Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Birthday Woes

I'm feeling quite alone.  This is not how I envision birthday's, but is this how it gets as the years get stacked on?  I'm such a birthday/anniversary/milestone celebration person because it's so important to me to honor someone in that capacity.  I don't like when people just want to "pass over their birthday" or "not make a big deal about having a baby."  Um, hello?!  These are huge things!

For six years, I dated someone who was not a celebration of anything type of person.  So when my birthday rolled around (or Christmas, or our anniversary, or his birthday), it felt as if he was doing things out of obligation but with no heart behind it.  I had to become my own cheerleader.

Then there was the year that I was in a car accident that totaled my car and left me with a severe concussion two days before my birthday.  So I spent that birthday on the couch - alone - because the guy I thought I was dating decided to ditch me with no explanation and didn't care to check on me if I was even alive.  Heaven forbid he call to wish me a happy birthday.

And so comes another birthday for me, another year added to the books.  How do I get to celebrate this year?  With a broken leg!  Lucky me.  I'm really trying hard to shake this negativity off because I know it's of the devil.  But I can't help but ask, "Why?"  I know I'll get a lot of people wishing me a Happy Birthday on Facebook tomorrow, but I know that 3/4th's of them are because they saw my name pop up on the side triggering a response.  I know they all mean well.  But it's not the same when I used to look forward to receiving cards in the mailbox.  I am so old-fashioned like that and love handwritten letters/cards.

I have been searching for stationary forever, it seems.  I cannot find anyone who sells stationary anymore!  What happened to writing letters??  Have we really become so advanced as people that we simply write an email, send a text, or write a Facebook message instead of taking the time to write?  Do you know how much more personal it is to receive a handwritten letter?  Someone not only had to take time out of their day, but their unique penmanship has been scripted across the paper in ways only that person can do.

And it doesn't help being alone, though I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.  It's just that times like this make me yearn even harder for my husband, for someone who gets me, who loves me unconditionally, who doesn't do things out of obligation but out of love, who I can do life with, laugh with, and share memories with.  And its not just that hard yearn for my husband, but for family and friends who seem to have casted me out or forgotten about me.  Gosh, I try so hard to remember people, make them feel special and wanted, love them in the best way I know how, encourage them when they are down or going through a hard time, or simply be a listening ear to talk to because they know I can keep that secret.

Then again, all of this could be because of that lovely gift I received to remind me that I am, indeed, a woman.

I'd like to say I'm doing something fabulous to celebrate and celebrating with fabulous people.  You know, I've never had a surprise party?  I've always wanted one, but you can't plan your own surprise party!  I hint each year to people about this fact, but in the end, the surprise is on me when nothing happens.  I don't think I like this "getting older" thing.

Well, anyway, happy birthday to me, even if I'm the only one who truly means it and celebrates on my own.  I'm proud of what I've accomplished and who I've become since I was born.  No, I'm not where I want to be in life right now, but when the time is right, I will be.  Until then, I just keep praying.