefully also making a difference in the lives of others around the country. It was a day full of meetings, but it gave me a good "get your feet wet" temperature gauge of how the company runs. And naturally, I came home after work and took a nap right away! :) (Nap time still exists in my house!)

It's interesting to me that God put this sense of change in my spirit about a year ago, and looking back at experiences I've had over this past year, it has prepared me for what I walked into today. New opportunities are a bit like starting Kindergarten, I suppose. Everything you learn is fun and educational... if you let it. No, I didn't get on a big yellow bus this morning, but driving in my car to my new office created a bit of the same nervousness and excitement I did that first time many years ago. Change is good, so here's to the next step in my journey!

Next Sport: Change

2011-08-18T16:26:00.001-07:00

Life throws some interesting curve balls, huh? Some I've been trained to catch, yet others knock me clear off my feet or I miss them completely. I'm still learning to catch them.

Growing up, we had a pitching machine in our backyard. It was awesome! My brother and I would go out there and hit off of it into the homemade net cage my dad made for it. We'd take turns feeding the machine so the other could hit. It's a fond memory of mine. My brother was in baseball since I can remember, and most summers were spent at the local baseball diamond. As I grew older, my love for baseball turned into the love of looking at the teammates in their uniforms! Ha! I think I flirted with half the team each year. My brother would just roll his eyes. My brother was a fantastic baseball player. He was always on the All-Star team (which led to me checking out a new flock of boys - lol), always the best player, and could play just about any position. He was trained well. (I'm sure from my expert ball-feeding abilities into the pitching machine! Ha!)

You see, however, that pitching machine only pitched one way. Straight. There was no option for it to throw a ball any other way, thus the accuracy of hitting the ball was quite high the more I hit. If it were to have been thrown in another direction at some random moment, I probably would have ducked! That unexpected curve definitely would not have been expected!

I've found the same to be true in my life when it comes to things I've practiced and have somewhat perfected. The accuracy of my knowledge and wisdom is pretty right on with the things I know. But when a curve ball gets thrown my way, most people say that the options are either "fight or flight." But there's another option. "Freeze." Unfortunately, I was raised in a household where the option was to "fight." Sometimes it's healthy, but most times it's not.

I'm stubborn. I know this about myself. I strive for perfection, and it's easier for me to just do something myself then to have others help. Growing up in school, I haaaaated group assignments. Why? Because I always ended up doing the project and everyone else got the good grade, too. I don't mind working with someone who is my equal, but I haven't found too many of those in life. Most of the time when left for someone else to do, I get screwed over.

Recently, I've met someone who is like the other side of my brain. It's actually pretty scary because we somehow know what the other is thinking before it's even said. In my opinion, we work pretty dang good together. This is a rarity in my life. But, I've also had to learn to be patient during the process because my head is thinking faster than I allow someone else to complete something. I think it's the whole " would rather do it myself" syndrome. Maybe it's perfection. Maybe it's control. Either way, it's something I realize I need to continually work on. But, it's nice to find someone who works just as hard towards the final product as I do.

I've also realized I've become frustrated when people just throw stuff together haphazardly in order to show someone else up - to beat them to punch. People who try to "one up" someone drive me bonkers! Yet another thing I need to work on - learning what to allow myself to get worked up about and what not to allow myself to be concerned over. Change will always be occuring in my life. The last year has brought about more change than I think I could handle, but at the same time, I think it's made me that much stronger. Mary Engelbreit said, "If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

I like the old Japanese proverb that says, "The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists." I want to be more like bamboo, but also know when to be strong like oak. There has to be a balance in my mind. Similar to the pitching machine as I was growing up. Because it threw straight all the time, I knew what to expect and anticipate. But had it thrown a curve ball every so often, maybe I'd be more equipped to knock another one out of the park. President John F. Kennedy also said, "Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future."

Life is full of change. Every day my life changes. I just have to learn how to catch the curve balls. :)

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courge to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Desperado

2011-08-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

I have so much to catch up on with blogging, but the last couple weeks have busy and full of ups and downs! So, let me back up to the week of my anniversary.

On Wednesday, July 27, 2011, I had hit bottom. I was questioning "Why?" more than ever before and honestly didn't think that anyone cared whether I was on earth or not anymore. I had decided that it was time for God to heal me, and He hadn't, so life would be better if I would just go away. The anticipation of my 11 year anniversary was simply too much to handle. The deep-seeded emotions that were a part of me that day do not have words and are hard to convey in a blog, but I was not in a good place at all. I was afraid of myself and what I could possibly do.

The evening before, I had to work at our annual gala for Free Wheelchair Mission. It was a good evening, but one that is always hard for me because even though we do good things to get wheelchairs to people in other countries, I honestly wish that wheelchairs weren't even necessary in this life! I'm not a fan of being in one every day, but at the same time, I truly don't know what it's like to not have one either. It's a weird, emotional night for me. Needless to say, the next day it was as if the bottom let out.

I was searching. Wondering if anyone cared if I was alive or dead, if anyone still cared that I was still hurting 11 years later, or if anyone would even take the time to say anything to me on Friday. All of my thoughts were full of sorrow and grief, and my mind had slipped - rather zoomed - into a deep depression. I cried non-stop that morning and decided it was best that I not go into work. My way of keeping myself "safe" is to escape into sleep-mode. So, that's what I did. I crawled back into bed and slept. Whenever I woke up, I would force myself back to sleep. When my mind is in this mode, life is easier to handle when it's not in reality. I didn't eat. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't turn on the television. I didn't care.

Late that evening, I decided to create an event on Facebook called "Walk A Mile In My Shoes." I honestly did it out of desperation. It was my way of crying out to people as if to say "hey, it may be 11 years, but I'm not okay with this yet!" The event was centered around inviting people to walk one mile wherever they live in "honor" of my 11 year anniversary on Friday, the actual day of the accident. The title came about as a way for me to "throw mud in people's faces" yet at the same time be genuinely sincere about the event. Part of me wanted for people to be reminded of the fact that I can't walk as they walked that mile. I wanted them to be reminded of all the things I can't do anymore. But the other side of me wanted them to truly take a moment to reflect and pray for me. I sent out the event to every friend I had in my Facebook account, anticipating maybe 5 people would do it.

I woke up the next morning to see that 40 people had already signed up! I was shocked! Why were these people doing this? Why did they care about me? I created this event as a way to prove to myself that no one cared... and it was backfiring on me! People actually cared! Throughout the day, friend's of mine invited other friends of theirs who decided to sign up to walk a mile. I think I spent more time that day picking my jaw up off the ground than pouting about why I was still in a wheelchair! I went to bed that evening with the first person having already completed a 5K in China in my honor!!!

The next morning, I woke up unusually early. I opened my eyes and a sense of peace and calm had swept over me. I laid there quietly in the stillness of the morning, thinking about how much my life had changed since 11 years ago. I was strangely content. I leaned back and looked behind me where my clock sat on my nightstand, and I smiled. It was the exact time of the accident 11 years ago. I inhaled slowly and exhaled with the calm that had entered my body. "Interesting," I thought to myself. I reached for my phone and got onto Facebook to see if anyone else had decided to join the "Walk A Mile In My Shoes" event. I was even more shocked! People from different countries, people I didn't know, friends of friends, my own friends, and family had decided to do this and over 140 people had committed to walking a mile on my behalf! I was stunned! I had nearly 20 messages from people posting encouraging words to me, pictures of them walking, and even my cousin decided to go so far to go through a hike in the woods (which is one of my favorite things to do!) knowing that I couldn't do that as easily anymore. The thoughtfulness of people I didn't know and people I did know took my breathe away. I was blessed, and people cared. I was reminded by God through other people that I was needed here on Earth. I felt so humbled.

Jennifer had posted a picture as her profile picture that I hadn't seen in quite some time. It was the last picture of me standing in my favorite place, Yosemite National Park. She and I were on Sentinel Bridge in front of Half Dome at the same time Alpenglow was getting ready to happen. I stared at that picture for a few moments, thinking back to who I was at that time when the picture was taken. I observed my face, my clothes, my stance. I remembered my thoughts and experiences, and I then tried to make a parallel to my life today. And there wasn't one. Looking at that picture made me realize how far I truly had come in life - regardless of the wheelchair! "Why do I want to go back to being her?" I asked myself. I couldn't find an answer. For the first time, I thought that it's probably okay to let the past stay in the past. It was a strange feeling to let go of that girl who I wanted so desperately to go back to being. But I realized I don't need to be that Alyson anymore. I don't need to yearn to be where she was or do what she could do because I'm so much wiser and stronger that I was then. This horrible circumstance created me to be a better person in so many ways, and I was thankful.

Just think. Two days prior, I was ready to throw in the towel and be done. I had confided in only two or three people of the way I was feeling. I wanted to end it all, and remember, my way of protecting myself from doing anything stupid was to just sleep. But because I reached out for help in more of a desperate manner than one of clarity, I was reminded how loved, cared for, and appreciated I was in life. The point is, I REACHED OUT! I was also able to remind myself how far I've come and hold my head a bit higher realizing that I had a purpose. It wasn't so much the act of people walking that helped me. It was the fact that people took the time to send an encouraging word. Yes, seeing them do something I can't do anymore was extremely rewarding. But hearing how I make a difference in people's lives was the true take away.

I don't say any of this lightly, and if you are considering that death is the only option for you, please reconsider. Reach out. Tell one person. There are people who care, even when you don't think there are.

My life verse is James 1:2-4. I carried that with me a lot that day, but I also carried Romans 8:38-39 with me more so that day. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Thank you so much to all of you who decided to participate in "Walk A Mile In My Shoes." You gave me a new perspective that I had no idea existed, and God used you to show me that life is worth living, no matter what the circumstance may be. Please remember (as I have been taught) how important it is to encourage people. You have no idea what they may be going through that day and may need YOU to just let them know how much they are appreciated. Love you all!

Mercies in Disguise

2011-07-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

I had a good morning today as I re-visited my church (long story) and was pleasantly surprised with the sermon. It challenged me to think deeper - a sermon that I want to reflect on later this week. It was on Romans 7:15-25 and titled "Winning the Battle Within Me." Basically, we simply don't have enough willpower to overcome anything. The passage is from where Paul is talking about, "I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I can't. I do what I don't want to--what I hate.” (verse 15) It was a good reminder that I'm not perfect and I'm not expected to be. There is literally an internal, spiritual battle going on inside all of us all the time in regards to the verse and circumstances or decisions in life. Yet through God's grace and mercy, He restores us - and Praise God that we need Him!

After church, I had lunch with my best friend/accountability partner and her husband along with a wonderful woman, Tiffany, and her husband and beautiful daughter. Conversation with good friends is always good, and meeting new people who have a heart, a passion, and an unbridled vigor for the Lord is so refreshing! Especially when laughter is involved! Revives my spirit!

I was in the car this afternoon after lunch and headed to Costco. Probably not the best day to go, but I needed some things and was in the area I've recently switched over from listening to Top 40 hits on my short commutes to a local Christian music station. Granted, some of the songs are things I've heard for umpteen million years (and honestly, I'm a bit tired of them). But, there are some new songs out that I haven't heard before that are honestly amazing, and it's interesting to see how my perspective of life changes when I'm encouraged and influenced in a more positive way.

One that particularly struck my heart with the lyrics was this song called "Blessings" by Laura Story. Have you heard it before? Listen, and be blessed. It spoke to me as did "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens did when I first became paralyzed almost eleven years ago. Powerful stuff, folks. I wonder what trials that I'm going through in life right now that are mercies in disguise. It's good to be reminded that this home is not our home, and good to be around friends who remind you that Jesus is our Everything! Happy Fourth of July, and God Bless America!

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life

Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life

Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst

This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise?

Power of One

2011-06-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

Adrenaline pumps through my veins at times like the scene in the picture above. Moreso when I'm the one on stage! This was taken this past weekend at an event I had the privilege to speak at called Fishfest. It's a cumulation of Christian bands, and over 17,000 people were in attendance. I had the honor to be interviewed by one of the radio show hosts, Lara Scott.

Once again, I have seen God unravel His plan for my life. I think I knew it all along from that very first time I spoke on stage at convocation at Samford University less than a year after my car accident. I've been told by musicians that while they're on stage singing, worshipping God, and in front of thousands that their eyes go blurry, they can't remember what was said or done afterwards, and that it's an almost out of body experience. I can echo the same experience when I speak. It literally is as if God is taking over my human body and speaking directly through me. The surge is electrifying, powerful, and dynamic.

So many wonderful people told me how well I did after I got off stage. And in all honesty, I feel a little guilty saying "thank you" after I speak. I never associate that it's me who speaks (spiritually), but rather I was reflecting the passion in my heart for what God's done in my life and the avenue's that He's allowed me to be a part of like Free Wheelchair Mission. It blesses me to know that I'm a blessing to thousands in developing countries get a wheelchair that they otherwise would never have use of in their life.

But the adrenaline during and afterwards take a good two hours or so to get flushed from my system. It doesn't matter what I'm speaking on - whether it be work related or my personal life - but I'm charged up by thousands of people hearing of God's work and how He took a broken person like me and decided to mold me and use my "not so flattering moments"' to better His Kingdom. I'm in awe of how the Lord works.

My friend of 20 something years posted the video of me speaking that evening on her Facebook page stating how much of an inspiration I am to her and others and how proud she was of me. You see, though, Brianna was the first person to call me up once I came home from rehabilitation and offered to drive me to church. She was instrumental in my life by bringing me back to the Lord's house. I was so self-aware during that time and embarrassed because of the wheelchair, the time it took to get in and out of the car, worried about what people thought of me, would people talk above me as if I wasn't there, would her taking my wheelchair apart to put in the trunk scratch her car, would my pants fall off when I transfered to the car seat, etc. Those of you who are newly injured or remember those first days know exactly what I'm talking about! But Brianna didn't treat me any differently from when I walking and skiing down the ski slopes of West Virginia with her than she did that day when I had to use a wheelchair to go into church. To this day, she is still as accommodating and aware of what I need yet treats me exactly the same as she did twenty years ago. She knows the unpleasant parts of my life, yet still loves me. She's seen me cry, yet still reaches out to hug me. She's seen the joys of my life and been there to cheer me on. I can't tell you what life would be like had certain things not happened to me, but I'm not sure I'd be where I am this day without her boldness and willingness to be there for me the first Sunday I was home from rehab to take offer to take me to church.

Sometimes, that's all it takes. One person reaching out, noting the obvious but also having the ability to look past it and still love you. "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10. I'm so grateful for those friends in my life who have stood by me through thick and thin, have heard my full testimony, know all about me, and yet love me still. That is the sign of a true friend and of someone who is loving as Christ loves us. I have succeeded in life because of those individuals who have believed in me even during my deepest, darkest hours - who have pushed me forward - and who remind me why I was created.

I hope I get to speak of God's love for me and all my faults for a long, long time. :)

God, You're Weird

2011-06-14T22:20:00.000-07:00

" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."

- Arabian Proverb

Growing up, I had more friends who I yearned to be friends with and to like me than I did real, true friends. We moved around a lot when I was younger, always in a different state until we finally settled in Georgia when I was 9 years old. So my early years were formed around that longing to have a deep friendship with someone that lasted until I was 100.

Throughout high school, I never felt like I fit in either. I was friends with a lot of different people, but none that I would really hang out with on the weekend. I had a lot of different groups of friends, and I could never imagine them all being in the same room together.

I was deeply hurt my senior year of high school by friends who I had considered close to me. They all decided to go to Disney World as their "Senior Trip" together. And they purposely didn't invite me, even though we had always talked about doing this together since we were in Junior High. Worst part was that I found out about it at the funeral of the father of one of those girls. But, I took the higher road and chose not to mention it or bring it up at the time because I knew she was hurting. I denied what I was feeling for the sake of hers.

In college, the same applied where I longed to make friends that mattered and were true, genuine friends who would accept me for who I was. I had heard that college is where you meet some of the best friends of your life. The School of Music is a very tight-knit group of students - predominately because you are doing all your classes together for the next four plus years. I gained the friendship of some wonderful men and women, but two who I was closer to than others.

One of those women was the one I was in the car accident with in July 2000. Our friendship was deep and authentic. I felt as if we were very much on the same level in so many ways, and she inspired me to walk closer to God. It was that summer in 2000 that she decided to come visit me in ministry in California. Then something so devastating happened that shredded our friendship almost completely. The accident.

For eight years, I was very hurt, lonely, sad, and confused. I didn't understand why something like my paralysis would tear us apart. I couldn't understand a God that would do this to me, to us. I blamed God. I blamed the car. I blamed her. I blamed everyone. She wanted nothing to do with me, so it seemed, and that separation from my best friend created a deep ache in me so much. After that eighth year, though, I started to look at both sides of the fence (so to speak). I tried as hard as I could to write out what exactly it was that bothered me and tried to also see things from her perspective. This vantage point gave me more insight than I could have ever understood before, and it led me to a place where I could ask for forgiveness for the pain I had caused her. "What?" you say. "What pain did you cause her? You're the one who is paralyzed!" Well you see, I had done my share of hurtful things to her as a form of revenge. I had never acknowledged them for fear of not being liked anymore. But at that point, what did I have to lose? She already wasn't in my life. So on our ninth anniversary, I had the opportunity to share with her all the things I had done wrong to her and ask her for her forgiveness. It was transformational! Healing began immediately both within myself and with her. In fact, we are closer now than we have ever been since the accident happened, and it's a reality I never thought would come true. It was 100% God who mended this relationship, but it was only after I first realized that I needed to be mended. After me, He could heal our friendship. I am blessed.

Back up to the other woman who I had become close with in college. For the first couple years, she was "that girl" who I really wanted to be friends with but didn't know how to or what to say. She was a bit intimidating to me because she was so much prettier than me, seemed to have more friends than me, and was liked by everyone. Yes, I wanted to be her friend. And throughout the years she became a good friend of mine. But it was our Junior year of college that our friendship began to blossom. And then, the accident happened. But rather than drift away from me as many did during that time, she drew very, very close to me. She was there for me when no one else was there to hear me cry. She was there to experience new adventures with me at a weekend camp for people with disabilities when I already felt so self conscience of myself. She was there with a beautiful bouquet of flowers for me for my one year anniversary after being hurt. She has been there for me for the past ten years when the one I was in the accident with wasn't. She is my kindred spirit, as Anne of Green Gables would say. She knew everything about me, and I trusted her.

I was there to help her pick out her wedding dress when our mutual friend proposed to her. She and I took a night away a week before she got married to have one last bonding moment together. Oh, the memories! I was there for her to zip her dress before heading out to the sanctuary. I took pictures of her, wrote down memories, and stored them away for a future anniversary. Her sister was a huge blessing to me during my Senior year of college after she got married, and I became very closer to her that year. I was part of the family. I was one of the first people she told that she was pregnant for all three of her babies. They were relocated because of Hurricane Katrina when their first was just a newborn, so I held a clothing/money drive at the school I worked at for just her family. I've sent her children Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, loved them as if they were my own, and cared about her family as if they were my own. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Again, she was my kindred spirit that I thought only existed in novels.

Because her, her husband, and I were all mutual friends since we were 18 years old (and her husband and my birthday are a day a part), he and I often had conversations about life, but all the time about his wife. Our last conversation was to plan a surprise birthday party for her (his idea). I would fly out there and meet her and have a much needed time away together with her. I was so excited about the surprise! But sadly, none of that would ever happen.

I trusted her with everything in my life - all the good and the bad. One day, I had shared with her about something I had done that I was not proud of. I was completely ashamed and confused as it was not like me at all to have done what I did. I was seeking wisdom, guidance, advice, and love. Not love from a human standpoint, but love that Jesus would offer. Within what seems like seconds later, I would not hear from her again. There are a couple more details in there that don't need to be mentioned, but I'd quickly be asked to not talk to her husband or her family. My heart broke.

This silence has gone on for about a year now, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her or her family. There has been some communication, but really, none that would amount to even a paragraph in a chapter. And definitely none via telephone. I learned years prior with the one I was in the accident with that I needed to figure out what it was that was my part in the situation, acknowledge my wrong-doings, ask for forgiveness, and hopefully move forward. I took some serious time to look at the things in question and admitted to what I knew about then requested forgiveness. But...silence. I've kept in contact with her this entire year - acknowledging anniversaries, birthday's, holidays, births, etc. I've called to just see how she's doing, emailed, sent snail-mail. I've also honored her request to not speak to her husband. But yet, it seems as if the roles have reversed and now I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to do anymore. I've done all that I know how to do, and it saddens my heart even more to not have this person in my life like it was prior. Maybe the timing was just coincidental, but a sin is a sin in Jesus' eye, no matter how big or small. I've forgiven myself. Jesus has forgiven me. And I've asked for her forgiveness. And now I'm just blabbering on with words that mean nothing anymore. I see her life move on, and it seems to have moved on without me. I'm once again left very hurt, lonely, sad, and confused, but this time by the one who has been there for me at my worst. I've been abandoned by my kindred spirit, and it's a hole that seemingly can't be filled.

I write all this out to just say that God is weird, and I don't know what to do. He's weird because it took a great lesson of eight years to learn that I had to look at myself first before trying to mend a friendship of another, and now that I've learned that lesson and I've done all the biblical principles to make healthy steps toward a better, Godly life, I still feel like I'm being punished. I don't get it, God. What's the lesson now? I thought You had brought me a Godly woman who was someone who I felt so comfortable with, could be myself around, share my joys and struggles with, and be authentic with without being judged, looked down on, or be seen as a "risk." I thought she was someone I could grow old with, watch our children get married some day, and share lemonade on the front porch with as we laughed about memories from the "good ol' days." I really don't want to let this friend go, but I'm getting worn out from investing in a dead end road. A friendship has dual communication, so maybe it is over and I need to move on? Perhaps there are friends that you really can't trust everything with? I don't know. It just makes me so sad that I haven't been able to share my past year with her and that I potentially won't be able to share my future with her, either.

