Sunday, June 22, 2014

1:05AM




I'm a night owl.  Always have been.  I can be a morning person if I have to be, but it's not something that comes natural to me.  For some reason I have this fear of missing out on something (like there's anything good happening at night haha!)  But I remember even as a little girl staying up way past my bedtime finishing a book, even though I had 10 chapters left!  For me, night time is when there's nothing else to do but be with your own thoughts.  It's my favorite time - from dusk until dawn!  (Ok, maybe not that long.)

Nighttime also used to be a scary place for me.  When I first became injured and was in the rehab hospital, there was a lot going on and things to do during the day - physical therapy, occupational therapy, recreational therapy, driving skills, classes, etc, etc.  But once dinnertime hit and the darkness started seeping through the windows, it became a very lonely and scary place for me.  Again, I was alone with my own thoughts, but those thoughts were not ones I wanted to be with because they were those of fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of what the future would be like.  Fear that it will never be the same again.  Fear that I had lost everything.

I still fear the unknown which causes worry.  The best boss I ever had who is now a dear friend and mentor is Stuart Nichols.  He "got" me.  We had similar pasts/upbringings, both raised in the South, and he had a way of truly listening rather than just hearing.  He understood that I couldn't be told a bunch of things I needed to work on without helping me with ways to accomplish those goals.  And not only did he challenge me, but he walked with me through them keeping me accountable.  He knew how to separate being a boss and being a redneck haha.  (Ok, so sometimes the two went hand in hand haha! Just kidding, Stuart!)  But truly, that man allowed me to be me in front of him.  I cried, laughed, got angry, challenged him on issues, looked at him crazy when he tried to make a joke, knew I'd be a tad bit late to work but knew I made it up at the end of the day or weekends, understood when I lashed out quickly at something or quickly became in tolerate of others' behaviors.  He let me be me, yet at the same time gently nudged me to be a better me.  He continues to show me what a Christian man is like and is open and honest about his shortcomings.  I've learned so much from him. One thing he always tells me is to not fear or worry as the Bible tells us not to worry about the future, but it does not tell us that we can't plan for it (understanding that our plans may change according to God's will for our lives and our own free will.)  So, though it may be 1:05am and I have a sense of fear of the unknown and worry in my spirit, I am also taking steps to make plans so that I feel somewhat in control of where I want my life to be directed.

I've said it before.  I sometimes wish that God just had a telephone number.  Or a Skype name.  Or heck, even a Facebook page!  Ha!  When I need answers and I've been praying through things for days/weeks/months/years, sometimes I just want to call Him up and be like, "Look, God.  What do you want me to do?  I'm willing to do it, but just tell me!"  I've received many confirmations about my immediate future, but it's the long term part that I still struggle with in life.  And even then, things that I think I have a plan for could go askew.  So, these plans are laid down in pencil (or maybe erasable pan haha), but after a certain point, I've come to a standstill as to what to do next.  So, I let it marinate for now and know that just like a piece of meat - the longer you let it marinate, the more tender it becomes.  And so, I pray.  I continue to pray specifically for the answers to the questions I have.

Yes, this blog is obscure, and I primarily only write them for me so I can get my thoughts down somewhere else than in my head.  (Boy, if what's in my head could be easily put down in writing, you'd be reading for days!)  This past year has been the year entitled my "character building" year.  I had many ups and many downs.  My heart has potentially been forever jaded from the hurt I experienced.  Deep, painful hurt with no answers.  Like the scars on my body, there is a deep scar on my heart.  But I refuse to let anyone steal my joy!  So, even if its just smiling at someone at the grocery store or allowing someone to turn in front of me when driving - even if that's all the joy I can bring to the table that day, I do it.  I battle my human side with my Christian side all the time now with this particular issue because just as Paul said, "For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:13-20).

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  And so I lean on that knowing that it will all work out with a little bit of my effort and a whole lot of trusting God, for the Bible says,  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understandings but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."  Proverbs. 3:5-6.  It's you and me, God!





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