God, You're so, so weird. You restored a friendship that I never thought would be restored, and now you're allowing one to leave that I've sought restoration from the biblical way. You obviously know what you're doing, but still, God. You're weird.

Just Because

2011-06-11T19:56:00.001-07:00

"I Carry Your Heart" by E. E. Cummings.

Happy vs. Grateful

2011-05-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

This was from our Staff Devotion today at work. I really liked the perspective it took on the difference between being happy and being grateful. I hope to choose to become more grateful...

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Have you ever known a happy person who wasn't grateful, or a grateful person who wasn't happy?

Perhaps a way to look at this is that happiness is a result of gratitude.

The wonderful thing about this is that, while we cannot always just choose to be happy, we can always choose to be grateful.

There is always something to be grateful about.

You can be grateful that you are alive and have opportunities to learn and grow and share love.

You can be grateful for the sun, the rain, the snow, the beauty of nature, the green of grass, the glory of trees, the color of flowers, the presence of animals, the food you eat.

If you have health, you can be grateful for that.

If you have friends, you can be grateful for them.

If you have a mate, children, a home, a car, a job, you can be grateful for them.

You can choose to be grateful for all the big and little things in life, each and every moment.

The more you choose to notice what is good and beautiful, the happier and more peaceful you will feel.

On the other hand, there are always things to complain about if that is your choice.

Instead of noticing the beauty of the flowers, you can complain about having to water them.

Instead of being grateful for the opportunity to be alive, you can complain about how hard it is.

Instead of being grateful for the sun, the rain, or the snow, you can complain about how hot it is, how wet it is, how gloomy it is, or how cold it is.

Instead of being grateful for you food you eat, you can complain about how hard it is to cook it, or how expensive it is to buy it.

Instead of being grateful for your health, you can complain about your weight.

Instead of being grateful for your partner or your children, you can certainly find endless complains about them.

The more you complain, the more unhappy you will feel.

It is not the person or the situation or the event or the past or anything else that is causing your unhappiness - it is your choice to complain about it instead of discovering what is wonderful about it and being grateful for it.

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(The picture is of my awesome friend, Julie's, super cute kids! You can check out her blog by clicking here!)

When All Else Fails

2011-05-08T22:25:00.000-07:00

I know there is no loneliness with God, but as a human, it can feel that way sometimes. This past month (April) was one of the worst months in history (followed closely by July 2000 and December 2006). And when I tried to reach out to people, only a few were there to truly listen.

I won't go into detail, but it seemed like everything I could lose, I did. My life is no where in despair compared to some people, but if I were to compare my own life to itself - the high's and the low's - well, yeah, this past month is one in the books for low's.

It's funny that my last blog was about expecting something good in my life. I had been feeling this way for quite awhile, even before 2011 happened. Yet as everything seemed to crash at one time about a month ago and the tears just couldn't stop due to the stress of it all (literally 9 things happened within the period of 3 weeks), I remember sitting in the hallway of my house and thinking to God, "This wasn't exactly what I was expecting."

But, I hold out hope that there is something... someone, that is going to rock my world this year. Why? Because I trust God. It took me awhile to get to this point several years ago. Trusting God when He has changed up your own life plans is really hard. Back before my car accident, I dreamed of graduating college, teaching music, potentially going into the mission field, finding the man of my dreams, living in a nice house in the South with a white picket fence, 2.2 kids, and a cocker spaniel. I'd be a stay at home mom until our children were in Kindergarten, but I'd be home for them once they were home. And our life would be perfect. But, that was when I was 20 years old and extremely naive. I was brainwashed by those Southerners, because that's not real life at all!!

I give a lot of credit to the college I went to, however the one thing I think it could have done a better job at is preparing its students for real life, not just an education. The only class that really challenged my thinking and beliefs was a required course called "Cultural Perspectives," and it changed my thinking mostly because it was taught by an Atheist teacher that pushed the envelope with the required reading material. (Not sure how he got hired at a private, Christian college but I'm thankful.) In that class at the ripe old age of 18, I met a guy who I still look up to to this day. Though the same age and raised in Mississippi, he always seemed more mature than me. I'm not sure why he even remained friends with me since I was so, um, "Little House On the Prairie" in college (and highschool for that matter) and he was so handsome - definitely out of my league. I had no life experiences, never drank, never broke rules, etc, etc. Yuck, I was boring. Thank God I've moved on from that sheltered life. This guy befriended me that first semester in college, always acknowledged me when he saw me on campus even if he was in front of his fraternity buddies, and after the car accident when everyone else seemed to move on with their life or treat me differently because I was now in a wheelchair, he was the only male friend that acted like nothing had changed. I was smitten with him for awhile before I became paralyzed, but always thought he was "above" me and would never be interested, so I talked myself down that it would never happen. And when I thought all else had failed, he seemed to always be there for me at just the right time. I still remember his smile after I spoke at convocation for the very first time. In fact, I wrote about that time in my journal, dated April 21, 2001:

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I was nervous in the weeks proceeding to speaking (in chapel) because I didn't know what I was going to say. The night before, I realized that this wasn't like teaching a bible study lesson or preaching a sermon, but this was my life. So, I typed up a few facts about spinal cord injuries and that was all I had. I didn't know what I was going to say or how long it was going to take. I wasn't nervous at all. I actually loved speaking! I have always wanted to speak in front of people, but I didn't know how or what to start with or that I even had this gift.

Afterwards, I had a lot of people tell me how inspirational I was or how "great" I am. I've heard it all before. All the comments were nice, but it still seems weird to me. One guy that I have known since a freshman named (intentionally left out) came up to me afterwards and said that of all the convos he's been to these four years, mine has been the most meaningful and has touched him the most. He asked me to open up my hand, and in it he placed a piece of paper that contained his phone number. Me?? Wow.

I had told Dr. Barnette about him, and he said that he is a really good guy and comes to convos a lot. This past Thursday I had to be in convo again because I was being awarded something, and there he was. I tried not to keep looking in his direction, but it was hard. Afterwards, I had my back turned towards the back of the chapel talking to some people and all of the sudden these arms envelope around me. For some reason, I relaxed and knew it was him. I put my hand up to his face and said "Hey!" He said my name has been on his mirror to "Call Alyson." He promised me that we'd get together soon, and made me pinky swear with him. He is the first guy who doesn't "see" the chair and isn't intimidated by it. Little does he know that it meant more to me than he'll ever know.

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After college, we kept in touch every so often, but lost touch eventually. He went on to Law School and then moved on to DC. Soon after I found out he went to the Middle East to do some stuff for the government. He's done and experienced things in this world that I'd love to hear about in intricate detail. For years I searched for him. I would Google his name every so often, try to see if his name would pop up on our college's magazine of "what we're doing now" section, and almost went so far to contact his family (but I didn't, because then it would be kind of stalkerish). I had wanted to tell him all this time of the impact he made in my life. Finally, we reconnected on Facebook a couple years ago. I was so excited! I have yet to gain the courage to outright tell him the impact he made on my life - mostly because he has a girl in his life who claims to be a best friend, but I have my doubts if that's true (I have a feeling they are more than that). And there isn't any need for me to intrude with my blabbering about how important his friendship had been during those early days of me not knowing up from down. So for what it's worth, here it is for the whole world to see. But nonetheless, it's important to note that one never knows when he or she is going to make a huge impact in ones life. I still admire him and will always count him as a true friend because he didn't care what other people thought about him. He was himself then as he is now (though a lot wiser and a whole lot more world experiences), and people who can be true to themselves and go after what they want in life are those who I want to be closer to.

Anyway, this is not at all where this blog was intended to go. But it does go to show that God was there for me before my car accident, after it, and I know He hasn't left me yet, nor will He. Perhaps it was through certain people that He showed Himself to me or through songs, events, or written word, but it's good to know that He hasn't forgotten about me. So, that is why I trust God that He is still going to fulfill the year I know in my spirit that He has told me is coming. Through the good and the bad, I still believe, even though I have human tendencies to try my own way at times. And when all else humanly seems to fail and I think I'm at the end of my rope, I tie a knot and hold on. It can only get better.

Thanks, my friend, for showing me Jesus through you when I was holding on to that knot years ago. (And sorry this may all be coming from out of the blue if you're reading this for the first time.)

On the Verge

2011-04-05T18:26:00.000-07:00

A soft brush of wind across my face is a welcomed reminder that God exists. I don't doubt that He exists, not one bit. But when you feel something you can't see, that's faith.

My faith has been tested the last few months in various situations. For example, I've become more sensitive to the hurting needs of those around me. Perhaps it's that the friendships are deep. Or maybe it's that I'm just paying attention. Either way, my heart and spirt have yearned to pray for them. I oftentimes find myself falling asleep at night with a prayer on the cusp of my breathe. I know God knows my heart nonetheless. In other ways, I've been tested personally with my own faith with trusting God when things come up unexpectedly.

I'm on the verge of something good where I feel more in control than out of control. For awhile there, it seemed as if I was spinning - doing a lot of things, but not a lot of things well. I feel that God has narrowed my view to pinpointing where it is He wants to use me best for the Kingdom. Again, I feel this yearning to learn, to give, to teach, and to trust. It's the same analogy that I used at the beginning of this blog. I feel God's breathe on my face, but I don't know why I need the air. However, because of His provision and promise to guide, protect, and build me to be more like Him, I know that whatever is on the verge is good. Why? Because I know what it's like to be on the other side without Him. And what it's like to feel the ugly. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to proser you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Transition is good. But with that said, I'm not one who likes drastic, immediate change. I've always been kidded for not moving past the childlike, 4 year old stage of constantly asking "Why?" I'm the type of person who needs to understand it in order to believe in it or trust it to move forward. Do I need to know the entire picture? No. But it needs to make sense of some sort. So, to just pick me up and drop me in ... oh, let's say, Yugoslavia (does that country even exist anymore?)... I don't know that I'd do so well. Don't get me wrong, I'd make it somehow, but I'd like to at least know how to say "Where's the bathroom?"

All this to say, I feel that God has prepared me the past several years for something big, and it's refreshing to feel that wind against my face and feel content with wherever it is He's leading me.

I see life as a big puzzle. God has the box top that shows the picture of what it's supposed to look like, and little by little, I'm slowing putting the pieces together. It's a good feeling to be here, to have the edges of the puzzle already framed in, and to begin filling in towards the center. What a glorious day it will be when I reach Heaven and can look back on the life I had, see the entire puzzle put together, and hear "Well done!" from my Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Somewhat unrelated, but this is a song I had on repeat throughout my college days by an old-school Christian band called FFH. (If you've heard of them, holla!) Love this song.

God's moving!

(The picture above is from my wonderful photographer friend, Carl Calabria. He took this picture of the "Super Moon" that happened about a month ago and only occurs every 18 years. You can see more of his fantastic work and read about his beautiful family by clicking here.)

Stolen Moments

2011-03-05T21:40:00.000-08:00

I love the title of this blog. The phrase was used on Friday by someone very close to my heart. The phrase makes me happy, because I can't think of any reason why the concept would be bad. Usually the word "stolen" refers to something wrong or illegal. But in the phrase "stolen moments," it simply makes me smile.

Since Friday (which isn't that long ago - a day!), I've tried to saturate in stolen moments that come my way. And I've found that they come at the most spontaneous, unexpected times. Yesterday, I had a stolen moment that made me reflect on God's timing while texting with someone across the country. This morning while sitting on my porch, soaking in some sunshine while newly budding flowers surrounded me, I was reminded of the blessings I have in my life. A stolen moment. Another stolen moment occurred while I engaged my mind in a deep, intellectual conversation with someone this afternoon. And again this evening, another stolen moment happened while at the Apple Store.

The Apple Store is an interesting place. One day, I think I might just sit outside on a bench simply to people watch. Upon entering, it's typically pure chaos. Teenagers checking their email, adults trying to wheel and deal, parents entertaining their kids with the lower level computers, and store techs trying to control what a foreigner might see as a "one time only sale." But, there aren't sales at this store. The reason for my visit tonight was to head to the "Genius Bar" (I mean, really. Who isn't led to believe that these people know everything, simply because they are called "geniuses"? I do. LOL!) Well, who knew that geniuses are gorgeous, too?!

Meet Casey Pahl. She was my genius for the evening. :)

After helping me with my "you have too many photos" issue that was clogging up my hard drive (do they have support groups for this?), I suddenly noticed a beauty that enveloped her skin. Now, if you were just to meet her in person, you'd already find her to be beautiful - eyelashes that extend for miles, a cute smile, an edginess to her, long rolling locks of brown hair, and hey, don't forget that she's a genius! She's someone you'd want to grab coffee with and chat to for hours because she has an intriguing look about her. But while she was writing down directions for me to do at home (because it would take too long to do at the store), I suddenly noted the artwork around her wrist. Upon seeing it, I immediately thought of the "Twilight" series for some reason. What my eyes were seeing was beautiful, unique, and nostalgic. It seemed as if she was from some other dimension that left me speechless. Lace was surrounding her skin, yet it wasn't noticeable unless you really looked. Out of curiosity, I cautiously asked, "Are those tattoos?" to which I found her eyes light up and reply, "Yes."

She explained to me that she hadn't seen it before on anyone but when she went into the tattoo parlor, she requested if they could do the design in white rather than black. Um, GENIUS! I think it is such a gorgeous concept. I have been thinking about getting a tattoo for a few years now, but the "saggy old 80 year old with a shriveled up tattoo" just doesn't appeal to me. And, I don't want it to be something that catches people's attention. It's for me, not a conversation piece. So the concept of doing it like this made my mind spin quickly! A stolen moment, for sure. (Click on the picture to see it in a bigger frame.) The picture itself if captivating, but to see the work in person is even more beautiful.

I'm going to start using this phrase in my head more often in order to enjoy moments that I'm given in life as a way to embrace, love, and cherish different parts of the day. Who knows, it may turn into a stolen weekend one day! Here's to the one who offered this phrase to me via text on Friday. I love you and hope for many stolen moments in 2011.

(Photo by Wendy Porter-Francis)

Disability + Life = No Money and No Time

2011-02-25T18:41:00.000-08:00

I'm battling my need for money and my trust in the Lord as my provider. Again.

I was in this place 4 years ago, and God answered my prayers exponentially. Yet here I am again doing more than my body can physically handle, but it's because bills need to be paid. I've been doing the Financial Peace University through Dave Ramsey (as mentioned in other blogs) for about 2 years now. It has been a hard road to give up the things I see that other people have or turn my eye from what I want in order to use the resources God's given me wisely. But I just don't get where in this plan there is a section for "if you have a disability, do this."

Having a disability is horrible when it comes to money. The government basically punishes you for trying to be independent and hold a real job if you want them to help you. You're only allowed to make a certain amount (which is extremely below poverty level - seriously) in order to qualify for assistance. And even if you decide to go this route, the supplemental income from SSA/SSI doesn't cut it. Yet on the other hand, I try to hold a job in society and be independent and prosperous. But, I know that my body can't handle it some days. But, I still do it. And I still need another job in order to make ends meet. So, what's the point in trying to be independent?? And where is the prosperity?

I'm really struggling with trusting God right now. I'm ready to cry, give up, and say I'm done. Of course that's what Satan wants me to do. But it's how I feel right now. Working 12 hour days on top of trying to care for my body now that I have a disability. Well, let's just say it doesn't work. There is no time to "relax," go to the gym, enjoy a movie, etc. In fact, I envy people who have time and energy for vacations on the weekends or can go to the gym after work. The time it takes to grocery shop, unload the car, cook something, clean the kitchen, wash the clothes, fold the clothes, take a shower, clean the house, etc, etc, etc.... the list goes on and on. Those of you who use a wheelchair and do everything by yourself understand what I'm talking about. I just don't know how much longer I can do this. And it's not a matter of me budgeting or cutting things out of my life. I already budget and have cut so much out of my life. I live in a cardboard box basically in order to reduce the cost of rent. I honestly don't go to the grocery store very often because I don't have time to cook and I don't have money for eating healthy. So, I just choose not to eat and drink a lot of coffee when I get to work and see what's on the table.

I really try not to complain too much, because I know this is the path that God's given me and I need to live life to the best of my ability and with excellence. But I just don't understand some things. When I was first hurt (almost 11 years ago), I wanted people to treat me just like an able bodied person. I didn't want any accommodations or exceptions made for me. It was my denial speaking. I have learned over the years, however, that I'm not like everyone else and what would take an able bodied person 30 minutes to do, it takes me about twice as long. It is frustrating, yes. I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends and not doing anything well. However the reality is that I know what I'm doing at my job, I'm extremely educated, I've exceeded my monetary goal, and I'm doing extremely well. But it doesn't seem to be enough, and that is so frustrating! And, bills don't pay themselves, and the government sure doesn't help.

*Sigh*. I really don't know where to go from here. I hope that a beacon of light will come through, because I feel like no one truly understands (or wants to listen) what life is like for someone with my disability, at my age, doing it all by myself. Right now, I feel like I'm working to live rather than living to work. And it just seems to get worse the older I get in age and in this disability. Where is the balance?

I want to protect my body and give it the recovery time that it needs from each day in order for me to live a long life, but at this rate.... gosh. Who knows. Praying that God will give me sustainability. Somehow. I just want my life back and be able to enjoy it rather than having to constantly worry about money.

A Learning Quest

2011-02-23T22:34:00.000-08:00

There are very few people that I know who are still in college - meaning in their late teens or early 20's and enrolled in school and for the most part, away from home. I love seeing life through their eyes - their inquisitiveness, their depth, their search for what the truth is in life. It brings me back to my college days and how free-spirited I felt.

I loved my days in college. Though it was a small private, Christian school, it helped develop who I am today. During my college days, I felt in charge of my life, time wasn't a factor, and sleep really didn't mean anything. I exerted my independence, broke a few rules "just because" I had never done anything "bad" before, and fantasized over boys in my class about what our future would be "if only." There were girls who I wished I was like, professors who taught me more than what the syllabus stated, and a balance of questioning life and trusting God.

As a little girl, I was always up late reading books. I remember my mom having to frequently come into my room to tell me to turn the light off. Yes, I tried the whole flashlight trick, too. It didn't work. Every time we went into a shopping center, I'd go to the area where the books were to see what book I wanted to read next. Sometimes, I was finished with a book before the end of the same day we bought it.

I have a fascination with books and bookstores. I love what's written on the pages - and what's written in between the lines. Books to me are like purses to some women. There are probably three books on my nightstand that I'm reading, and a dozen more on one of my many bookshelves of which I have yet to read. I'm challenged by each, and I learn something from them all. And I hate having to get rid of books! How does one choose which one is unworthy of sitting on a bookshelf any longer? Oh, the thought tears my soul. There is a nostalgia about an old book - a lost art, perhaps - that cannot be replaced by a Kindle. I'm sorry. It's just not the same as turning a page with your fingers and smelling the scent of the paper.

I digress.

College was the first time I was challenged to read "big" books. Books like Machiavelli, Bonhoeffer, Augustine, Karl Marx, and Jane Austen. I loved the discussions that came about by the words of these authors as well as the push to search within myself for what I believed.

College was the first time I was kissed (gasp!). It was the first time I wore flip flops in the shower. And if I think hard enough about it, I think it was the first time I ever went line dancing. There was a local place just over the hill called Señor Frogs. The name always perplexed me as line dancing, spanish, and frogs didn't go together, but I learned many line dances including my favorite, Cotton-Eyed Joe.

But as I reflect on others' current experiences and questions that they search answers for as they are in the midst of their own college days now, it makes me yearn to learn again. I love learning and strengthening my brain to be wiser and use it for more than I use it for now. If money weren't an issue, I'd probably consider being a lifetime student. I already have my Masters Degree. I sometimes wonder out loud how Dr. Roth would sound. Hmm.... :)

But seriously. Maybe that is what God has been nudging me to do as of lately. Honestly, I do not care about the titles or really even the degree. I just want to take random classes to enhance my own knowledge, to challenge my thinking, and to have even more intellectual conversations with others. What an amazing organ the brain is. Thank you, God, for creating us with the ability to learn and for providing the tools to stretch our minds. And thank you to those who are still in school to challenge my thinking through your own. The opportunity to learn never ends.

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(The photo is borrowed from a phenomenal photographer and friend named Mary Anne Morgan. Check out more of her work on her blog by clicking here. Her daughter, Annie, inspired the blog I just wrote. Check out her own blog here. She is a true artist with her words, and my blog dims bleakly in comparison to hers. This family has etched a special place in my heart, and I love learning simply by having the opportunity to glimpse into their lives from afar. I wish I lived closer but cherish the time I had with them when I was near.)

In Honor Of ...

2011-02-14T07:04:00.000-08:00

Over the past couple of weeks, I've done a lot of reflection over my life. Not everything has gone the way I have wanted it to (imagine that!), not all of my decisions were good ones, and during some periods of time, I didn't have the best role models in my life of which to look up to. But as I grow older - and hopefully wiser - I'm realizing that being an adult is hard stuff, especially when you have more to worry about than just yourself.

When I was younger, I definitely took my parents for granted. I didn't realize that even though we went through some hard times, they did the best they could with what they had and the experience that they had been through. As I look at this picture above, I realize that my parents are about my age in this picture. I can't imagine having a 4 and 2 year old right now in my life!! (Especially a 4 and a 2 year old that were me and my brother! Ha!)

But in particular over the last few weeks, I've taken the time to really look at my dad's life, his childhood, his upbringing, the things he went through, and who he is today. So today's Valentine's Day post is dedicated in honor of my handsome dad - the only man who will know the most about me, seen me through the good and the bad, and who I love so much!

My dad was born and raised in a small town in Minnesota. He was handsome from the day he was born, and even looking at his high school pictures, he's someone I would have been attracted to! (Don't get crazy on me here people. I'm not interested in dating my dad!) In that small town, my dad was a pretty big deal. He was a phenomenal hockey player and was in the paper all the time for his mad skills on the ice. Seriously. There are other brothers and one sister in his family who are equally talented in their own way. But looking through past pictures and articles of my dad, it makes me proud of who he was back then.

My dad started his young life pretty rough when in junior high, he became the first victim in Minnesota of a school shooting. My dad was 14 years old. The shooter was aiming to kill my dad along with another teacher. The bullet went right into my dad's chest and was read his last rights there in hospital. But by the grace of God, he lived, and I am so thankful because God had a purpose for his life! Sadly, the other staff member died. My dad still carries a reminder of that shooting across his chest every day by a large scar from his sternum to his abdomen. This only bares the physical scars from that torturous day as he still sometimes wrestles with the emotional side of it all. As I hear and read the story from that day, it brings tears to my eyes that my dad had to go through so much at such a young age.

My dad married his high school sweetheart - my mom - (though they knew each other since grade school) and they will have been married for 36 years this coming June. Even though I get grossed out sometimes at how publicly my dad loves my mom, it is very sweet to see how much he cares for her. He has become a role model for me to look up to, and I hope that whoever I marry can love me as much as my dad loves my mom right now. I am very much like my dad, though for many years I tried to convince myself that I wasn't. I love like my dad loves - affectionately. The more I examine myself and compare myself to my dad, I am so much more like him than I ever thought. I love building things, and my favorite show growing up was "This Old House." Ha! I love the outdoors, gardening/flowers. When I was about as old as I am in the picture above, I remember planting azalea bushes with my dad one spring day. Like a man would, he was out planting in his shorts with his shirt off because it was a hot day in Georgia. I wanted to be just like my dad while "helping" him plant, too, so I decided to work without my shirt on, too! I don't do that anymore. :)

Probably the biggest thing that I love about my dad is his heart for others. My dad is the most caring person on the earth. He would give the shirt off of his back for anyone, give his last dollar away to someone who needed it, and be a shoulder for someone to lean on when in pain. He is currently in Minnesota comforting his childhood mentor who lost his wife to cancer yesterday morning. The second my dad heard that she only had days left to live, he was on a plane. I love my dad's heart so much, and after all that he's been through himself, his biggest joy comes from being there for others. And I am the same way. And those who I love are the same way. My dad has created in me a great quality because of who God made him to be.

He has been there for me during times where I desperately needed help. Like the time I couldn't figure out why the car wouldn't start in the grocery store parking lot. It was because I still had it in "Drive." Or the time I ran out of gas multiple times in my early days of driving. Or when he was okay with me accidently running into the back end of our truck in the driveway because I mixed up which was the gas and the brake. But most importantly, he has been there for me during my days of sadness regarding my paralysis. Though he doesn't understand it completely and can't fix it, he does everything he can to make my life easier.

I am so proud to call dad, MY dad, and I'm so thankful that God allowed him to survive that cold morning in Minnesota so that he and my mom could marry and give birth to me. I love my dad so much (even though we don't always agree and he can be a little bit overprotective of me at times). I love to watch how God has changed him and done a 180 from who I knew him as a child. If you have ever had the chance to be around my dad, you can count yourself a lucky person indeed. As I get older, I realize how awesome of a man he is! I hope he is around for decades to come so that I can continue to learn from him and so that others can be blessed by knowing him, too.

Happy Valentine's Day, Dad! I love you!

Whatever It Takes

2011-02-07T16:34:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's already the beginning of February. I love living in California during this time of the year when the rest of the country seems to be living in negative degree temperatures. This picture was taken while in Palm Springs a few weeks ago. The weather was nearly perfect in so many ways, and the landscape to which my eyes were able to be saturated with was like a spa resort for my mind. I was able to let my mind "shut off" for a moment and bask in God's goodness.

He has been so good to me. He has done GREAT things for me. When I think about the Lord - how He saved me, how he raised me, how he picked me up and placed my feet on solid ground - it makes me want to say "Hallelujah Thank You Jesus!" Lord you are worthy of all of my praise.

But I've seen the other side of all this goodness. I've been through the trenches, cried the tears, and felt the heartache. And I have close, dear friends who are there now. It makes my heart yearn for their healing, but it's also given me a new perspective to how people may or may not have known how to respond to me when I was in my depths of despair. Some of the situations my friends are going through, I have no experience in. I don't feel valuable enough to give adequate advice at the least. However, I know that pain is pain and it all feels horrible, so that is what I try to relate to - and how I allowed Jesus to lead me through it and out of it.

I recently went back to the place I was raised on a work trip but was able to visit with my family as well. While there, I visited the church where I was raised during my early years in school. My mom is still the church organist there after 20 something years. They have done a lot of renovation on the church, and much of it doesn't even look the same as how I remember it. But, there is one part of the church which almost looks untouched - the chapel.

I remember so many Sunday nights spent in that chapel with the hard wooden pews that looked as if they had been there since the Civil War era. As a little girl, I remember whenever I would get bored with the sermon, I would stare and admire the beautiful stain-glassed windows that depicted various scenes in the Bible. I remember one Sunday particularly well. It was a Sunday evening and we were in that old chapel sitting on those old wooden pews. I was a scrawny 9 year old girl at the time - late 1980's, and sitting next to my mom who was close to the same age as I am now. I was young and innocent, not knowing all there was to this concept of Christianity, but something that the pastor said that evening tugged at my heart. I had been in church long enough to know who Jesus was, what he did for me, and how to live with Him forever. I knew that tug I was feeling in my heart was Jesus.

During the invocation, I looked at my mom and whispered to her that I wanted to get saved from my sins and become a Christian. I wanted to walk down the aisle by myself and accept Jesus as the leader of my life and do right by Him and His word. I was excited to start this new life with Jesus! But instead of walking down the aisle that night, my mom whispered back to me and said kindly as more of a command than a question, "Why don't you wait until next Sunday when your dad is here." I felt deflated, and I also remember praying that entire week that Jesus wouldn't come back to get us because in my little 9 year old mind, I wouldn't get to go to Heaven and instead, I'd be going to Hell.

Thankfully the next week came, Jesus didn't come (smiling), and I was able to profess my faith to the congregation in the "big church" on Sunday morning and later get baptized. But a few weeks ago, now 2011, as I looked into that old chapel with the old wooden pews, my eyes immediately focused in on the area where I stood as a little 9 year old girl, whispering to my mom that I wanted to be a Christian. My mom was with me again on this evening, 20 something years later, and I told her about that experience. She had no recollection of the event or conversation.

There are so many things in life that change in which we don't have any control over. The church I grew up in has changed from how I remember it, friends who I thought would always be in my life have come and gone, objects that I thought I'd never get rid of have since been given to Goodwill, and as I get older, it seems that things change faster and faster.

Yes, change and pain will continue to happen. I remember thinking once I became a Christian that I wouldn't fight with my brother anymore, that my dad would stop drinking, my grandma wouldn't get older, and that life would become happy and rosey. The opposite happened in many instances, and so much was out of my control. It confused me, yet I still kept praying to Jesus that He'd take it all away and make it better.

But it's good to know that a few things in life stay the same. I believe in my heart that that night when I was 9 years old telling my mom that I wanted to become a Christian, that Jesus heard me. It didn't matter whether or not I walked down the aisle and signed the piece of paper. It didn't matter if my dad was there or not to witness this act of obedience. All that mattered is that I knew what it took to be with Jesus forever and that He would be my sustenance throughout life. I quickly learned that even as a Christian, I would still continue to fight with my brother, my grandmother ended up passing away, and life didn't end up perfect. I still sinned and didn't always do things "right." I still make decisions that I know I shouldn't do, and yet no matter how many times I seem to "mess up," God has enough grace to say "it's okay, I forgive you." No human I know can forgive as much as Jesus has and can. I have endured a lot of pain since that evening in the chapel, and it's my hope that I can somehow be there for those friends who are hurting during their time of desperation rather than saying "Why don't we wait until next week." Remember how much of an impact words can leave on a person.

So even though I feel so blessed right now for all the Lord has brought me through and picked me up out of, I am reminded of those who are still in that questioning mode if God remembers them. My prayer is that they are reminded - YOU are reminded - that whatever it takes, believe that there is a God who loves you, hears you, and isn't waiting until "next week" to listen to your prayers. Find a place where you can allow your mind to rest, enjoy the time and moments that Jesus gives you throughout the week to be with Him, and ask Him all the questions you want to know the answers to. In time, you will hear those answers if you're willing to listen.

Never would I have ever said "whatever it takes" about my car accident and paralysis, but through this event in my life, I have learned more about the character of Jesus, the make-up of people, and the love for myself that may or may not have happened if this incident hadn't have happened. But, whatever it takes. Lord, thank you for guiding me through the fire and for storing each of my tears in Heaven. I'm sure I have a big lake named after me up there! But from that pew in the chapel until I get to Heaven, I have to be willing to say "Whatever it takes."

Edge of Desire

2011-01-17T13:30:00.000-08:00

I love John Mayer. There are only a few musicians who have been able to fully articulate the way I feel sometimes. There's the ever-iconic James Taylor who always has the right song for whatever is going on in my life. And then Brian McKnight. Ahhh. And then John Mayer is another.

I Wish I Understood

2011-01-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

I wish I understood the undeniable attraction that sadly brings about silence after releasing my dreams and wishes. I thought it was obvious how much I enjoy you, but I'm trying to keep my expectations low.

I wish I understood why I was in such a hurry to grow up when I was little, because being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be sometimes.

I wish I understood why people say "distance makes the heart grow fonder." It just makes me crazy!

I wish I understood the ability to appreciate my skin when I was in my 20's. Growing older brings more lines and the need to take care of it more.

I wish I understood why there has to be a "class level" in the world. Why can't the money be equally spread out to everyone?

I wish I understood how cell phones work and how airplanes fly.

I wish I understood why things I believed in my teens were different from that of my 2o's, and why the things I believed to be true in my 20's seem not to matter to me in my 30's.

I wish I understood why two people were supposed to meet in a place called Rancho Cucamonga.

I wish I understood the hidden meaning of some of the songs from the 50's, 60's, and 70's.

I wish I understood why most good things in life are hard.

I wish I understood what that look in your eye means.

I wish I understood why people are drawn to others' pain.

I wish I could understand and speak Pig Latin.

I wish I understood why some people are more driven by the dollar than the heart.

I wish I understood why it's raining in California and snowing in Georgia.

I wish I understood why there is still prejudices against people groups.

I wish I understood the concept of "it just takes one."

Not To Brag, But...

2011-01-07T13:57:00.000-08:00

Working at a non-profit can be challenging sometimes as all I can do is exude my passion and belief in what we do to those in the community, ask that they consider supporting us, and then cross my fingers to hope that their hearts have been touched. Many times, however, no matter how much passion I exude or how many times I ask, there are circumstances that are out of my control, i.e the economy, people's spending habits, how sensitive their heart is at the time, etc.

Being in charge of letting others know what's happening throughout the world with our wheelchairs is a bit like being an actor/actress sometimes (without the "acting" part). The correlation of the two is that with both jobs comes a lot of "NO's," and you have to continually reaffirm yourself that what you're doing is important and to not take it personally when someone rejects "you." But after a lot of hard work, there are those periods when everything seems to align and the "YES's" come faster than you can say "THANK YOU"!!!

2010 was not my favorite year as most of you know. I had a lot of physical things that seemed to hinder my ability to produce, yet I continued to push through the pain, the struggle, and the attacks. I kicked it into high gear the later part of the year, and yesterday received my reward!

Free Wheelchair Mission's fiscal year runs from April 1st to March 31st, so all of our personal goals run within that time frame. From April 1st to today, I have helped 17,805 people get a wheelchair and get lifted up off of the ground because I've (hopefully) helped communicate the great need that over 100 million people need help and aid and YOU'VE given! So yes, I am extremely proud of myself and for those who have opened up their heart, time, and treasures to help give life back to people who are in desperate need of mobility! For $59.20 a wheelchair, YOU can personally do the same. Click here to learn more about Free Wheelchair Mission if you've never heard about it! As an organization, we've distributed over 550,000 wheelchairs to over 78 countries!

I am just shy of my goal and have three more months to make it. My goal now is to go OVER my goal! With your help and that of the Lord's, I know I can do it. I know WE can do it!! A big THANK YOU to those who have provided a wheelchair or more to those in developing countries. A simple plastic lawn chair with wheels will be the best gift most of these people will have ever received, and you can be the provider of the smile you see up above. Be the change. Be the gift. Be the blessing.

"I've Missed You!"

2010-12-30T01:10:00.001-08:00

2010 is about to end. And all I can say is "HALLELUJAH!!! I am so done with 2010. I am ready for 2011!!! (If you don't know why I'm ready for 2011, click here to read why.)

I feel a little bit like I've been Mary Poppins the last couple of weeks. This classic Disney movie has so many wonderful lessons in it that seeing it as a kid and seeing it as an adult become two totally different experiences. As a child, I saw Mary Poppins as this fun loving, magical nanny that I secretly wished would come and live at my house, sing songs to me, and take me on glorious and fun adventures. But now as an adult, I see that she actually had a purpose for being at the fictional character family's house, the Banks.

Towards the end of the movie, Mr. George Banks has had a terrible occurrence happen to him due to his son's behavior and is called to a meeting with the Board of Directors of the bank. He is basically asked to leave his prestigious position at the bank - and he could care less! He runs home realizing the blessings that he has in his family - all thanks to Mary Poppins coming into his/their life. However, Mary Poppins is packing her things as the wind has changed and realizes that she must now move on as she has done what she had come to do. I love this movie.

Well this girl is ready to go fly a kite, get out her umbrella, and fly away into 2011! I have no idea what it's about to bring me, but I can feel a change just like Mary Poppins. I feel like I've done all I can do in some capacities and I've done them to the fullest extent possible for me for the better of others. And I can feel that it's going to be a big surge of change is some capacity. Right now, I'm not worried about what it is, I'm just honestly excited about it and I know that it's all in God's hand's whatever it is. So with that, I'm ready!

Going through with what I feel and what I'm excited about (which is strange to say because I don't even know what it is!) makes me feel energized and excited about the future. I know that there are several people who have been in my life who are no longer here whom I miss, so perhaps someone I love will come back? I don't know, but I'm ready! I know there have been opportunities that I've been hinted at to start, so will I start them? I don't know, but I'm ready! Will I finally be debt free? I don't know, but I'm ready! A new hairstyle, a new friend, a new freedom? I don't know, but I'm ready for God to move and I'm ready for change. One thing that I do not feel in my spirit is a move from California (so all of you people out there back home, sorry!). However, if God calls me somewhere else and it's truly meant to be, I will go. But right now, I love where I live.

So though it may seem strange to title this blog, "I've Missed You," it really isn't because it's almost as if when a loved pet becomes lost and is finally found, there is an instant love and comfort there that the reunion just makes you want to say "I've Missed You!" as you wrap your arms wholeheartedly around it. So... when that opportunity, friend, or change happens in 2011 that I have a feeling is coming, I'm ready to say "I've Missed You" - even though I have no clue what it is that I'm about to embrace. Bring on good things, God! My eyes, ears, hands, and arms are open to the good surge I'm feeling! Here's to 2011!! Happy early New Year!

Van Gogh?

2010-12-21T02:01:00.000-08:00

Van Gogh? No. It's just the torrential downpour of rain that God has so kindly blessed us with for the past several days. And when I mean rain - I mean RAIN. Nonstop heavy rain - day, night, morning, afternoon, evening. All day and night long. Hard rain. But the picture does look like a painting, don't you think? (It was taken from my bedroom window today.)

I remember the first year I moved to California, it just so happened to have rain similar to this, but this by far beats that year (and from what the newscasters are saying, the year I moved here was considered a bad storm). So, here is a little glimpse of life of someone in a wheelchair when it rains along with other rain information happening here in California:

Your wheelchair tires have absolutely no traction when it's wet outside. Especially once you get into a store. It's hard to get through the front door without spinning your tires for a good couple minutes while people look at you weird.
If you're going to go out into the weather, plan on bringing a change of clothes and a whole new cushion, because both will be soaked. Oh, and no need to do your hair. It will just get wet again anyway. Soaking wet.
If you have to go through a muddy patch and it's raining, plan on the inside of your car getting nasty. Thus the reason I switched from light tan leather interior to black interior when I changed cars. Harder to see the dirt. :)
Get groceries before it rains! Because carrying them inside the house is a pain already, and rain certainly doesn't help!!
Try driving up a hill while a river is flowing down it. Scary!
Try going up a curb cut out when there is a huge lake aka "puddle" in front of it. It was so deep and was the only way to get to where I needed to go. So, my shoes were underwater! I couldn't believe it!
The second I go from the garage to where my car is parked, I am literally soaked from head to toe. By the time I get into the car, my drivers side inside door has received a free bath.
I love that people continue to ask me "Why don't you carry an umbrella?" Um, yeah. Ok.
The gutters that lead to the ocean can't even keep up with the rain flow as they are seriously flooded. In fact, perhaps the ocean is coming in the reverse direction!!
Soon, I will probably have ocean front property because the front half of the coast will probably be washed away with all this rain.

The rain is supposed to get worse on Tuesday and Wednesday, and then no rain for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I hope that remains true. Some parts of Southern California have already received 12 inches of rain, and parts of the interstate were flooded. Crazy! And we're expected to receive another 5 to 10 inches more! People are using sandbags to prepare for mudslides and flooding, and friends of mine are already having issues with their house. But thanks to the "Emergency Preparedness Training" we had by the Red Cross at my work, I am prepared for ANYTHING! I have all important documents safely secured, and insurance for everything including earthquake insurance!

The positive part of all this rain is that the rims of my car remain semi-clean from all the water (those of you who know me well know that I hate when my rims are dirty!). But seriously, it will make the grass greener, wipe out all the smog and pollution for at least a day once the rain recedes LOL, and um, I guess that's all. But none of this weather should surprise me, because it's the end of a year that was not my favorite, so I guess rain only seems appropriate. The picture kind of reminds me of the scene in Mary Poppins when the sidewalk chalk sketcher gets all his artwork washed away once it starts raining.

Too bad I missed the Lunar Eclipse and Winter Solstice because of the cloud cover. And I find it funny that the weather news reports that the air quality is "good" right now. Wish I was just a few thousand feet higher and I'd have a "White Christmas."

The True Meaning

2010-12-16T22:44:00.001-08:00

This year, 2010, has continued on its path of "blech" ... as in "not a good year." And this Christmas has not felt like Christmas either. In fact, I can't believe it's next Saturday!

I made a decision several months ago to move into a smaller place which cost less in order to pay off my debt. I do NOT regret this decision at all. I absolutely love where I live and truly believe God saved this place just for me for just the right time when He knew I'd need it. However because it is so tiny, I do not have room for all of my things. I got rid of a lot of materialistic items that were meaningless when I moved, however this Christmas just doesn't feel the same without a Christmas tree, my favorite childhood ornaments, my complete 19 piece Willow Tree Nativity Set, or my stockings hung with care and presents neatly wrapped underneath the tree. It really makes me kind of sad, not to mention the fact that I will not be home for Christmas.

I was lamenting to some friends about how I was trying to find my Christmas spirit when a great friend and spiritual advisor sent me the link - of all things - to a portion of "Charlie Brown's Christmas". I can't remember the last time I watched this traditional Christmas cartoon, but I know it must have been 10 or 11 years old!

Watch this short clip:

This is exactly what Christmas is all about! Linus knew it the entire time! And if you notice, this is one if not the only time that Linus ever lets go of his security blanket. HUGE symbolism here, people! It's not about the materialistic things, the stockings, the tree, or even the 19 piece Willow Tree Nativity Set. It's about the REAL thing that Father God did by allowing His son Jesus Christ to be born so that we may experience true freedom, love, and forgiveness!

I'm amazed that a simple cartoon like this which purely quotes Luke 2 from the Bible has lasted this long in the secular society - especially now days. God's hand was on this writer and on this message. It proves to me that God supersedes all of our plans and ideas, and that He is timeless! A priceless gift!

And all this time these past few weeks while I've been trying to find my Christmas spirit and of all the days, guess what comes on the television tonight? Yup - "Charlie Brown's Christmas"! God knew I needed to hear this again to remember and remind myself that it's not about meeting a quota at work, making sure the house is decorated with Christmas-y things, or even that presents are bought and wrapped. The commercialism can stop.

It's about the One true Saviour who came born to a virgin - pure and in human form - to walk the earth and go through things that I have been through and have yet to go through so that I could one day have the opportunity to know that He loves me and me love Him back. Because Jesus Christ was born, and because I have accepted Him into my life and allowed Him to be in control of my past, present, and future, because I believe that later in His life He sacrificially died on the cross for me even though He had the Power to save Himself, and then three days later went back to be with His Father in Heaven after sustaining a real and painful death, then came back to prove to us lowly humans that it was really Him who was now in Heaven - because of all of this, I can celebrate Christmas without a tree, stockings, and presents, because I know I have Jesus forever! A lifetime in Heaven is my present and the true meaning of Christmas!

Through a simple cartoon a huge lesson continues to be taught each Christmas that does not discriminate against age. Young children and older adults can all understand the same message: "Unto us a Child is Born, and He shall be called Emmanuel, God With Us!"

Amen, Amen, and Amen!

If you don't know the True Meaning of Christmas, please read in the Bible, the book of Luke, Chapter 2. Ask questions if you need to. Visit a local church. Jesus Christ is real, the Bible is true, and through a simple cartoon character like Linus whose Christmas special first aired on CBS in 1965, we are reminded of the why we celebrate Christmas in the first place.

Do Something!

2010-12-08T22:09:00.000-08:00

I find the picture above totally satirical. This is my cousin (more like sister), Sarah, who is from Wisconsin, and me, from Georgia. We ended up wearing opposite sweatshirts this day as we drove from WI to MN for my other cousins wedding a few weeks ago. I miss her and the family. I think as I grow older, I definitely feel the desire to be closer to family. Now, not too close - so mom and dad, don't get your hopes up. Ha! But seriously, especially extended family... it was so good, refreshing, and enjoyable to be "reunited" with my extended family who all live up North.

Why is it that we (meaning people in America) typically only get together as whole families for weddings and funerals? I find that sad. No individual family is perfect. We each have our own dysfunction that adds to the pot of mixed up families, but does there always have to be someone who's upset with someone else or arguments that start or feelings of jealousy that occur? I understand we are human beings, but Christ died on the cross for us so that we have the ability to forgive people through Him. We may not be able to in our own flesh, but I've learned that there are things in life which I haven't had any control over that happened to me that I've had to learn to forgive and move on with life. It doesn't mean I'll forget or that it makes what happened "ok," but I don't want that one person or incident to hold me back from accomplishing my dreams whenever he/she/it comes to mind.

Just a tangent, I suppose, or maybe a soapbox, but it's really frustrating when a child has to become an adult to an adult. We teach our children to "play nicely" and to "share with others," yet as adults, we can't follow the same rules. It's more like teaching our children, "Do what I say, not what I do."

Again, I digress.

I have seen growth in myself this year in so many amazing ways, and I honestly think writing the previous blog had a lot to do with seeing that growth. Up until then, I thought that 2010 was crappy. And for the most part, it was. But there were so many good things that happened as well that somehow I allowed the "not so good" things to overshadow the blessings that God bestowed on me. I am thankful. And even through the difficult, stormy times of 2010, there has been a silver lining in all of it. I persevered and pushed through each hardship and became a stronger woman because of all of them. I guess God does know what He's doing when we just keep our eyes on Him and keeping doing things to please Him. :)

Only a few more weeks of 2010, and I'm no where closer to accomplishing that "to do" list then I was when I wrote the previous blog. But you know what, that's ok. I'm enjoying each day, and truly living each day out fully. I have to. It's the only choice I have control over. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. None of us are. And I'm reminded every day of the death of my dear friends husband, Stewart. You can read about it here if you don't know.

Think wisely. Act carefully. Be humble. Create generosity. Love fully. Find strength. Enjoy today.

Do something.

And if you don't know what to do this Christmas, watch this video and I promise you'll be inspired and know exactly what to do!

Joy to the World from Free Wheelchair Mission.

Countdown to Up!

2010-11-29T22:17:00.000-08:00

Let's have a new blog, shall we?

It's about this time of year where a little apprehension begins but is triggered by a period of reflection. I wonder to myself, "What is it that I had planned or projected for myself in January that I haven't done or accomplished yet that I still want to shoot for to be completed by December 31st?" I reflect on what happened each month, what I liked, what I didn't like, what I want to change. It makes me look forward to what I want next year to look like that I didn't like about this year. I think reflecting on 2010 will be more of a memory of what I DON'T want to happen in 2011 than what was good about 2010, however there were good things that happened, too.

Let's just knock out the bad/not so good things first:

1. January began with a concussion that lasted for 6+ weeks due to snow skiing without a helmet. No fun at all.
2. Residual affects on my body after being dropped on an airplane resulted in extended therapy on my hand and back.
3. I encountered too much sun while in Scottsdale, AZ and acquired 2nd degree burns on my heels from the metal on the lounge chair. Laying out in the Arizona heat resulted in a massive sunburn (and folks, I don't burn hardly ever!) to the point I had to put aloe vera on my skin every 30 minutes. I radiated heat!

4. I broke my tibia, patella, and tore my MCL. Fabulous time spent in a full leg brace while trying to maneuver a wheelchair that didn't accommodate the leg brace all at the same time. I added yet another thing to my list of "talents."

5. After doing some research about the Holocaust, I found out that in 1945, Hitler, in an attempt to avoid capture, and his mistress who he ended up marrying committed suicide on April 30th - my birthday. He was only married to his bride less than two days. Awesome moment to remember about my birthday. (Insert sarcasm.)
6. I went a year and a half undiagnosed with hypothyroidism. I had to undergo a needle biopsy on my thyroid/goiter which consisted of about 10 needles extracting samples from my neck. Do you know how much I loathe needles?

7. I spent an evening in a place I hope to never go back to again.
8. I broke my front tooth and have to continue to be careful now with how they fixed it.
9. I ended my reign as Ms. Wheelchair California.

10. I thought I almost lost my dad after he required an emergency triple bypass surgery. He had a double bypass about 15 years ago. This news devastated me, and I hope he is around for many, many more years yet he still continues to speak of dying early. And I believe if one believes something hard enough, it just may happen. :( I hope this isn't the case for my dad, though I know and have come to terms that his decisions are his choices.

11. I learned stuff about my church that I do not agree or approve of which upset me to the point I'm looking at a new church home.
12. My brother cussed out a Pastor.
13. I mourned the death of a best friend's husband to which saddens me so much because they truly completed each other. Not a week goes by where I don't think of Stewart.

14. I cried as another best friend shared with me her inability to get pregnant, even with in vetro fertilization.
15. I have potentially lost my very best friend of 13 years and her family/kids which has left me feeling extremely abandoned.

And now for the things I'm happy about and that which I've learned or accomplished in 2010:

1. I learned that not everyone is as open as I am about how they feel, nor are they as sensitive about other people's needs or desires. And when I share my part of something, it's not always received as "ok," even if admitting my part of a wrong-doing. And that in and of itself is ok. Thank you Celebrate Recovery!
2. I celebrated my 4 year anniversary of sobriety from alcohol!

3. I paid off my 5 year car loan in 2 years and now I OWN IT! Yay!!
4. I received a raise at work which allowed me a tiny bit more wiggle room than the way I was living. Thank you! Thank you!
5. I moved into a smaller place (which one may think would end up in the bad list), but it also has been a decision I made in order to help pay off my debt. The Dave Ramsey method works!
6. I am reminded every day how much I am in love with Robert.

7. I am thankful that I did not repeat the day after Thanksgiving activity that happened in 2009 and have removed that unhealthy relationship out of my life completely.
8. I have gained amazing friendships with people who I feel safe with and trust with my everything that's in my mind, things I've done, or things I'm considering doing - whether good or bad. I love you, CB, EP, SB, LB, MM, TB, AC, and all of my CR friends!

9. I learned the ability to express how I feel in a honest and healthy manner without feeling guilty about how or why I feel the way I do.
10. I got to meet my second nieces, AB and GP, for the first time and fell in love, thus giving me baby fever - sort of. :)

11. I had the honor of seeing my cousin, SR-VR, get married as well as see other family members that I haven't seen in a long time, especially KR, DR, and DR!

12. I am utterly shocked, blessed, amazed, and humbled by the relationship that JSC and I have now. I praise God for her every day, and praise Him for bringing our friendship back to life.
13. I have learned to down-size in material items, and I am in control of my money rather than my money being in control of me. (Again, thank you Dave Ramsey!)
14. I was ecstatic that I got to crown my 1st Runner Up in Ms. Wheelchair CA 2009 as the NEW Ms. Wheelchair California 2010! Love you, Kumi!

15. I had the fantastic opportunity to bring in the New Year on the Kiwanis float in the Tournament of Roses Parade on New Years Day while also meeting the Grand Marshall, Captain Sully.

16. I met John Tesh, Brooke Burns, and also had the opportunity to take someone from South Africa who had never been to America surfing for the first time thanks to Oceans Healing!

As far as the next 32 days of 2010, I'm honestly looking forward to it being over and starting 2011. I know it's just another day from December 31st to January 1st, but mentally in my mind, 2010 has been one of the worst year in awhile.

However, the next 32 days are not guaranteed, so I have a few things left to accomplish that I hope to get done:

1. Finish my Christmas present to my family, though it may end up being late because of how time intensive it is.
2. I want to finish the second part of my personal inventory.
3. I'd like to get caught up on scrapbooking, however I don't think time will allow that either, but we'll see. :)
4. Be at or above my goal at my job so that I can start the new year exactly where I'm supposed to be budget-wise.
5. Get caught up in my personal written journal.

A Good Reminder

2010-10-25T01:35:00.000-07:00

I have a new dear friend at work who knows exactly what scripture to say to me at the exact moment I need encouragement. And oftentimes, she doesn't know exactly what it is I'm struggling with. She must have been sent to FWM from heaven directly.

This past week, I was sharing with her some things that I've been dealing with - in particular my frustration of yet another thing that I have to "deal with" despite having a disability. This oftentimes gets me down and makes me start questioning God. Almost like, "Haven't I dealt with enough in my life, God? Why me? Why do I have to continue to be the martyr for Christianity? I'm tired of being the example. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired." The words she had for me immediately calmed me down and refocused my thinking. Here is what she shared with me.

2 Corinthians 4:5-18 (New Living Translation) says,

"You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.

That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."

Praise the Lord Jesus that these bodies will die yet our spirits will be renewed every day and that these perceived iniquities won't last for as long as we think. We will NOT be destroyed! Heaven awaits for those who believe in Jesus as Lord.

Lord, may I continue - somehow - to keep my eyes aligned with Yours.

Randomness

2010-10-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

Here is a peek into what my mind looks like lately:

1. I wish I had enough money to solve everyone's dilemma's. I'm such a giver, and I have to constantly remind myself of my own personal goals/needs - and feel guilty about it sometimes. One of my goals is to have my car paid off by December 31, 2010, and the second, having my student loan paid off by April 30, 2010. Dave Ramsey is the bomb! (If only I could stick to the plan consistently!)

2. I need a dress for a Gala in Hollywood on Sunday, but again, the money issue comes up. I need a dress, but don't want to have to pay for it. And, I don't want to show up in the same dress I wore last year. Total fashion faux paux.

3. With 10/10/10 happening this past Sunday, it made me want to reflect on where I want to be in 10 years. I didn't get very far with that thought other than making the decision to want to reflect. I guess I'll reflect later.

4. I'm continuing to struggle with sleeping too much. I simply can't seem to get enough sleep! Not even twelve hours is enough. I could fall asleep within 60 seconds at any time during the day and literally be dead asleep for 2 - 4 hours... easily. It's literally what I do all weekend, and that's sad. I'm seeing another specialist this week to see if I can get some kind of diagnosis so I can stay awake!

5. Pet peeve: It honestly confuses me why people don't have the same understanding, desire, and passion as I do to get wheelchairs to people in developing countries. Believe me, I've heard all the excuses why someone can't afford $59.20 to help give dignity, life, and a future to someone who is otherwise left to live their life in the dirt, on the ground, and among trash. Seriously?? It's not like I'm asking for $1000 for one wheelchair! ONE WHEELCHAIR is $59.20, and that includes manufacturing, shipping, and delivery to the recipient who gets it for FREE! Why don't people understand the importance of giving back? Are we really that callous to those in need? Sorry, but needing to upgrade your 2010 Mercedes to a 2011 is not a need.

6. I am unbelievably surprised, thankful, humbled, and blessed that God has brought back a friendship with Jennifer that I honestly never thought would come back. God has given me the desire to know and try to understand her perspective, and my heart mourns with sorrow for what she has gone through but bursts with joy that our friendship is (in my opinion) probably 75% back to where it used to be. Thank you, Jesus, for restoration. All in Your time.

7. I really love where I live. I especially love the serenity of where I am and the peacefulness at night. Though overwhelming at first by downsizing to a smaller place, I actually am happier here. I realize that I don't need more "stuff." I actually don't shop or buy things like I used to (not that I was that much of a shopper to begin with), but honestly, if you were to look at my bank statements, you'd see "Rent," "Gas," "Grocery store," the occasional "Fast Food," and then of course my "Car Loan" and "Student Loan." That's it. So far, I'm very happy with my decision to move here, and my landlord is really great, too. Other than the occasional idiosyncrasies like the lights going on and off without me touching them or the fan turning off without me pushing "off", it's all good. I love my little abode!

8. Yes, I believe in ghosts.

9. My heart still mourns intensely for my dear friend, Rachel Beiber, who I wrote about in a post a few months ago. Words can't express the level of pain that one experiences when losing their best friend, lover, and husband. Though I do not know that type of exact pain, I do understand the pain of losing something that will not ever come back from my car accident - paralysis. The pain that I experienced was deep, so I can only imagine the depth of Rachel's pain. It leaves me speechless, yet I will never forget.

10. I wish my constant migraine and tension/stress headaches would go away. Hopefully seeing this specialist regarding my sleep will help with that as well.

11. I need to stretch more and am considering looking more into yoga and/or pilates. And lately, I've been consumed with thinking about pregnancy. NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT! Just preparing myself for the reality of what to expect due to my disability.

12. I want to do a 5K, and after that, a Half Marathon. However, I'm not sure where to start, how to train, or what races are available in my area. And, I'd like to train with someone if possible.

13. I wish I could be on "Dancing with the Stars." I think it would be an amazing workout, and extraordinarily fun! I could do it, and love dancing (and also miss it)!!!

14. Some people drive me nuts, especially those on Facebook who constantly take pictures of random stupid things that no one else cares about. Like taking pictures of a new bracelet that you bought and think is fabulous, and you have ten pictures of you wearing the bracelet - even a picture in the bathroom! What else drives me nuts is people who take pictures of themselves while trying to act or look sexy. C'mon people. The world doesn't care. At least I don't.

15. I'm tired of people protesting things that they know nothing about and have not done their research on. Primarily speaking about stem cells. Know your facts. Do the research. And THEN if you disagree, fine. But don't be spouting off stuff you honestly know nothing about, nor have a need to honestly disagree with unless you're in a situation where you would need the use of stem cells.

16. Finally, I'm simply thrilled that I can finally announce (since she's already gone public), that my best friend, Gini Young, is pregnant with her third child!!! I'm so, so excited for her and her family. I can't wait to meet the new little one! And, I really hope I can be there for the birth of this one!

Fiery Furnace Lessons

2010-09-27T23:22:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure what happened to the weather in California this year, but it has been about as off as my life has been in 2010. Here we are about to enter into October, and today my car read 106 degrees at 9:32am this morning (see picture). That, my friends, is ridiculous. And it only got worse throughout the day. And tonight as I write this blog, it's probably the reason I'm still awake... because it is so, so hot! I have the fans on high and yet I feel like I'm still back in Georgia. Somewhere, California mixed up its seasons, so are we behind? Is this now Summer time, and at Christmas it will be Fall? Sounds about like my life... a little mixed up, too. I could probably compare it to the heat that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego felt on their bodies when faced with the furnace. (Book of Daniel, Chapter 3).

Most recently, I've had a lot of ups and downs emotionally. Most have been self-triggered as I work on my personal inventory of my life, the "characters" that have been key players, and how they have hurt me or how I have hurt them. And it's good, because I feel each one of us should put a mirror to our face and say "Who am I really?" So yes, I am doing this on purpose to make me a better person.

I've experienced anxiety for the first time - an emotion I'm not at all used to. I only know depression. Anxiety is overwhelming and I am completely aware of how I feel as opposed to depression where I could care less about feeling anything. I've been working on control, too. I think I've always had slight control issues, but I think it became exaggerated after the car accident. Since I was not in control of the outcome, I have found myself over the last 10 years allowing the desire of "control" to manifest itself in many, many ways. Some are healthy like setting appropriate boundaries, but most have been harmful. Some of the harm that I've caused others (as I do my personal inventory) are people who it is not safe to make amends with and/or it is not possible to make amends with them at this time. That is where anxiety comes in because my need to be in control wants to say my peace and be done and move on. But I can't. I'm finding this to be very difficult.

This past week, I experienced anger, but remedied that for my own sanity which will rub wrong with people when they find out. However, I had to set a boundary for myself, because it was basically self-sabotage.

God has been teaching me a lot this last month, and even my counselor noticed I have changed for the better in the last 4 weeks. I am by no means perfect nor will ever be, but many things have taken my focus away from the Lord. So, the main thing I'm working on right now with the Lord is allowing Him to be in control of time, people, situations, outcomes, the future, finances, advice, and my lifestyle in general. I'm not by any means retreating from life or people, but I'm surrounding myself with healthy people who are willing to keep me accountable and allow me to share with them my downfalls without judgment or speculation.

On another note, I have been to a few high school football games in the past few weeks. Why wasn't high school football as fun then as it is now?? And why didn't I ever notice how amazingly adorable some of these football players are? Funny story: I'm allowed on the sidelines with the players, and many of them know me as do the coaches. Since I'm in a wheelchair, a few of the players and others on the sideline are cognizant that I'm there and try not to stand in front of me so I can watch the game. I always tell them not to worry about me because it's their game, but they still are so sweet and make sure no one is in front of me. Well, two games ago, all of the sudden all of the guys in the middle of the game get down on one knee. I'm thinking to myself, "Gosh, that is so sweet! They are kneeling down so I can see the game! That is so thoughtful!" I'm telling this to my friend after the game (who is also one of the coaches), and he starts laughing. I was like, "What?" He politely informed me that they weren't getting down on one knee for me to see the game but it was because the head coach told them to while he talked to the referee. Oops! :) And I thought I knew a lot about football! Ha!

Hope you are leaning towards God first and others second for your direction in life. It is the only way. Per my previous blog, I've obviously tried it the other way, and it doesn't work. Prayer keeps me sane, reading the Bible gives me strength, and having accountability partners who are safe to talk to are so important. A wise friend recently told me something very important, so I'll pass it on to those who read this. "You don't have to tell everyone everything. Accountability means telling God and one other person you trust." I have learned very recently that I can't trust some people who I thought for years were safe. Just because someone is a Christian, doesn't mean they are safe. We are all imperfect, sinful people, and it takes a very special person who is willing to look past your downfalls and still love you and keep open communication with you. But again, put God first, and pray for HIS will, let go of control of your life (because it's like try to hold water in your hand with a fist - it doesn't work), and in time, God will reveal to you His plans and blessings.

I'm beginning to see them now, even through the fiery furnace, for it is the One True God, Jesus Christ that I follow!

4 year Anniversary!!!

2010-09-16T21:47:00.000-07:00

Today is definitely a day for me to celebrate and rejoice because it is my 4 year anniversary of sobriety from alcohol!!! The picture above is the last night of me drinking, and this was just at the beginning of the night that night. I broke a shot glass of 100 proof alcohol as you can clearly see, and this was the fourth shot. It went downhill from there... like around 20 more down.

I am so thankful that by God's grace He picked me up from that dark place and set Light under my feet. He unveiled His purpose for my life little by little, but that night, September 16, 2006 was my last night drinking. Period.

I was escaping the reality that I was now disabled. I thought my life was over, and I decided to take life back into my own control. I figured "everyone loves a drunk," and because I was "good" and didn't have my first drink until I was 21, I wasn't really taught how to drink and not get drunk. All I knew is that I didn't want to ever end up an alcoholic like others in my family. My drinking led to unhealthy relationships, unhealthy friendships, and unhealthy behaviors. I was utterly embarrassed when the real me was revealed. I was basically living the "good Christian life" during the day, but was the "bad girl" at night. However, for some reason, I remembered everything when I was drinking. You see, when you have a disability like mine, you have to be somewhat in control to know when you have to go to the bathroom. But after all I had that night 4 years ago, I blacked out, fell out of the car, and fell out of my chair. Turns out I had alcohol poisoning from all that I had drank, and it took me two days for the horrible hangover headache to go away.

I tell you all this because God can change ANY SITUATION into a positive one. He doesn't waste a hurt, habit, or hang up. He uses it for good if you allow yourself to submit to His will for the purpose He has planned for your life. Of course, we have free will, and believe me, I tried my fair portion of "free will." It didn't lead me anywhere good.

So, with a sparkling apple cider, I say "CHEERS" to me and my FOUR YEAR SOBRIETY of alcohol!!! Praise God for a healthier mind, body, and spirit!!

Lessons of Life

2010-09-13T13:33:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have been quite a growing and learning time for me in so many ways. I've been humbled, uplifted, encouraged, been able to stand my ground, and also be a witness. Most importantly, I've learned that I don't need people to make me happy. Though God created people for community and a way for us to learn with, ultimately, in the very beginning, he just created Adam. And I've learned that I am ok with it just being me and God. Do I want people in my life? Absolutely! There are some dear, close friends, and best friends whom I love with all my heart and can't imagine life without them because of the community they bring into my life. However, Jesus has been the only one who has been there with me from the very beginning and will continue to be with me to the very end. As a codependent, it's easy for me to pull others' problems and issues into my life and help them through their difficulties, however I have played that role long enough, and it's exhausting - and damaging. Mind you, there is a difference between being a friend and codependent. Ignoring my own needs is not ok as is putting all my hopes and dreams into people to make me happy is not ok.

I have learned more than I have time to share with you about, but I am thankful for a God that knows my spirit and my heart, knows my intentions, and knows that I would never intentially harm someone. I have learned to put my discerning glasses on, per say, and evaluate decisions before making them (though as a human, I'll always be a work in progress). I have learned that there are some who I have let go of in my life who I will always love, but for reasons to be undisclosed, it is best that I let them leave. If they decide to come back into my life with a burst of full energy and willingness to move forward, then I'll decide at that time. However, I cannot keep wishing on a star.

I've learned that it's not about "things" or "objects" or "material items" that make people - me specifically - happy. It's about love and relationships with people. But first, it is about being happy with who you are in Christ and who He's designed you to be. We are all individuals and unique. I've learned to get rid of many material items out of my life - to simplify - and it's been so good (primarily because of my recent move!) Working at Free Wheelchair Mission and coming back from conferences like I was this past week in Atlanta makes me fully appreciate all that I have here in America, but at the same time makes me sick that we as a country focus so much on material items. I made it a priority this week to invest into people while also keeping my focus on Jesus.

If I continue to keep my eyes focused on Him, all things will be possible. And all things will work out. They always have, and there is no need for me to control situations.

Confirmation

2010-08-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

I had to make a very big decision last night that was extremely hard. I had been praying about it for awhile, and honestly in my heart, I've known for several months that it was what I needed to do but hadn't done it yet. I kept holding on, expecting change, encouraging change, but nothing ever did.

I've had confirmation for over the past couple days, but haven't wanted to go through with it. Now after I've made the decision, I'm receiving confirmation from the most random people. I know that I did the right thing, even though it may be hard.

Making healthy decisions and choices are not always easy. And sometimes, receiving confirmation isn't always the easiest either. But in the next weeks to come, I know (or at least I hope), it will get easier. A co-worker gave me this verse today: "Give all your worries and cares to God, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 [NLT]

Praying for a renewal and transformation as I head into a new season, though very sad to see what had been not be anymore, even though I know now it wouldn't have been happy in the long run. God sent Noah a rainbow to let him know it would be okay. With that sign, I know that "yes"... it will be okay. And if it's supposed to happen the way I've dreamed it to be, it will be because God allowed it and it's His will.

(PS. I took this picture near my house a couple months ago. I could see the beginning and the end, though couldn't capture it all in one picture! Click on the picture to see the rainbow better. Gorgeous!)

I AM HAPPY!

2010-08-12T16:18:00.001-07:00

(Photo courtesy of Silverline Productions)

There are a lot of good changes happening in my life - FINALLY! I believe it's because I've let go of people, choices, and decisions that were not healthy for me. That's not to say I don't still love or miss some of those people, choices, or decisions, but some of what I was desiring wasn't mine to begin with. They belonged to another, and in the end, I would end up back at square one. So you know what, it feels great to have relinquished all of that! Though I know I need God in order to be the "controller" of my life, I finally feel like I'm "back in the saddle" and on the right track again. I veered off the straight and narrow there for a bit, but things are looking up for me.

Good things are happening at my job. Good things are happening in my relationships. Good things are happening in my finances. Good things are happening all around me! I guess I was so much in a funk the last month that I failed to notice that God was actually working despite my seemingly miserable life.

I'm headed into an emotional/spiritual cleanse here in the next month or so, and it will be good for me. It's always good to do an inventory on your life, and I'm exited to start mine. A new start. Or at least another start. :)

I just now realize that I AM happy. Have you ever heard of saying a sentence or Bible verse while putting emphasis on one word - saying the sentence or verse over and over until each word is individually emphasized? It's actually pretty cool. So....

I am happy.

I AM happy.

I am HAPPY.

Night Writer

2010-08-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, I really should refrain from writing at night. My anniversary date wasn't as bad as it seems to be in my blog. Yes, it was a reflective day, but being so passionate about life and opportunities, night time intensifies emotions. I should learn not to write at night! :)

I really, truly am blessed, and I am so incredibly thankful for those who have stuck by my through the good and the bad. YOU are true friends. Thank you for encouraging me, inspiring me, and pushing me forward, knowing that God has a plan.

Life is good. And I'm ok. I look forward to what the Lord will bless me with as I continue to strive towards being more like Him.

7,665 Days Walking : 3,650 Days in a Wheelchair

2010-07-29T23:24:00.000-07:00

So here it is. Ten years. Ten years ago today I went from being a naive 21 year old that was excited about starting her senior year of college to a paralyzed, scared, and sad woman that was stuck in a wheelchair - and not by my choice.

I pause for a moment, because I'm not quite sure where to start. There are a myriad of emotions, and some don't even have words to describe them accurately. It's like pushing the rewind button on the TiVo to replay something you missed, because it certainly couldn't be real or have really happened. You replay it because you have to prove to yourself that what you saw actually happened.

Tuesday and Wednesday of this week were phenomenal days. I was happy, thankful, grateful, and blessed. Today, not so much.

I had set an appointment for 8:15am this morning (and mind you, I am not a morning person), thus meaning I had to set the alarm for about 7am. God decided to wake me up earlier. My bladder decided it didn't want to stay inside my body any longer, so I woke up to a mess. After cleaning that up, I went to go make coffee, and saw that the cat had thrown up in two different places. Lovely.

And then I looked at the clock, and it hit me like a mack truck. It was the time that the accident was about to happen... ten years ago. I immediately went into a trance, replaying the story I've heard but don't have any memory of. I envisioned what it must have looked like to a bystander as the car flipped and flipped. I thought about how the sun must have felt as I was lying there in the desert with bloody clothes. I tried to picture what the helicopter ride to the hospital must have been like, and what they were doing to my body. I replayed the scenario in my head of how my family found out about the accident, and I began crying because I remember hearing that Jennifer left me alone in the hospital and headed back to Atlanta.

I made it to my appointment, and realized it wasn't the best day to have scheduled the session because I was already on an emotional roller coaster. That appointment didn't help the process, because it triggered other emotions in me regarding another subject. Poor planning on my part.

I didn't know one could have so many tears left after all these years. And because my morning started early and tears began soon there after, I had a massive migraine all day. I had several people call, but I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Not even my family. I did go make contact with the general manager of the apartment complex I live in and cried to her how I can't afford the renewal rate. And of course I slathered on that it was my 10 year anniversary from being paralyzed and that 10 years ago I wouldn't have to worry about living in an accessible apartment. No, it was not a pretty plea. I'll find out in a few days if it worked, but I doubt it.

I layed down for a nap (more so as a way to escape reality, however I was genuinely tired), and woke up about 4pm to another incident of my bladder not wanting to behave itself. I'm so annoyed by it all.

My kindred spirit, CGB, treated me to a massage which I desperately needed from all the crying and tension that had built up throughout the day and then to dinner this evening. I decided to call my mom back on the way to meet up with my friend. I wanted to cry longer to my mom as I could feel that gut wrenching weeping about to break loose. However, she was just about to sit down to dinner with my dad and cousin and her husband for dinner, so she didn't have much time to listen to me cry.

I pretty much felt alone today and lost in my world of what "should have been." I got home from dinner and checked my email just a minute ago which sent me crying - no, sobbing - again. Jennifer had sent me an email recalling the moments of the accident from her perspective. I learned some things I hadn't ever heard before, and I cried as I mourned for her and what she had to go through. She painted a very vivid picture, and I cry because I so want to know those moments for myself. I don't have any memory of any of it.

It's so hard. My words are simple, but it's because as I said at the beginning, I don't have the words to express the deep, deep pain that is so far inside me. I think about who I would have been had this accident not happened. Where would I be in life? Would I be married? I will never know.

I wish I knew how many more days I had until I could walk again. I want this pain to go away, and I want to be "normal." I want to deal with every day issues that everyone else does without having to deal with being in a wheelchair, too. I also wish I had a button to turn the tears off. They fall so easily from my eyes, and today has been no exception.

I'm sad. Such a simple emotion that we teach children when trying to teach them to use their words rather than screaming or hitting. But honestly, I feel like doing it all. Crying, screaming, hitting, kicking, punching - because I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm angry. I'm afraid. I'm disconnected. I'm paralyzed.

To those who have written to me or called, thank you. I have heard and read your voicemails and emails, and I appreciate you taking the time to do those things for me. Each and everyone one has been so encouraging and uplifting. Your posts on Facebook are amazing, and I am blessed beyond measure to have true friends who have upheld me and Jennifer today. I also thank you for your patience as I still grieve and process through the past ten years. Most of those ten years have been awful. The first year was a blur, the second was a little clearer, the third was when I started rebelling until year seven when I finally realized it's time to start living life. So really, I feel as if I'm new to this disability all over again. Yet, it's been ten years.

I'm not sure how to close this testament, but deep within my heart, I know Jesus has been with me every step of the way. I don't always agree with his decisions (thus my rebellious days), and there are times when I have the strong desire to be in control. But I know He loves me, is crying with me, and is saving all my tears in Heaven.

I know that He has a purpose and plan for my life.

However, honestly...

I'd rather just be home with Jesus.

July 29, 2000 changed the course of my life forever, and I'll never know who I would have been had this not happened to me. But today on July 29, 2010, I'm hoping for a better next 10 years than the decade I just finished, knowing that each day I wake up is an opportunity to be better, do better, and think better. Yes, there will still be ups and downs, and I will still cry and mourn, but I pray that God changes the course of my life these next ten years into one that is dramatically more amazing than the last ten.

RIP to the walking Alyson Roth - July 29, 2000. The first 21 years of my life were amazing, and I miss you.

To Whom It May Concern

2010-07-13T15:43:00.000-07:00

I know with 1000% of my being that I was wearing my seat belt during the time of my car accident almost 10 years ago on July 29th around 7am in the morning in southern Nevada. I'm tired of people trying to presume I wasn't and convince others that the reason I'm now paralyzed was because I wasn't wearing it.

I WAS WEARING MY SEAT BELT!

I am a Christian, I've been sworn under oath, and I know with all my spirit and mind that I have always, will always, and was wearing my seat belt on July 29, 2000. I vividly remember it touching my chest, so to not believe my statement is completely invalid.

Do not try to persuade others that I was not wearing my seat belt 10 years ago. I was. I still do. And I will always wear my seat belt. The 1986 528e BMW car I was a passenger in was defective, and IT is what caused my disablity as I was ejected out of the car, not the seat belt. Again, I was wearing my seat belt. End of discussion.

Regards,

Alyson

For the Wages of Sin Is Death

2010-06-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

I was raised to believe that everything the Bible said was literally true. And I followed that advice. After all, what is an 8 year old to believe otherwise? Thus the reason my view on theology is a bit off kilter and tends to lean towards the legalistic side when things go bad. Basically, I was taught if the Bible said to do it and you did, good things would happen. If you disobeyed and did wrong, you were punished.

I had my first kiss about 4 weeks before the car accident. I was 21 years old. Yes, I know. A late bloomer. For about two years (maybe three) after the accident, I believed that because I kissed that boy, God was now punishing me by making me paralyzed and now have to use a wheelchair. Yes, I really believed that to be true. You see, I had never done anything "bad" before. I wasn't a "bad" child, I didn't do anything against the rules, and I did everything I was told. I never pushed the boundaries or limits. I did exactly what the Bible said, or at least I tried. So my mind told me that it should be expected that when I "went out on a limb" and kissed this boy and took an unplanned trip back to Georgia on a whim with my best friend from college that I'd be punished and in a wheelchair, but my heart didn't want to believe it because how could God do this to me?

My 10 year anniversary is coming up. Rather, I should say "our" 10 year anniversary is coming up because there were two people involved in the accident - me and Jennifer. She walked away, and I was unable to walk. July 29th will mark the day my life changed. So it was around this time 10 years ago that I had my first kiss. There are times I wonder "what if" on many things. However this year, I proposed the idea to Jennifer that we travel back to the place where the accident happened (or just get together somewhere in the USA) as we have both healed a lot through our own growth and timing. I was so hopeful and ready... and excited. Excited to move forward and past it all with her. I was ready for closure.

I got an email a few weeks ago that said she wasn't emotionally or physically ready. This sent me spiraling downward into deep depression. I couldn't stop crying for days, and everything triggered me. I was thinking in my head, "I'm the one who's paralyzed, and you're not physically or emotionally ready??" I was worthless that week. It's only gotten a little better since then.

In November, I took part in something with someone that I knew wasn't right, and I now believe it is what is causing all these physical iniquities within my body. Since that time, I have bruised the bones in my hand, sprained my back, had a concussion, fallen back into depression, broken my leg, torn my MCL, and now have 2nd degree burns on the bottoms of my feet.

And it's only June.

If only....

I wonder if this other person is going through the same hell I am. I hope so, because I'm so sick of this pain, especially when I knew I shouldn't have done it. But the legalistic side of my upbringing tells me, "Alyson, you knew that you would be punished because you did something bad. What else did you expect?"

It is true that "the wages of sin is death," however through the blood of Jesus and His death on the cross and ascension into Heaven, I know with my heart that He is a God of forgiveness and not a God of punishment, that He loves me deeply and wants to protect me from all harm and evil. He is not a God of punishment, but He will discipline when necessary. That verse in the Bible is meant for those who do not believe in Jesus Christ.

I just have to get my mind to believe that, as I believe right now that the reason I'm having all of these physical problems is because I committed that sin. And I hate that this person caused me to stumble, thus creating all of this bad stuff to happen, in my opinion!!

It's only June. I can't and don't want to deal with any more physical pain. I just want to be healthy again. And with the 10 year anniversary of the car accident upon me in just 34 days, it makes me spiral back to... just... wanting... my... old... life... back. If nothing else, at least walk through it with me. But no. Not this anniversary. I guess I'll wait until another time. Afterall, I guess I'm still paying for that sin in November. Or maybe that sin 10 years ago.

I hope life is as hard for you as it is for me (and this is not directed at Jennifer), because my life has been hell since.

My Soul in Green Pastures

2010-06-01T12:32:00.000-07:00

(Photo by Alyson Roth)

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for His name's sake.

Even though I walk

through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love with follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

(Psalm 23)

Such a familiar passage in the Christian world, yet it is one that I've drifted away from. I have not allowed myself to rest in that scripture. It encompasses all phases of life, and right now, I'm trying to figure out my place. Late quarter-life crisis? Maybe.

I went to my most favorite place this weekend - Yosemite National Park. I was looking forward to finally being there in the Springtime - the last season to conquer as I have been during the Summer, Fall, and Winter. So as one can imagine, I was extremely excited to follow out the "lay down in green pastures and beside still waters" part of the above scripture. I wanted to be alone with nature, my thoughts, my past life, my current life, and my God. My Yosemite. Well, the opposite happened.

I was so thankful for a friend to allow us to stay at his cabin in Bass Lake, just south of the southern entrance to Yosemite. There were six of us that went, and four had never been before. So, I became the tour guide. I partially knew this was going to happen. Perhaps I was in denial about the role, but I really didn't want to be the tour guide once in the park. I needed and wanted time by myself. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the flip side of it and enjoyed hanging out with my friends in a new and personal way. But watching them climb up fallen trees and splash across the streams, climbing rocks... well... it made me miss my old life again. Yosemite isn't what it used to be for me anymore, and that makes me sad when I'm around friends who are experiencing it for the first time and seeing their reactions as if watching my own back in the day ten years ago.

Thus the reason for looking forward to being alone with myself, my God, and my Yosemite for a moment. I'm sure the opportunity will happen again, and I really did have a good time seeing waterfalls I've never seen before but only heard about (because they are usually dried up by Summertime), and laughing, exploring, and telling stories about the in's and out's of Yosemite.

So I know I'm comforted by the Lord. My old life is just that... old and in the past. The memories are still there, and I'll never forget them. They were some of the best times of my life. But every so often it creeps up on me without warning, and I get sad.

He has anointed me and prepared a place for me at His table, so I know I'm going to feel that overflowing feeling of goodness again soon. It is always there, but there are times I reject it because I'm human.

It's time for me to get back in touch with my Shepherd so I don't "want" for anything else but Him. Teach me, Lord, that I don't need a physical place like Yosemite to lie down in to feel your presence, but that you are everywhere at all times at every moment when I need you. Forgive me for my selfishness, and teach me to lean on you in all settings, surroundings, and opportunities.

Love. Life. Happiness.... and Sorrow.

2010-04-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

We all want it. We all strive to find it. And if we're lucky enough, God gives us that soulmate.

However this week, I've cried with such a heavy heart for someone I love.

Eight years ago, I stood beside one of my best friends and roommates in college, Rachel King, along with many other true friends as she married the man of her dreams, Stewart Bieber, on April 20, 2002. I was also with her on their 8th anniversary in Birmingham, AL this past Tuesday. But rather than celebrating their marriage and love, I wept alongside her as she poured out in tears and words the emptiness that her heart now feels. On Saturday, April 17th, her husband, Stewart, was tragically killed in a water skiing accident.

Rachel and Stewart were on a professional ski team. It was something they both loved and enjoyed doing together, and the people who were on their team were really like an extended family to them.

I'm full of the deepest sorrow I've ever felt for someone I love. Her weeping reminded me of what Mary, the mother of Jesus, must have sounded like as she watched her Son die on the cross. It was empty, lonely, deep, and painful all at the same time. Sadly, I know that pain all too well (in a different manner, of course) when my car accident occurred.

I was there when she went on her first "date" with him in the fall of 1999 - though it wasn't a date. Rachel wanted to take flying lessons, and Stewart was her assigned pilot. I vividly remember her coming home from her lesson with a smile I've never seen before as she exclaimed with joy that she met the man she was going to marry. Little did she know, he was thinking the same thing that day. However, they remained "good buddy's" for two years until finally, they said "I do."

(L-R: Anna Crow Padgett, Julie Buckley Tiemann, Janna Scott Montgomery, and me next to Stewart with other bridesmaids on their wedding day.)

Their relationship was like none I've ever known. It's one I was envious of and yearned for when it was my time to get married. Literally every day was like the first day they got married. Rachel is full of life, spontaneity, passion, and love for adventure. Stewart expressed his love for her every single day of their life, and always made a point to love on other people, too... showing them the love of Christ. They both lived life to the fullest, and I can honestly say (which I don't use lightly) that they were soulmates. He was made for her, and she was made for him. They were best friends, and it pains me to see her without him now.

I got the news of Stewart's death from Julie, one my other college friends who was also in their wedding and who I was with in Yosemite 1999. In fact, that's how all of us "Yosemite Girls" met and have remained next to each other through many events in each others' lives. However, ever since that phone call from Julie, I cannot stop crying. I hurt so much for my dear, sweet friend as she had to witness his tragic death.

It's not fair. It shouldn't have happened to her. It was the wrong time and too early for him to go.

But as I said, I know the pain, sorrow, and emptiness of "loss" all too well. So the reason I cry so much for my dear friend, Rachel, is because I know what she's up against. I know how the devil is and how he'll try to tear her down. I know the depression that will come, the sleepless nights of pure tears, and the oddest times that trigger a memory of the past. I hurt for her because I know what this next year will be like for her. Even though she's a very strong Christian, she is still.... human. Rachel was there for me in my darkest hours to encourage and build me up, yet also let me cry, too. So when she asked me to be there with her in Birmingham while I happened to be in Atlanta last week, there wasn't even a question of whether or not I'd drive to be with her this week during her time of need.

When I got hurt in my car accident, I naturally asked "Why? Why me? Why now?" Rachel is asking the same questions, and I don't have the answers for her. However, after about 5 years post injury, I started to see why God allowed this paralysis to happen. In fact, it's not just one reason. I've found that there are many reasons. And after spending time with Rachel on Tuesday, I know that God used my tragedy ten years ago to help her now in her time of sorrow. I also know that the Lord will show Rachel when it's time the answer to her "Why" questions.

Please pray for my sweet and dear friend, Rachel, as her name comes to your mind as she mourns the loss of her husband, Stewart. Please also pray for the driver of the boat (who was a friend of theirs) as he deals with guilt and pain, and finally, pray for both extended families - the loss of a son, brother, husband, and friend. The memorial service will be on Friday, April 23, 2010.

The Lord WILL restore the years that the locusts have taken away (Joel 2:25-26) Rachel, your dreams are not broken, and you will get through this through the strength of the Lord. You WILL have peace soon, and I pray that through this tragedy that many people would know the love of the Lord and choose to walk with Him on a daily basis... following in Stewart's example.

My heart is heavy and my eyes are swollen with tears the past few days, but I am confident with faith that Stewart is in Heaven with Jesus right now. Rachel, I love you with all my heart and am so, so sorry. But as I said to you on Tuesday, eventually, all doves go back to their Master. Yours left too soon, but know that Stewart is with Jesus now - the best place ever!

"For we will surely die and become like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again. Yet God does not take away a life; but He devises means, so that His banished ones are not expelled from Him." 2 Samuel 14:14

To read more about Rachel and Stewart, please click here to read Julie Tiemann's beautiful tribute to them. Also, you can click here to read Rachel and Stewart's blog about how they've been building their dream house - a log cabin in the woods.

First Time for Everything, Even Snow Skiing!

2010-02-27T16:12:00.000-08:00

I had the amazing opportunity to do something I've always wanted to learn how to do since I've become paralyzed. Before I got hurt, I used to love to snow ski! I would always challenge myself to do bigger and better hills, and eventually worked myself to flying down black diamond hills!

But this week, I had a chance to mark something off of my to-do list, and it definitely won't be my last time! I learned how to mono-ski!!

Big Bear Mountain in Southern California has a fantastic adaptive program that I've seen on the internet for quite awhile but have never had the guts to actually go up and take advantage of the program. The United States Adaptive Recreation Center (USARC) was founded in 1983 to ensure that access to skiing is available to people with many types of disabilities. The first full-time, on-site adaptive ski school was established in 1989 at Big Bear Mountain Ski Resort in Southern California. It relies on amazing volunteers to help assist each participant, and I was fortunate to have two of the best (in my opinion), Tim and Sara!

There was so much unknown about a sport I've never done since becoming hurt almost 10 years ago, but Sara and Tim were so encouraging, supportive, and confident that I'd master this sport in no time.

They helped me transfer from my wheelchair into a mono-ski, and then Tim taught me how to use the riggers (adapted poles) to help me turn. The most important part of skiing on a mono-ski is balancing, and it's all in your shoulders, upper body, and trunk support. The riggers are only there to help you turn. I didn't quite get the hang of it the first several times down the mountain because I kept reflecting back to how it "used to be."

Sara would ski in front of me (backwards at that!), and Tim would ski behind me, holding on to me for support when I needed it (which was a lot at first).
But of course, I fell quite a bit. Ha! I laughed every time, except for the one time where I felt totally out of control and ran over someone and then someone ran over me. I guess that happens, though. Being so low to the ground, I felt like I was going so, so fast, but in reality, I wasn't going that fast at all. It was definitely a very different sensation than before when I was walking. But, I felt safe the entire time.
Towards the end of the day, I definitely felt more confident in my skills and was significantly determined to master that mountain! I learned how to load onto the ski lift by myself, and in the picture below, we are laughing because I flung myself backwards onto the ski lift so much that I bounced off the back and almost bounced back out of the lift! Ha!
Hooray! I finally learned how to do it! Granted, I could only stay up by myself for about 10-15 seconds before I'd fall again. But, I was happy! I had such a fun, fun time up there, and I certainly want to make it back up there so I can get even better. Sara and Tim were excellent teachers, and I highly recommend you ask for them to help you!
There really isn't anything in life that you can't do when you're paralyzed. Yes, it may be a little different, but it shouldn't stop your life from being enjoyable, satisfying, and fun. I had a blast learning how to ski and had a smile on my face the entire time.
Two thumbs up to the USARC program at Big Bear and to the wonderful volunteers that help make days like this possible for people with disabilities. You make a huge difference in providing confidence and positive self-esteem, so THANK YOU!

My last request was to get down in the snow (even though I'd been in it face first several times when falling!) so that I could just enjoy the snow. Anyone for a snowball fight? Get out there and enjoy life, and make sure you know that God really doesn't give us anything we can't handle!

Trusting His Will... Most Days

2010-02-16T21:19:00.000-08:00

First, thank you for all who have said or sent kind words of encouragement, support, prayers, and love. Life is full of ups and downs, and I find it interesting that some people find it shocking that I am so honest with how I'm feeling. Why put on a mask and act like everything is perfect... when it's not? Just because I say I'm feeling like I've had a bad hand dealt to me the past few weeks/months, it doesn't mean that I would want to trade my life in for the alternative. I don't know... just saying. I guess we all need to learn to be a little more honest if it rubs you the wrong way.

There is a lot of transition going on in my life right now in so many various ways. New beginnings, things ending, and yet still being pushed and pulled in many directions. The future is unknown, and as much as I want to say it's "ok," my need to be in control sometimes over powers trusting in the will of God.

Time to bring it back to basics. Learn to simplify, and learn to be okay with being simple. Living in Orange County is not easy as there are so many - SO MANY - people here who live the "rich life." And I deal with jealousy and envy on a constant basis. I want what they have. But I have to remember - or at least try to remember - that my life, plan, and purpose is different from others I encounter. I need to remember that truth. God created me, planned out my life, and made me the exact way that I am for a specific plan. It's just that for some reason right now, I'm feeling insecure about that plan. Aaaah, life. No one ever said it would be easy.

Now I'm rambling, so I'll stop. Thank you for continuing to pray for me and encourage me throughout this journey called life. You all mean so much to me.

Everyone Sees It But Me

2010-02-08T12:39:00.000-08:00

I was raised a codependent. I was taught to put others first, to not cause waves, and to do something when someone told you to do it, even if you didn't want to. I was told to always try your best (even when your best wasn't good enough) and innately sought the good in people rather than the bad. I am a perfectionist. When something went wrong, I tried to figure out what I did to make it go haywire (even if I had no part in it), and I worry about things I can't change even though I still try my hardest to change them. I feel out of control when I'm not in control. I have issues of trust. If you say you're going to do something, stick to it. I believe in fairness. If you do something for someone else, I expect you to do the same for the other person. I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected, yet I am very sensitive to the needs of others. I am driven towards things I believe strongly in, yet lack motivation for things I'm not interested in. I worry about what people think, and I'm sad when they don't acknowledge me in a way I feel loved. If you're going to be a friend, be a friend. Don't half way be a friend. I have enough of those.

And this is why I hate being a codependent. Over the last few months, I have been struggling with these characteristics more than I realized, and for some reason, it all has come crashing in my face again. I have more obligations than I have time for, I'm investing time into people who don't invest back into me, and overall I am not happy. Depression has been creeping in ever so slowly since about Thanksgiving, and now I think it's in full force. I'm overwhelmed with the tasks at hand, and my deepest desire in life is about to walk away from me. It's all I can do to get up each morning, knowing I already have an imbalance within my body regarding sleep. My head burns with pain and my eyes are wet most days. The smile is halfway there when it has to be, but in reality, I'd rather just escape to a cave.

I have a fridge full of friends' pictures of their kids - kids I should also have, yet I'm still single and childless. I wonder, "What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to be loved? I've accomplished so much and overcome so much in my life!"

And at the end of the day when things are really bad... I blame it all on my disability. I think we all have our "default" that we blame things on. The devil tells me, "If you didn't have this wheelchair, you'd be able to accomplish everything you want and more. If you weren't paralyzed, you'd be able to run and lose weight. If you weren't in a wheelchair, maybe someone would love you enough to want to commit their entire life to be with you forever. Obviously you're not fit to have children."

Depression plus codependency is not a good thing. And with Valentines Day on the verge this weekend and my birthday coming around the corner, I know I'm not getting any younger. Sometimes, I wonder how long it would take for someone to realize I'm missing. Gone. Away. I just want to shut my eyes some days hoping it will all go away, and lately, it's been many days.

These are the lies I hear run through my head. And on days like today, I don't have the energy to tell them to go away.

Broken promises.

Emergency Disaster Relief Needed in Haiti - Wheelchairs!

2010-01-13T20:34:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, the country of Haiti was devestated by a magnitude 7 earthquake on Tuesday. Free Wheelchair Mission immediately heard from our partners in the country with the following:

"People are in panic and assisting others in help...they said many are dead and many children with no arms or legs...many under building crying for help... they say it looks like a horrible movie that no one can describe." - Reverend Max Manning, Global Missions

Please consider helping provide emergency relief to the people in Haiti by giving those who are in desperate need of wheelchairs. Free Wheelchair Mission already has 300 wheelchairs on the ground and being assembled now, but that is not enough for the severity of the situation.

One wheelchair only costs $59.20. Can you afford giving one wheelchair so that someone can know and feel the love of Jesus during this horrible time? Please click here to donate directly to Free Wheelchair Mission, or you can visit their website at http://www.freewheelchairmission.org/ for more information.

Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus during this difficult time!

Click here to go directly to the donation page to help those in need in Haiti.

The End to the Beginning - Tournament of Roses Parade

2009-12-31T09:17:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone! 2009 has been fantastic for me and afforded many amazing opportunities. I will not be able to post later today or tomorrow, because I will be in the Tournament of Roses Parade on national television on New Year's Day! What a way to bring in 2010!!!

I have posted pictures on my Ms. Wheelchair California website as well as a blog about what yesterday's activities entailed. We are float number 85 of 91, so be sure to watch for us waving to you! I have had such a fantastic time so far. What a great way to end 2009 and bring in 2010!

You can check out the pictures at http://mswheelchaircalifornia2009.blogspot.com/

I wish you all a blessed New Year as you follow God's will, plan, and purpose for your life. Many blessings to everyone!

Full of Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T15:25:00.000-08:00

"And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness." Colossians 2:6-7

Gratitude is something that comes from deep within when one is truly appreciative of something. In more simpler terms as described by Dr. John Townsend at a message I heard last week, "Gratitude is appreciating what I can't produce." In order to be grateful, you have to have received something. People who have co-dependent tendencies have a hard time receiving because they always want to be in control. I myself have trouble with needing to be in control and feel disoriented (for lack of a better word) when things are not within my control. Some of this comes from issues in my past, but some of it also comes from the undeniable feeling of not being in control of the car while sitting in the passengers seat when my accident happened 9 years ago. However, we need to be thankful for what brings fruit, not for what feels comfortable.

In this season of thanksgiving, I wish to list that for which I'm thankful, keeping in mind that my "gratitude is appreciating what I can't produce on my own."

My family - both blood and God's
A roof over my head and food on the table
Healthcare
Amazing women I met at Ms. Wheelchair America
My cat
Technology
Ability to worship freely
My church
A wonderful job
Law enforcement friends who keep watch over me and protect me every single minute of my life, no matter how busy they are
Honest and supportive friends
Reconnecting with old friends
Cars
Airplanes
God's grace and love when I mess up
Memories of my grandpa
New births
Beautiful flowers, the ocean, mountains, palm trees, and sunsets
Those protecting us in the military. I salute you.
Freshly washed sheets
Good music
Love
Opportunities to share God's love in multiple different venues
My mentors who keep me on track
My fantastic boss (and no, I'm not just saying that! I really do mean it! - Plus, he's from the South. How can you NOT like him??)
Doctors, teachers, police officers, and fire fighters
Pictures that help freeze wonderful moments in time
Celebrate Recovery
My health
My education
Hugs, smiles, and laughter
Children's curiosity
the birth and resurrection of Jesus Christ
Candles
the fact that our forefathers built this country on the foundation of Christianity
Coffee
Opportunities to try new things
Sweatshirts
For this accident/disability to have happened to me (9 years ago, I could have never imagined myself saying that. God has rescued me from hell and back, and the lessons I've learned have been invaluable)
My Salvation
Exercise
Drive-thru's
Stoplights
Laws that protect us from harm and/or harmful people
Warm cookies
Seeing growth in myself year after year

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Back in the Day... to Today.

2009-11-06T23:15:00.000-08:00

High school was an interesting time for me. I never felt like I quite fit in, though I was friends with people in many of the groups on campus. Looking back, some may have said I was “popular,” and others may say I was a nerd. I don’t know. I was sadly trying to constantly fit in while at the same time hold to my values and beliefs. (I'm in the pink top and white pants in the picture. This was during a Chorus Show in Highschool.)

I remember going to my first high school football game. It was full of excitement and camaraderie. The sounds, the sights, the people! It was all so exciting as we chanted for our home team with our faces painted with school colors and waved pom pom’s in the air. We would bang our feet on the stands loudly in an attempt to distract the other team as the 15 or so cheerleaders joined us in their cheers. Sometimes we won, most of the time we didn’t, but it was high school at its finest. The band would play the same songs each Friday night it seemed, and probably the best part (for me) was watching the band during halftime as the color guard and majorettes had choreographed routines to coincide with the music. Honestly, I had no clue about football (and still really don’t). But music… I understood music! Aaah, those were the days.

Tonight, I had the privilege of watching one of the top rated high school football game on Homecoming night, nonetheless. I’m a good friend with one of the coaches on the team, and I’ve always been encouraged to come watch a game. However, it’s not exactly my idea of a “Friday night,” so to speak. You know, to go hang out with high schoolers who I don’t know. Tonight, however, I was inspired to go watch him in action. I was given special access to be on the sidelines, which I don’t know was really that helpful because I constantly had football players’ rear ends in my face. But again, I wasn’t really there to watch the game but to watch and encourage my friend while he coached.

My focus quickly changed from “watching him in action” to observing how much has changed in high school’s since I last attended over ten years ago. Wow, what happened between then and now? As you walk into the stadium, there are vendors galor selling their wares and food. Everything from Mexican to hamburgers were set up underneath pop up tents. Shoot. All we had was the “Food Stand” that sold nachos, popcorn, sodas, and candy underneath the bleachers. There may have been hotdogs, too. I can’t remember. Tonight, I almost felt like I was at a real football game with all the vendors! Also, there must have been not 15 but 50 cheerleaders, and each has their own personal, decorated wood block that they stand on. I imagine this is to see above the football players. Our cheerleaders never had that type of pedestal. They just cheered on the track field. The people in the stands back then were dressed for comfort and spirit, not style. We didn’t have cell phones. Beepers/pagers were just coming into play, but not everyone had one. But tonight, almost every girl I saw had their blonde hair all done up as they donned big fancy earrings, designer skinny jeans with Ugg boots holding an iPhone. It made me want to say “Ugh.”

The smell of alcohol was rancid tonight. Where was I when all this was happening back in the day? I’m sure it had to have been going on, but I was clueless to it all. I mean, when I was in high school, after the football game was over, I went home. I never would have thought about drinking before, during, or after the football game. Wow. No wonder the crowd was so rowdy tonight.

Since it was “Homecoming Night,” perhaps there were more people there than normal, but halftime in particular was extremely different than I remember on Homecoming Night. When I was in high school, the marching band would play a little number and then along with the color guard, they would split into two to create a beautiful path down the 50 yard line where each girl who was nominated was escorted by her parents. Each girl was announced with all her achievements, and it was exciting to hear the announcement of who won over the loud speaker. Back in my day, becoming Homecoming Queen was more of a popularity contest, but as I sat on the sidelines tonight with one of the teachers at the school, it seems as if each of the girls that were nominated were really good, smart, and deserving girls. But, the entire “announcement” was so odd and weird. There was no marching band. There wasn’t a color guard. Instead, there was this odd dramatic play about the “Wizard of Oz” on the field and the witch had to let out each of the nominated girls from behind this cage-thing where their dad’s would then take them and lead them down the field. Then in sync, the girls danced a choreographed dance to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with their dad’s. I must say that although it was odd, it was also strangely tear-jerking. What a beautiful memory this must have been for these dads to have danced with their daughters all dressed up on Homecoming Night in front of all these people. However – almost without warning – the music was done and suddenly everyone looked to the End Zone and within two seconds, fireworks started shooting off and the name of the winner for Queen was lit up – in fireworks!! Is this just California high schools that can afford this?? Fireworks? Seriously? This never, ever, ever happened when I was in high school. Man, I feel old.

It was rather chilly (55 degrees), so I left shortly after the 3^rd Quarter started. After all, it was 30-7 when I left… and they win every game. I don’t think tonight will be much different. But I couldn’t help but get back into my car and think back to how much things have changed in such a short time for me. And it was all triggered by a high school football game. Ten plus years ago when I graduated high school, I was one of those teenagers in the stands. My life was solely centered around me for the most part, and my co-dependency was in high gear as I desired to fit in and “be somebody.” Now, here I am years later and can’t believe how times have changed. Though there are some days that I miss those years, I love where I am now. I love the path that I’ve taken and the road that God has me on. It empowers me to look back at my life then and my life now – and compare it to those I tried so desperately to be like in high school. For some, I am glad I’m not like them. They are still living the same lifestyle they were back then – drinking, partying, trying to “be someone.” Others I’m extremely proud of as they have gone and married and have beautiful families. Others have sadly divorced. But all in all, I’m thankful that I lived that somewhat “sheltered” life while in high school. I think life for me would have been completely different now that I’m older had I succumbed to the pressure of being a teenager.

Needless to say, tonight was a very eye opening experience. I’m glad I’m no longer in high school, and God help me when I have children who reach high school age where fireworks are no longer the “in” thing. What will it be next?

Oh, and good job coaching tonight, though I don’t think I watched much of it…. J

A Day of Thanks... and Birthday's!

2009-11-02T00:03:00.000-08:00

I have so much to be thankful for, and as we enter into November, I want to list some of what I'm thankful for throughout the month.

I am first extremely thankful for my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and the patience that He exudes with me. I am thankful for my continued recovery and acceptance of life as it is, not as I would have it. I am thankful that I am able to take one day at a time and one moment at a time.

Today, I am extremely thankful for two very special people in my life who just so happen to have the same birthday - today - November 2nd!

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The man who I love entered my life four years ago. It was unexpected, not planned, but definitely not coincidental. God definitely knew what He was doing that day on May 26, 2007. This man taught me about how to be loved, how to be okay with who you are, how to enjoy laughter, and how to honestly love football. He loves me for exactly the way I am (emotions and all), is a man of God, and is my best friend. I love watching him coach highschoolers and be passionate about what he does to the fullest. I am at every football game, cheering on the sidelines among the players, but moreso, I'm watching my love enjoy his job as a coach. I admire him for the patience he has, his calm demeanor, and the beautiful heart he has for others. I have seen him grow in the last four years to be an amazing man who has taken the time to listen, learn, seek, and love, and I hope to be lucky enough to spend many more years growing together with him. He is one of the funniest people I know. I love watching him impersonate certain people, watching Law & Order marathons with him, and having him come up from behind me and wrap his arms around me and kiss me on the neck. When he leaves me, he kisses me goodbye, but then he also tenderly kisses me on the forehead, which I adore. I enjoy hearing stories of when he was little and stories of his dad. I love his family. The first time I met them was at Thanksgiving 2007, and after dinner, I fell asleep on their couch. I was so embarrassed that I fell asleep but later was told it's a sign of "comfortableness" and was taken as a compliment. I love his son, even though he is not my own. I have loved watching him grow up since he was 11 years old, and my first time meeting him was when he, his dad, and I went to a hockey game together. I remember feeling honored that this man who I had just met a few months prior was willing to open his son up to meeting me. I miss watching his son play baseball as he is a phenomenal player (this was back in Little League), but I look forward to sitting in the stands and cheering on this now 15 year old as he takes on a new endeavor - lacrosse.

So, to this man that I love with all my heart, who I know would lay down his life for me, and who never says "if" you walk again, but "when"... to the man I watched get baptized and commit his life to the Lord, who watched me surf for the first time, and who encouraged me to compete for Ms. Wheelchair California, I say to my best friend, my support system, and my love, "Happy Birthday, Robert! I love you with all that is within me!" I hope to spend many, many more birthday's with you.

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The second person who's birthday is today is one of my best girl friends who God brought into my life a year ago. She is my opposite and an amazing accountability partner. She does not judge me for the things I've done wrong in my life, forgives without holding a grudge, and above all, has given me a friend who I can count on for anything at any time. Not only is she a woman of God, but she is knock down, drop dead gorgeous! She has a genuine heart for the less fortunate and specifically for those who are disabled (she is an occupational therapist), loves life, the outdoors, the sun, traveling, and frozen yogurt! Yum! :) Yes, she is my opposite, but she is also almost a twin. We understand each other, and when she's busy, working, or with her husband (who just so happens to be the white version of Robert! Ha!), a part of me feels like it's missing. She has a thirst for the Word, a passion for healing people through the gift that God has given her, and a generous spirit that will try anything once. I love her so much, and I'm so, so glad that she was born on this day as well. So to one of my best friends who I consider as close to a sister as one could probably get, I say, "Happy Birthday, Chrissie! I love you!"

I am so, so blessed to have two people who I love so much and that love me just as I am to be born on the same day! Happy Birthday Robert and Chrissie!

Betrayal

2009-10-23T00:48:00.000-07:00

"It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know

if you will risk looking like a fool

for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive..."

We often look for someone we can trust more than we trust ourselves. Perhaps this is because we know how often we betray ourselves. It is uncomfortable when someone perceives us as breaking faith with past promises. Yet, if we live fully, it is inevitable that this will sometimes happen, because change is inevitable, and commitments, if they are to remain vital, must be remade and renewed.

Often we protect ourselves from the knowledge of broken promises by pretending that nothing has changed. We betray ourselves when we deny the change that terrifies us, when we maintain the external illusion that all remains the same. If someone names the betrayal, everything begins to unravel. When our denial of what has happened is so deep as to seem complete, the shock of revelation is overwhelming. We feel broadsided, stunned, broken. I feel a bit this way now.

When we acknowledge betrayal and take responsibility for our decisions to break agreements, for our knowledge that someone has broken an agreement with us, we ache with the anticipated loss of innocence. To trust again, we must be willing to face the shadow of innocence - the deliberate naivete that clings to denial and rejects the truth as too hard.

If we cannot live with our need to renew agreements we have made, we break the only promise we really owe each other - to be truthful. This means finding both the courage to be truthful with ourselves and a way to live with how our actions affect others, even when there is no ill intent and no one to blame.

When an agreement that is important to us is broken, we feel hurt and angry. And, if the agreement is broken but we or others pretend that it has not been violated, we learn to distrust ourselves or those others when the truth is revealed. The real damage of betrayal is in the lies we tell one another and ourselves, the lies that cause us to lose faith in our ability to recognize and act on the truth.

Part of being trustworthy is being able to recognize when our perceptions and judgements are untrustworthy and to cultivate a community that can support and guide us in those times. I'm learning to do that now.

Jesus had one of his closest friends betray him. Judas was his name. He was chosen by God to be one of Jesus' dicsiples. When Judas kisses Jesus, it signifies one of the great betrayals of all time. What is most interesting is Jesus' reaction. In Matthew's account, he simply tells him to do what he needs to do. He accepts the betrayal as the done deal that it was. He betrayed Jesus in such a deep way and in the end, Judas hung himself out of the guilt he felt for what he had done (Matthew 27).

"While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests and the elders of the people. Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: "The one I kiss is the man; arrest him." Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, "Greetings, Rabbi!" and kissed him. Jesus replied, "Friend, do what you came for." Matthew 26:47-50

Yet, Jesus forgave him.

It's times when we are betrayed by someone we trusted that we look to our own spirit for Truth. Part of betrayal is offering forgiveness, but if you're on the other side of it, it's also asking to be forgiven. Once forgiveness is requested, trust can become restored. However, it's up to us if we want to leave things undone, and we ruin your own blessings for years to come when things are left unsettled.

Being truthful with the people we've hurt is so important. So, risk looking like a fool... ask for forgiveness so that someone else's innocence of learning to trust can be restored.

The Waiting Room

2009-10-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

If you've ever been in a waiting room, you know that you have the opportunity to observe people's lives in such a different way than one would normally have access to. Some of the most intimate things are revealed to people that you probably would normally not hear or know while waiting for someone.

I've been in a few waiting rooms in my life. Most recently, I was in an Emergency Room waiting room in Memphis, TN for an incident that happened late September this year.

Here is a poem about what I observed, heard, and saw while waiting.

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The Waiting Room

Two lives. Intermingled yet separate.

One is carefree and ready, the other is bound by barbed wire.

Two chairs. At the same table, but only one can be sat in.

One is brown, the other red.

Two dates. One sooner, one later.

One chose the earlier date because the other was too long to wait.

Two airline tickets. Same destination, different departure.

One made it on the airplane, the other only made it to the airport.

Two feelings. One is excited, the other is upset.

One knows this because of the detailed information the Delta representative told her.

Two nights. Time to be spent together.

Instead, it was spent alone. Alone.

Two ways of getting in touch. A gesture of respect at least.

Neither were used as of yet.

Two people. One city was the plan.

Instead, two cities, still apart.

Two lives. Undeniable attraction. Yet somehow, denied.

"Why make it to the airport and not get on the airplane?" one questioned.

"Why book another flight and not take it?" another asked.

"I waited in the room for you," one said. "For hours into the night. And yet I still wait for that date, that ticket, those feelings, those nights, and that city to take place and be rescheduled in the near future. I hope you reconsider what could be. I hope you'll reconsider taking the next step."

"I want you in my life. Don't leave me."

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The things you observe in a Waiting Room...

Musings of Incense

2009-10-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

That smell of sandlewood incense takes me back to a place I remember well. A place where life was exactly as I wanted it to be. I was carefree, happy, and in love with all I did and everyone I encountered. That smell quickly takes me back to that time and place. The place is that enchanted forest in the canyon called Yosemite.

During times where I need to escape, I burn this incense. And listen to music. And I’m burning it now. Be careful. The house may burn down.

My mind and heart are in a very contemplative state right now that leaves me questioning during this moment of stillness tonight. So, I burn incense. Not as a way to escape this time, but as a way to focus. To hone in on capturing these feelings in journal format.

There is so much that seems so unreal about my life at the moment. So much that I thought would never be possible. Surreal moments. Moments when I have to pinch myself and soak in every drop so that when the moment is over, I can reflect back on its goodness. Life is good right now. I remember the days when I was younger wishing to be “someone” that people could look up to and say “I knew her when…”. I guess I am that person now, though I say it with some hesitancy. I really don't feel as if I'm anyone really, but people seem to think I am.

I'm just me.

I don’t ever want to be satisfied or feel I’ve reached the top. There will always be another mountain to climb, another path to cross, and another dream to make come true. There is a saying that says, “Don’t let your success get to your head or your failures get to your heart.” Though I believe each of those statements individually, I don’t agree with them when together. To me, that means one should be complacent. That is not me. I live for the moment and plan for the future. I capture each day as though it is my last, because I’ve been there before. I've been to that day where it was almost my last. I don’t want to ever say, “I shoulda, woulda, coulda…” Just do it, as Nike would say.

But yet, I still don’t feel complete. There are still a few things that are missing in my life that I desperately yearn for. This weekend, I have the opportunity to potentially begin pursuing one of those dreams. But, it may be another dead end road that I've been traveling down for the past two years.

So, I burn incense to hopefully take me to a place to focus. And yes, probably to escape to the reality I’m hoping for. The feeling of again being carefree, of being loved, and of being adventurous. I want to be reminded of who I am and what I really, really want.

In Bible times, burning incense was used during prayer time to symbolize prayers as one visually watched the smoke (prayers) being sent and lifted to heaven.

I pray this prayer reaches heaven.

2nd Runner Up at Ms. Wheelchair America!

2009-09-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

I'm back from South Dakota! Wow, did I have an amazing time meeting some pretty remarkable women from all across the nation. Not only did I gain great memories and friendships, but I also learned a lot about myself, too. The host state was extremely helpful and accomodating as well as the hotel we stayed at. I was thoroughly impressed by the people of Rapid City and their hospitality. Great place to visit for sure!

An immense "thank you" goes out to Terry and Karen Charlton for the countless hours they put in to making this pageant a huge success. They were definitely the engine behind the machine along with the Ms. Wheelchair America Board. I'm proud and honored to represent my great state of California as well as to have placed in the Top 5 and be selected as 2nd Runner Up! Thank you to the judges and everyone else for this great blessing.

With everything in life, it's important that we use it as a chance to grow and reflect on what we learned. This past week was no different as I definitely had an opportunity to learn from other people as well as learn things about myself, too. Here are some of the things I learned from this past week:

* I learned that not everything is as it appears, and sometimes people will do whatever it takes to get where they want to be, even if it means hurting others.

* I was reminded of the fact that I am a confident woman who knows who I am and am confident in my walk with the Lord. Though I may not always be "perfect," I am covered by grace.

* I was reminded when it's appropriate to say "I'm sorry" and when it's ok to stand your ground.

* I learned that sometimes believing the best in people isn't always the best approach.

* I gained a new sense of appreciation for those who deal with more adversity than I on a daily basis.

* I found out it's ok to be around other women in wheelchairs, and that most are pretty cool chicks!

* I had my spirit rekindled as I gained a new-found appreciation for advocacy and how important it is that my voice be heard in a positive and encouraging manner for those who don't speak up and/or those who tarnish what is being done in America for those with disabilities.

* I was reminded that being a confident woman is intimidating to some people.

* My eyes were opened to what it means to be a "caregiver" and how important their role is to those they are helping out.

There are so many valuable lessons I learned this week beyond these few points. In many ways, I was out of my comfort zone, but at the same time, I realized how important it is for me to surround myself with solid people in my life, especially other Christians. It was important to me that I stayed true to myself and true to who I am as a Christian this past week, though admittedly there were a few times that I failed. I hope all of you enjoyed keeping up with my week via the Ms. Wheelchair California blog. If you didn't get a chance to read it, please go visit the site. You'll find great pictures as well as great stories about the days activities.

I am so proud of the fact that I placed in the Top 5 with some other great women, and I couldn't be happier about the fact that I got 2nd Runner Up. I will continue to support the Ms. Wheelchair America program and all that it exudes with my own advocacy work during my reign as Ms. Wheelchair California as well as after my reign is over. Life is a constant journey. It's not a matter of making it to the end, but how you get to the end that matters. I hope that each of you are living with purpose and that you know what your purpose is.

To learn more about the Ms. Wheelchair America pageant and if there is a program in your state, please click here.

To read more about the Ms. Wheelchair California program, please click here.

To read my blog as Ms. Wheelchair California, please click here.

Heading to Nationals - Ms. Wheelchair America!

2009-08-23T14:47:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! Just a quick note to let you know that I leave for the national Ms. Wheelchair America pageant tomorrow morning which is held in South Dakota! It's a week long pageant full of interviews as well as exciting events! I look forward to meeting each of the women from their respective states and learning from all of them.

I'm claiming Hebrews 10:35-36 for my time in South Dakota this coming week. "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

Please keep me in your prayers as well as all the other girls that we come together for one common purpose which is to bring a positive awareness to people with disabilities and all learn how to be better advocates within our own communities. Please also pray that I am a witness for Jesus to everyone I meet and that they would see Jesus through me. Finally, please pray for strength, endurance, and patience. God willing, I'll come back with the title of Ms. Wheelchair America!!

I am going to try to keep my Ms. Wheelchair California blog updated throughout the week so you can see what's happening each day. Feel free to visit it at www.mswheelchaircalifornia2009.blogspot.com.

Wish me luck!

Firing Squad

2009-08-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

I truly believe the closer you are to the will of God, the harder the fight gets. Satan knows our weaknesses, and when we are accomplishing too much for the Kingdom, he knows exactly where to begin attacking in an attempt to break us down. Sometimes they happen slowly over time, and sometimes the attacks come from every direction at rapid speed. The Evil One is even so smart as to put believers against believers. Without a doubt, he knows my weaknesses.

It is exactly why God put Ephesians 6:10-20 in the Bible. He tells us exactly what He has equipped us with if we are believers in the Lord to fight the battle. Reading this reminds me of the movie series, "Chronicles of Narnia." It is one of my favorite movies because it visually makes these verses come to life and was part of the inspiration that C.S. Lewis wrote about it in his books. Personally, I believe I need to do an in-depth study on these verses at this time in my life. Though many fantastic and God-inspired things are happening in my life, I am feeling attacks from many directions that make no sense other than the fact that it reminds me that I'm on the right path. I am within the will of God.

In an effort to soothe my spirit from the pain of some of these attacks, I've noticed that I have begun to revert back to my codependent tendencies, relying on other people to fill me up, make me happy, and satisfy my spirit. Forgive me, Lord, for not relying on You first for my joy.

Though there are many whom I desire to be a part of my life in a more intimate and personal way, I cannot force relationships. Though there are many opportunities that I want to manifest to fruition, I can not manipulate outcomes. And though my life seems to already be full, I still yearn for more. Again Lord, forgive me for not being grateful for all that I have.

I'm reminded by what it says in Galatians 6:7-10. "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. ⁸The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. ⁹Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ¹⁰Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

I have ten days until I make my way to South Dakota for the National competition of Ms. Wheelchair America. The competition will be stiff, and I am constantly reminded by others within the organization of the drama that awaits me. In fact, it has already begun. However, I am choosing not to be a part of it. I want to proudly and genuinely represent first my Lord Jesus Christ and secondly, the disabled community as an advocate and leader for the state of California. God has entrusted me with this task, and it's my opportunity to be His voice, hands, and feet. Please keep me in your prayers the last week of August. The crowning will be held on Saturday, August 29th.

Finally, I am struggling with the word "love." Not just in a "Valentine's Day" way, but in a way that reflects the love of Jesus.

Learning to love people, even when they aren't showing me love.

Allowing others whom I love to walk away from me when that is their choice (even when I don't want them to go).

And finally, learning how to set boundaries around my own love that I give to others. It's hard because again, my tendency is to give, give, give. I need to re-read "Boundaries." If anyone else has another recommendation, please let me know.

Though the road is rough and the path is narrow, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I've been here before, and I know I can make it through. I'm learning again that growth comes by walking through the fire, even though it may hurt a little. Though there are nails all around, my heart still shines... just as in this picture.

Thank you for walking this journey with me.

US Open of Surfing!!

2009-07-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, July 26, 2009, I became the first woman with a disability to surf in the 8th Annual Expression Session with the non-profit organization, Life Rolls On (LRO), at the Hurley U.S. Open of Surfing in Huntington Beach, CA. It was by far the best day of my life.... ever! As the world’s largest surfing competition, I was viewed by an estimated 500,000 people at the US Open of Surfing who gather each year to watch the top surfers compete from all around the world.

I had the best time while at the Open meeting new friends, getting to know others better, and having a chance to be on the beach once more. It was a sleepless weekend, but I got to hang out with some really fantastic people like Cory Staley, Grant Kobayashi, Christiaan Bailey, Patrick Ivison (and his family), Dave King, and Ted Canedy. These guys all are amazing men who I'm grateful to call friends!

(Back Row L-R): Grant Kobayashi, Ted Canedy, Dave King
(Front Row L-R): Christiaan Bailey and me

Returning for the 8th year as the “Official Charity” of the US Open of Surfing, Life Rolls On Foundation is a non-profit organization dedicated to improving the quality of life for young people affected by spinal cord injury (SCI) and uses action sports as a platform to inspire infinite possibilities despite paralysis. LRO utilizes action sports to push the boundary of possibility for those with SCI through outreach education programs, motivation, and awareness.

Aren't the sunsets beautiful?? I love where I live!

On Sunday, July 26, preceding the Men’s Finals, I, along with three Life Rolls On surfers, charged the waves for the LRO “THEY WILL SURF AGAIN” EXPRESSION SESSION – a special exhibition of Life Rolls On’s signature program, They Will Surf Again.

I had a fantastic team of Cory Staley, Scott Caan, Jesse Faen, Grant Kobayashi, and Mike Brown among others to help her pull of a successful surf... catching all four waves without a single wipe out. The crowd lined the Huntington Beach Pier, the bleachers, and the sand as everyone cheered for me as the first woman as well as the fact I'm Ms. Wheelchair California! It was such an amazing day! I wish you could see what I saw from my point of view. It will forever be encapsulated in my mind as a very monumentous occasion.

Below, I was joined (L-R) Patrick Ivison, Christiaan Bailey, and Jessie Billauer (not shown) in the VIP Athlete Zone for quick media and press before we went out into the crowd to surf! What a fantastic day in history!

The waves were extremely big the day before, so everyone was a bit nervous about the surfing conditions for Sunday. However, they calmed down a little, though still dangerous. The current was extremely strong, and with that type of pull, it made for a difficult paddle out. I'm thankful for Cory and Scott who definitely helped put my mind at ease beforehand (though later they both told me that they were just making stuff up to make me feel better and knew the waves were tough! Crazy friends, but I love them for that!)

Afterwards, the four surfers lined up in front of the LRO booth for media and press interviews. Thank you to Life Rolls On for your undying support of people with spinal cord injuries/disabilities and for helping everyone become more aware that life does go on! I have so many great memories of the weekend, and I can't wait to be back out in the surf again very soon!

Hanging Ten with Simon Baker | Extra

2009-07-21T20:02:00.001-07:00

Saturday, I surfed again with Life Rolls On, but this time up in Malibu, CA. It was probably one of the best days ever.

Recently, I have started to teach myself how to be mindful of situations I am. I've tried to learn how to enjoy moments as they happen - take in the sights, the sounds, the smells, the people, the conversations. It has totally changed my outlook on so many events in life in a more powerful and dramatic way that intensifies my memories of things.

I had the opportunity to interview with Terri Seymour of Extra! television and CBS's star of "The Mentalist," Simon Baker on Saturday while surfing in Malibu. Both of these two people have such kind hearts and are truly amazing people. Special thanks to Life Rolls On for making yet another great event so successful!

The fabulous Blue Team helped support me in so many ways. Cory Staley, Scott Caan, and Simon Baker were amazing out in the water among all the others there to serve. Their help is what makes first time experiences change people's lives.

I only wiped out twice, but probably caught about 4 waves in the 20 minute allotment. I could have stayed out there forever. I think I'm starting to grow fins, because I'm totally hooked. I'm addicted to the ocean now, and long to be near it every chance I get.

Terri Seymour has the kindest and sweetest spirit. I'm so happy I had the opportunity to meet such a gentle and fun woman. Not to mention she's beautiful, it's truly evident that her heart is that much more beautiful. She works so hard and always has a smile on her face. Such an encouraging woman!

For a more indepth interview by Extra! television, check out the video below. Thanks Extra and Terri!

*some photos courtesy of Kim LaBonte.

Moving On and Up... to Celebrate!

2009-07-16T00:05:00.000-07:00

There is much to celebrate in the week to come! SO MUCH to celebrate! When I look back over the last nine years since Satan tried to take my joy away from me by putting me in a wheelchair, boy was he wrong and unsuccessful!! I admit, he had me for the first few years. But praise the Lord my Jesus pulled me through the fire and rescued me like Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego! (Daniel 3 in the Bible).

As you all are aware, my nine (9) year anniversary since becoming paralyzed is coming up on Wednesday, July 29th. I have so much I want to share with thousands of people of what God has brought me through, challenged me with, and helped me triumph over that I can hardly contain myself these days! God is GOOD, no matter the situation! Even through the pain and tears, He hears you, and He knows that it won't last forever.

As the day approaches, I have so much happening that gets me so excited, especially as I look back to where I was at the beginning of this disability nine years ago. This Saturday, I'll be in Malibu surfing with Life Rolls On again for their 25th Anniversary Celebration. Big things in store that day including filming with a well known actor (whom I can't mention at the moment) for a well known television show (which I can't say). And of course, surfing! It will be my last run before the big event.... the US Open of Surfing!!

I have been asked to surf in the US Ope n of Surfing in Huntington Beach on Sunday, July 26th. I'll be making history as I'll be the first female with a disability to ever surf in the Open! EVER! I am blessed and extremely honored to be given this unique opportunity. I'll be surfing in front of an expected 400,000 people that day. Lots of media, press, and people will be swarming around "Surf City USA" as the top surfers in the world come to compete. And to think I'll be surfing in the same competition as these great athletes blows my mind.

In the next thirteen (13) days, there are several other events that I have going on in between these two surfing events (other than training at the gym every day, not to mention going to work, too) including the 6th Annual "Magic of Mobility" Gala for Free Wheelchair Mission, an Angels Baseball game, Fish Fest 2009, and a trip to Disneyland!

The 29th, however, is a very special day for me. It's my day, and I share it with only one other human being - the person I was in the accident with (who yes, is still alive.) She is the only other person who was there at that moment when it seemed as if the world stopped. Unfortunately, though, that person chooses not to speak to me but on rare occasions and it's only through email. It hurt me for many, many years that she didn't want anything to do with me now that I was paralyzed. At least that was my perception. But, I have learned that life must continue on for me. I cannot put my life on hold waiting for someone else. My wishes and hopes to rekindle what was never

reciprocated became an anchor to me that kept me in the past and made it very difficult to push forward to the future. Now that I have released many of those ropes that I held on to so tightly regarding my past, it's fantastic to see how God has blown open the doors of blessings for me.

There are several things that I do each July 29th that comes, but most are left sacred in a special place in my heart. I like it that way. I hold these "rituals," if you will, close to my soul and don't let people know about what I do and/or why they mean so much to me. I guess it's my way of paying tribute and respect as well as memorializing a day that changed my life forever.

So, in a few days I will be celebrating the last nine (9) years for the first time rather than mourning it. I am a survivor, and even though I may not be walking yet, I have overcome this disability with the help of Jesus and all my faith walkers who have walked right alongside this journey with me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for not abandoning me, giving up on me, or letting me get away with old thoughts/habits. Let the celebration begin!

Deciphering God's Will

2009-07-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

The biggest knife in the heart has happened. For two years, I have been cultivating a relationship with a large local church about the opportunity for them to become a distribution partner of ours and distribute wheelchairs to those with disabilities in Rwanda. It also happens to be my home church here in California. A year and a half later in January 2009, that reality happened! Soon thereafter, we received more than enough funds to order our first container of wheelchairs (550) to send to Rwanda.

At that time, I was asked by my company to lead a trip to Rwanda in July 2009 to help with the distribution process but to also allow others an opportunity to share in the joy of what we do. I had worked hard at setting up multiple meetings, talking with people, and spending many hours after work and on weekends getting trained by the church to be a leader for their mission trips. Due to another big event that our company puts on in July, it was advised that we reschedule the trip to September so I could be at the July event. So, the mission trip was moved to September.

Within a weeks time, all but one of the participants of the trip had something come up in which they were unable to go because of us moving the trip time from July to September.

This week, I was told that I need to once again reschedule my trip to Africa from September to sometime next year so that we can include supporters of our organization as well as have more funds in the bank to pay for my trip.

This really, really breaks my heart, because of the relationship I have established with this partner and the expectations the church and people of Rwanda had for me to be there in September. I got to meet Eric Munyemana of Rwanda while he was her for the Purpose Drive Conference last month, and to hear him talk about how excited he was in his broken English about the wheelchairs coming and my presence brought tears to everyone's eyes. I could see God's will clearly.

The government officials in Rwanda were so excited about me coming to their country to not only be an advocate for those with disabilities, but to also help change the country for the better. They had meetings set up for me to meet with the United Nations Convention to help ratify the Constitution of Rwanda to include laws for people with disabilities, speak at the National Paralytic Convention, have a Press Conference with the Cabinet and Parliament of the country, have a private meeting with the President of Rwanda, meet with the Ministry of Health, teach classes on living an independent lifestyle at the hospitals in the country, meet with each leader from each Providence within the country, and be a part of several radio, television, and newspaper interviews as well as distribute wheelchairs to the disabled poor. But, because these supporters of my organization are unable to go on this mission trip, my company doesn't think it's worth the investment of $4000 to send just me over there by myself.

I'm heartbroken and have cried many tears over this decision for the past few weeks as I have looked forward to this trip since January. I wish I had $4000 to pay for it on my own. I have no doubt that God wants me there to help this country. I have the unique opportunity to help thousands of people with a disability in a developing country have a better life simply by being an advocate for them at the government level! But, I can't get there. It's hard to fight back tears when the sting in your eyes and heart is so painful. I just don't understand my company's decision. They say I could go next year, but who's to say those opportunities with the government will still be there? Who's to say I'll have donors available to go on that trip? Who's to say we'll have enough funds to send me? And the worst part of it all is that my President came down to talk to me two days ago and said, "We really want you to go on a mission trip, Alyson. But, if I had to choose one, it wouldn't be Africa because of your disability." I really do not like when people think they know what's best for me when it comes to my disability. I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "I appreciate your concern about my safety regarding my disability, but I would ask that you would let me be the judge of what I can and can't do when it comes to my disability. I've been in a wheelchair for 9 years. You haven't." I was so, so upset.

So, this week, I've felt very empty, not supported, and not encouraged. I simply can't wrap my heart around the fact that I can't help people even though I want to so bad because someone else thinks they know what's best. There is a Higher calling, and I find it discouraging that in three of the five "Values and Principles" we have as an organization it says "We conduct our mission with integrity and humility. We honor God in all we do, and We value individuals and relationships." There has to be something I'm missing that God will reveal to me later, but I am so certain that this is where God wanted me to be... in Rwanda... making God-sized changes so that people who are getting wheelchairs are able to use them, be independent, and live successful lives. This can't happen unless someone like me comes in and changes the country's perception! Perhaps it still is where I am supposed to be, but a miracle is going to have to happen at this point. A financial miracle and a change of heart miracle.

I know you don't know where you stand in your relationship with God, but please pray for me. This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make... sacrificing my own desires for that of my company's. Having to be honoring to my employer while feeling like I'm letting God down. My heart has never had to struggle like this before, and I don't think anyone else is seeing what I see through God's eyes.

If you feel led and are interested in making a significant financial contribution to help get me to Rwanda, please contact me on my website. Since the trip leaves September 4th, the miracle has to happen soon.

Thank you for your prayers,

Alyson

Michael Jackson Memorial Service

2009-07-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

Here is the email I received last evening (click on the picture for a better view). Sadly, I did not get chosen to attend the Memorial Service being held at the Staples Center tomorrow morning for Michael Jackson. I was one of the first to apply online since I was home when the first announcement came flashing across the television screen announcing information about applying for tickets. I applied with three different email addresses, too.

Alas, I will be watching it from home. I guess that's better anyway, but I was willing to fight the traffic and people. No matter what anyone says, Michael Jackson was an amazing entertainer, artist, song writer, and singer. I remember my first album being "Thriller".... on a record! I would make up dance routines in my basement as a little girl to songs like "Beat It" and "Billy Jean." I still remember some of them to this day! Losing Michael Jackson is like losing a big part of my childhood. I grew up with his music and can mark time periods in my life by his songs.

Perhaps this man was very misunderstood (or not) during his lifetime, but he certainly helped pave the way for many artists in the music industry today. He allowed African American's to be in homes across America through television, magazines, and music. He alone did this despite ridicule, persecution, speculation, and criticism. It's a reminder to us all that we have a choice to leave a legacy when we pass away.

How will people remember you?

"I Run To You"

2009-06-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this song on YouTube while looking for information on a rehab facility called "Project Walk" in Carlsbad, CA that I'm interested in one day soon becoming a part of. (Finances are stopping me at the moment as it's rather expensive. But, the things they are doing to help make people with spinal cord injuries walk again are amazing! I hope I can get there soon.)

This song is powerful. I could have easily uttered the same words in this song when I first got hurt almost 9 years ago. I'm thankful that I've had Jesus to walk beside me through all the hurts, pains, and tears in life as I struggled with this unwanted disability, not knowing why Jesus allowed it to happen.

"I Run To You" by Take No Glory. Come to find out, they are located right in my backyard of where I live. I'll have to check out which church they worship at. I've never heard of these guys until now, but I love the simplicity of the song yet how movingly powerful it is. You can visit their website and download their cd for free. Yes, FREE!

Thank you, Lord, for sprinkling a little bit of You down from Heaven exactly when we need it here on earth.

Feeling Defeated... Again

2009-06-17T19:56:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like there is no one around you who you can talk to? No one who will just listen? Only people who try to understand but really just wants to give their input or suggestions first? Do you ever long for someone to talk to who just "gets it"? I go through phases like this in my life, and I'm back to that mentality again of not trusting anyone. It seems like just when I get comfortable with someone and allow myself to become vulnerable is when they say something that is off the mark to make me crawl back into my shell. How many times does one allow herself to get punched before you finally just move out of the way?

Within weeks after my accident, the rehab facility I went to assigned people to various classes to learn how to cope with your disability. There were classes like bladder and bowel management, sexuality issues, and eating/exercise suggestions. I also remember there being a class on assertiveness. In that class, it taught us how to stick up for ourselves and our needs without feeling like we are a hinderance to an unaccessible world - both physically and mentally. I quickly began using the skills I learned when dealing with many situations so that I was not only teaching people about my needs and abilities/limitations, but also teaching them what my rights and value as a human being were - despite (and because of) the fact I had a disability. I felt empowered when I was assertive, but at the same time, I felt like I was becoming that "angry, bitter woman" who saw life as the glass half empty.

During this time, I learned that the world is not a kind place. People don't want to hear about your "disabled life." They pretend that they are listening, but they really don't care. And, they assume they know what's best for you based on what little information they know about you. So, instead of being assertive, I learned to just "go with the flow" and not make waves. I learned to just let them think what they did and not care about teaching them right from wrong. It was easier. It was easier for me to try to adapt to the rest of the world than to try to convince the whole world to try to make adaptations for me. After all, how many times do you hit your head against a brick wall before you realize you're bleeding all over the place and the wall isn't going to move?

I've always been a trail-blazer in my life. And oftentimes not by choice. Honestly, it's not always the most fun place to be. I feel like I'm always on the front-lines so that other people can have an easier life. There are some days I wish that my life were easier. It seems as if I never have any downtime or relief from this busy life, then add on top of that the fact I'm disabled. There is so much more to do each day in my life than the average able-bodied person has to do just to live. That's not an excuse. It's reality. So why do I feel like my effort still isn't good enough even though I'm pedaling twice as hard just to keep up? And when "accommodations" are made for me, it appears as if I'm slacking or lazy to everyone else.

Once again, I've tried opening myself up to the realities of life with a disability to outsiders, and it has caused me to once again to decide to walk that fine line of being respectfully assertive or to just give in to what they think is "best". I'm about to just say "enough is enough" and give in. I've worked beyond exhaustion, and it still doesn't seem like it's good enough. I'm not superwoman. I can't do it all. But because I have a disability, I feel as if I have to prove to everyone that I can do it all. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

My honesty right now is just that.... honesty. I'm not saying this is what the Lord wants me to do, but it's what I humanly feel right now. Depleted. Exhausted. Broken-hearted. Disappointed. And defeated.

The Cost of Trying to Help Africa

2009-05-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling right now with the hinderances this disability creates in my life. Each day, there are things that drive me nuts that I wish I didn't have to deal with now simply because I use a wheelchair. Most recently is the trip I'm planning to take to Rwanda to help deliver wheelchairs to those in need. If you've watched the movie, "Hotel Rwanda" or know about the terrible genocide that occurred there years ago, then you know of the devastating effect it had not only on the country, but the entire world. Slowly, they are rebuilding. However, there is still so many people still effected by the war. Namely, many were left disabled.

Rwanda is supposedly a very hilly country with no disability access at all. In fact, it's named, "The land of a thousand hills." The government is just getting around to creating laws for those who are disabled, however the majority of the country is still not "wheelchair friendly"... yet. I just got off the phone with the director whom I've been reporting to at church, and I asked him to be straight-forward and realistic about what I'll be encountering. Basically, I'm going to need to hire help 100% of the time to help me get anywhere. I will not be able to be independent at all. This makes my heart sink and tears well up in my eyes because I am so determined to help those in Rwanda get wheelchairs. I really want to be an encouragement to those receiving a wheelchair for the first time, facilitate training on how to use a wheelchair, and have the opportunity to speak to the government officials about the need for a more inclusive plan within the community for those with disabilities. After all, if we're going to be giving 550 wheelchairs to people for free, they need to be able to use them freely within their community.

I don't want people having to wait on me to get up a hill or have help up stairs or lift me into narrow quarters thus hindering their experience. I never want someone else to miss out on opportunities simply because I'm disadvantaged and need "extra help." Times like right now is when I HATE being disabled. I hate having to use this wheelchair at times. It's so frustrating to have the mental capacity and passion to want to do something so bad, yet the physical body keeps me hindered. I want to share Jesus with the people of Rwanda through them getting a wheelchair! So, why is it so hard for me to get there to them? What is the cost of trying to help someone?

At this point, I don't know that I'll be able to travel to Rwanda. I basically need two "personal attendants" whose sole responsibility would be to help lift me and carry me wherever I needed to go. Not the ideal 2 weeks off of work to spend in Africa for $3800. But, if there's anyone out there who would either be willing to pay for me to take two people or if you yourself would be willing to go, please let me know. I'd prefer that I know you or know someone who knows you if you're personally going to be going with me. Otherwise, personally funding two attendants would be a tremendous blessing to help carry out God's work in Rwanda. I truly believe that I am a necessary part to the big picture in Rwanda.

I know that nothing stops God's will from taking place in life. If it is His will for me to travel to Rwanda in September, He'll work out all the details. I do not want to force my own desires onto a plan that may not be for me to be a part of. But, it still doesn't make sitting in this wheelchair any easier. Most of the time, I look through the eyes of the "glass half full."

Times like this make me see it so very empty...

I pray first for my own faith, and second, for others to be sensitive to this request and respond as the Lord leads you, whether through prayer or by personally or financially contributing to this need. Thank you for hearing my heart.

Overwhelmed with Blessings

2009-05-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

I was asked today by my boss if I was praying dangerously. I casually laughed, because I have been for so long. I've prayed that God would begin to turn things around for me in ways that were only explainable as Him doing the work through me. Sadly, I don't know that my entire spirit believed that it would actually become what it is today.

Never in a million years did I ever expect my life to be so blessed. I mean, I knew God had the capacity, but didn't really think that where I am now was ever in the cards. My dreams and expectations have all been exceeded in dramatic ways! The windows of heaven have opened up and are pouring over me so fast I feel as if I'm drowning! I don't feel as if I'm ready for the assignment at task. I don't feel competent enough, strong enough, or able enough to take on the blessings He's bestowed onto me. During my season of sowing through prayer, I was challenged in many ways to ask and seek. I was challenged to think beyond what my human mind could dream as possible and to expect the Lord to hear me in my time of desperation. To my surprise, the Lord has given me more than I prayed for! Abundance! Praise the Lord for abundance because my "storage house" is overflowing! But with sudden abundance comes a sense of feeling very overwhelmed.

I have felt very selfish for rejoicing during this time of my life. In fact, I have minimized and downplayed a lot of what's happened as to not draw a lot of attention to myself fearing that others would think I was boasting. Over the past month, I've really struggled with being publicly ok to celebrate the blessings in my life. I've been quiet about it, and I've kept things hush-hush among different circles. I was reminded with a swift "kick in the rear" by my mentor that God never intends for us to be quiet about the things He is doing!! It is perfectly ok for me to boast about the Lord and the great things He has done! I was also reminded of my co-dependency tendency to "not be happy unless you're happy" mentality. In all truthfulness, that mentality doesn't allow God to move in ways only He is able because I'm still trying to go back to where I once was. Not good!

It's a new season of change for me and my role as a daughter of the King. I've never been challenged in this capacity to "pray dangerously" and to be ready for the results while "living joyfully" - during both the good and the bad times. So with boldness and thanksgiving to my King I shout "YES, I am a daughter of a King most High and praise Him joyfully for his blessings in my life!" May I not ever be ashamed of the One who brought me through my trials and into the land of Victory!

The Hand of God, The Feet of Jesus

2009-04-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

I'm always inspired and encouraged to be in the presence of people whose life I can clearly see the hand of God over. It's my belief that God's hand is easily seen with the human eye when the individual has fully submitted - out of obedience - to the will of God. It is these people to whom I want to draw nearer to.

I had the blessed privilege of meeting an amazing man of God this weekend while in Atlanta, GA. He is an anointed worship leader, a counselor, a pastor, a healer, a visionary, a son, and a friend among so much more. His faith in the Lord, his escape from the enemy on multiple occasions, and his desire to live a selfless yet focused life deserves a standing ovation at the least. Addison Baker has a gentleness about him, yet has the power of a thousand men to engage in spiritual battle if necessary. He clearly puts on the armour of God every day and speaks in truth and love with every conversation (not to mention has a voice from heaven).

I remember when I first became paralyzed, I heard Louie Giglio speak a sermon at Northpoint Church in Alpharetta, GA in reference to Mark 2. In this chapter, Jesus had arrived in the city of Capernaum where people gathered in a local home to hear him speak the word. A group of men brought their friend, who was paralyzed, to hear Jesus speak, but so many people were in attendance that there was no room left in the room or even outside the door! They concocted a brilliant plan and hoisted him up to the top of the home, dug a hole through the roof, and lowered him down to see Jesus. What a sight that must have been! You see, this man wasn't going to Jesus to be healed, but rather, he simply wanted to be at the feet of Jesus to soak in advice, encouragement, and direction. I remember to this day how powerful that story was in my life at just 3 weeks post injury. I remember thinking "if I could only get to the point where I wasn't going to Jesus with expectations or requests to heal my body and make me walk again, but rather I could get to the point where I went to Him simply because I wanted to be closer to Him just because." Jesus took the opportunity to teach a lesson to a few skeptics in the home where they were gathered, and soon afterwards He did in fact heal the paralyzed man. All glory was given to God after witnessing this miracle!

After reflecting on my time in Atlanta, I believe that Mr. Baker's motivation of life is truly driven by the simple fact that he yearns for the sole opportunity to be closer to Jesus, no matter what the cost. There's no "if you do this, God, I'll do that" or "if I do this for you, you better do that for me" with him. After only a few minutes with this man, it's clear to see the hand of God all over his life.

My desire is that my life will also clearly reflect God's hand, provision, and grace as He has in Mr. Baker's life, no matter whether God decides to make me walk again or not. Sitting at the feet of Jesus is my greatest desire.

For more information on Addison Baker or to schedule an appearance, please visit his website at www.addisonbaker.com.

Photo Shoot for Title

2009-04-13T22:07:00.000-07:00

I took my headshot pictures this past weekend with a great photographer at Silverline Photography named Victor Carreon. Take a look below! I'm still waiting on the rest of them to get uploaded to the site, and once I can see them all, I will be choosing a few to reproduce for signings.

I am very proud to represent those with disabilities in the state of California and help bring issues such as inclusion and access into public view. As you can imagine, there are many costs that go with this responsibility including travel expenses, fees, and registration costs (both for the national competition and my spot on the Rose Parade float.) If you would like to help support the work I'm doing around the state of California, please consider making a monetary donation to the Ms. Wheelchair California organization. For more information on where to direct your support, please click here.

2009 Ms. Wheelchair California

2009-04-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was crowned the 2009 Ms. Wheelchair California up in Sacramento at the State Capitol! I am so excited about this opportunity to bring awareness to those with disabilities and to educate the public on the importance of inclusion and equal rights for everyone. It's going to be a great year!

You can follow my journey as Ms. Wheelchair California in the year to come by going to the Ms. Wheelchair California blog. I'll continue to keep this one updated, too. There are lots of fun pictures on the site, so be sure to check it out! I will be heading to South Dakota at the end of August to compete at the national level!

Also, check out a video of the crowning which made the evening news in Sacramento by clicking here. Be sure to turn up your speakers! :)

The Price Is Right!

2009-04-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

On Monday, I took the day off of work to entertain out of town guests. One of the things they wanted to do while visiting was to attend a taping of the “Price Is Right” in Los Angeles. After hours of standing in line, we finally made it inside the studio and taping had begun.

I went into the taping convinced that there was no way they’d call someone to Contestant’s Row in a wheelchair. I have been watching the show for many years and have never seen them call someone in a wheelchair. Most people don't want to deal with the logistics and to make sure we are accommodated for, even though it may be something easy and simple. After all, I was just one person out of the crowd of 320 people that they had to worry about that day. Sadly, I feel like I miss out on a lot of opportunities because others don't want to be "bothered."

I was unbelievably shocked that I actually heard them say, “Alyson Roth, come on down! You’re the next contestant on the Price Is Right!” Never in a million years would I have ever guessed they would allow me to participate in the fun along with everyone else that walked into the studio that day.

During the commercial breaks, Drew Carey (the host) asked me where I was from and what I did for a living. I told him all about Free Wheelchair Mission and how we help give wheelchairs to those in developing countries who have no other way to get around. The audience started chanting, "Give her the money!" You see, if a contestant bids the exact amount of the prize they are bidding on, they win $500 cash in addition to winning the prize. Well, hardly anyone gets that, so the audience was yelling for Drew to give it to me! And he did! The only thing he asked was that I give it to Free Wheelchair Mission to use to purchase wheelchairs! Thank you CBS Entertainment and the “Price Is Right” for giving the gift of mobility to 10 people around the world!

The taping of the show will air on Monday, April 13th on CBS. Check your local listings for times. (And don't mind my shocked look when I get called! LOL!)

UPDATE: Click here to check out the show! I am shown at 20 minutes, 40 seconds, so scroll ahead if you don't want to watch all of it!

Only You Can Be You

2009-03-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

I am blessed and amazed at how God works in my life. Almost nine years ago, I was devastated by this turn in my life as I tried to navigate my day in wheelchair as opposed to walking. I was faced with challenges of inadequacies, negative self-talk, and loneliness. I had no idea why God had caused this accident and left me this way. Nine years later, I'm blown away at where God has brought me and the ways He uses me and the pains in my life for good.

About a month ago, I was introduced to one of our pastors at Saddleback Church, Erik Rees (left in picture above). After hearing my story regarding my accident and how it eventually brought me to Free Wheelchair Mission, he swiftly asked for the opportunity to capture it on film for his new book coming out in July called, "Only You Can Be You." In his book, there are three main points: Surrender, Stewardship, and Serving Others. I was blessed by the opportunity this week to share my story with him and have it captured on film by producer, Ted Parker (right in picture above). I had the best time with these two men! Both are such good, down to earth people which made the experience that much easier to open up in. God's provision and plan for my life continues to blow me away. I'm thankful that God has blessed me with the gift of speaking with such ease. I don't take for granted that that gift isn't given to everyone. It charges me up and energizes me in a way like nothing else can! I love the adreneline it creates, the freedom it releases in other people, and the connection that I make with God each and everytime as I am reminded of his provision and grace in my life. I pray that God continues to open doors to allow me to use my gifts and talents to better His Kingdom.

Thanks Erik and Ted for such a fun day! I know this is just the beginning to a long friendship and partnership. I look forward to many more events and opportunities to work together in the near future!

(To read more about Erik Rees and his upcoming book, "Only You Can Be You," please go to Erik's website at www.erikrees.com.)

What Would You Do With $50?

2009-03-21T12:06:00.001-07:00

(Narration done by actor Jim Carrey)

For only $51.29, you can help give the gift of mobilty and change someone's life forever. I know what it means to need a wheelchair. Please don't let someone in a developing country have to go without the feeling of hope, confidence, and that Jesus loves them simply because they can't afford to have a wheelchair.

In this hard economic time, it's important that our money gets the most value out of it. Watch this video and then tell me, do you still see a plastic white chair? How much is it worth to you to see the smile on a child's face?

This is why I love my job!

To make a donation, please visit Free Wheelchair Mission. $51.29... simple and affordable.

Prayer Request

2009-03-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I'm asking for prayers in the next two weeks. I have many big things happening in my life both professionally and personally that are great things, but I'm having a hard time finding time to do it all and sleep, too! :) Please remember me in your prayers and pray that God would give me the strength, stamina, and focus to complete everything and be prepared for each. I will update everything after it is all over!! Thank you for surrounding me with angels!

From A Distance

2009-03-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

*Note: Picture above is of my car accident in July 2000. *

"There's always someone worse off than you." Those words ring in my ears from childhood, having heard my mom say it more times than not. As a teenager, I always thought my family was the worst on the block, that my parents didn't allow me to do anything, and that I was living a life as close to the bottom of the barrel as it gets. I know now that that thinking was not accurate. But, in my finite mind of "teenager-hood," it was all I knew.

I don't often get the opportunity to say those words to myself now because typically, I'm "worse" than the average American. It takes me longer to do everything from getting ready in the morning, to going to the bathroom, to getting in a car, to carrying groceries in the house. A bad day for me is when it rains and I can't carry an umbrella. When my wheelchair pushes away from me after transferring out of it (meaning I can't reach it to get back in it). When my bladder doesn't hold. When my spasms are so bad they knock me out of my chair. When I can't reach the baking powder that's on the tallest shelf in the grocery store.

But tonight, I met someone to whose words I spoke felt empty to me and where my bad days seemed rather, well, good. Through conversation at a class I'm taking at church, I met a woman named Elizabeth who in December 2007 lost her daughter, Yesenia, in a car accident very similar to mine. Yesenia was only 4 days shy of her 27th birthday. It's only been 15 months for her since her daughter tragically passed away, and for once I felt helpless, without the appropriate words to express my sympathy. "I'm so sorry" didn't seem to match the grief she is surely facing. I felt guilty sitting in front of her in my wheelchair, sharing with her my story and it's similarities with that of her daughter. However, the ending was obviously different. And although it doesn't make her grief go away, I sadly know there is someone out there "worse" than her.

Grief, pain, and sorrow all have the same feeling of loneliness and helplessness, no matter what the manifestation it takes. Over the 9 years I've been paralyzed, I have experienced various forms at various times. Although the outbursts are few and far between now as I have dealt with the majority of the issues, there are still times the devil tries to pry his way into my happiness. But, the pain of losing a loved one, having to ID her body in the morgue, having to lay her body to rest? That grief I do not know. It is unbearable for me to think of, and frankly pathetic for me to try to compare my grief to that of this mothers grief.

Bette Midler sung a song that became popular in 1990 called "From A Distance." In it, it speaks of a life full of peace, happiness, and love.

From a distance the world looks blue and green,

and the snow-capped mountains white.

From a distance the ocean meets the stream,

and the eagle takes to flight.

From a distance, there is harmony,

and it echoes through the land.

It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace,

it's the voice of every man.

From a distance we all have enough,

and no one is in need.

And there are no guns, no bombs,

and no disease,no hungry mouths to feed.

From a distance we are instruments

marching in a common band.

Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace.

They're the songs of every man.

God is watching us. God is watching us.

God is watching us from a distance.

From a distance you look like my friend,

even though we are at war.

From a distance I just cannot comprehend

what all this fighting is for.

From a distance there is harmony,

and it echoes through the land.

And it's the hope of hopes,

it's the love of loves,

it's the heart of every man.

From a distance, you would think the woman I met tonight was just like any average American woman. Working hard, tending to her husband and family, and doing the best she could to make her dreams come true. However, when we take a moment to take a deeper look, a closer look (as opposed to one "from a distance"), we see that she is a woman who has endured much heartache and pain. She is now a mother without her daughter, and a heart that seems no longer whole.

May we all take a moment each day to give grace to people and look a little deeper into their lives to see what lies beneath their water-filled eyes. "There's always someone worse off than you," as my mother would say. But may we never wish to love people... from a distance.

You can read more about Yesenia and her beautiful passion for life by going to Yesenia's Humanitarian Foundation.