Sunday, January 19, 2014

The Adventure Called Life

I don't outwardly like to complain (usually I just do it in my head lol), but it's just been one heck of past 6-8 weeks or so.  If something is going to happen, it's going to happen to me.  Guaranteed.

So as I've been learning how to be "Lumber Jane" up here in the woods, I'm constantly hauling in wood from outside, making fires in the wood stove, stoking the fire, rinse and repeat.  About a week before Christmas, the handle on the front lid to the wood stove touched the top of my right leg without me knowing as it was very brief.  I was just opening the stove to make sure the fire was still going well.

My luck as I close the lid, I notice a big, red blister starting.  Phenomenal.  I hate burns because they take sooooo looooong for them to heal if it's below my level of injury.  I'll spare you the pictures of the worst burn I've ever had, but I had 2nd and 3rd degree burns in 2004 in my inner thighs from hot water being spilled into my lap while in Nicaragua.  It took between 6-8 months for the wound to completely close and then about 2 more years after that where I had to be super protective of that area, especially in the sun.  Needless to say, I'm a semi-pro at wound care.  Thankfully with this wood stove burn it's not summer time and it should heal before then, but I'll have to be extra careful with that area since it will constantly be exposed to the sun.

I took care of the burn for about two weeks before I noticed it started to take a turn for the worse.  I went to the town nurse practitioner (who I had to tell what needed to be done - frustrating), but after a month, I decided it was time to go to the big city to see an actual Wound/Burn Specialist.  He was very impressed with how well it had been taken care of for the past month (patting myself on the back), but it was definitely a deep second degree burn and would need constant attention.

There are so many annoyances with this problem.  First, just the main fact that it happened and knowing what to expect after my burn experience in 2004.  Second, I have to stay on top of this or else it can take a bad turn for the worse.  So basically, there's no slacking on changing the bandage every day, no matter how tired or lazy I am.  Third, this daily activity is a nuisance.  The thorn in my side.  Fourth, I hate having to pay a copay every week just to go see the doctor for the same burn, only for him to basically tell me "you're doing great, things look good, keep doing what you're doing."  Awesome.  There goes another $30 down the drain not to mention the 100 mile round trip adventure to the city plus the cost of gas.  And lastly at the end of all this, I'll have a scar to remember my experience here in the woods.  I have so many "battle wounds" on my body and have a story behind each one.

I'm over dealing with this burn.  And really, it's not just this burn, but it's probably the "straw that broke the camel's back."  I've had a few disappointments in life recently.  Empty promises, people taking advantage of my niceness, my honesty being enjoyed but used, and questions that haven't received answers yet.  I finally broke down in tears Thursday night in the Target parking lot with all the weight that's been on my shoulders in various ways.  To top it off, I was really looking forward to seeing someone who I met back in November - just enjoying their company because I felt like this person was one of the first real people I've met in awhile.  But work called for a cancellation - which naturally bummed me out - and again, it was kind of the "straw the broke the camel's back."  After all I've dealt with in the last few weeks, I was really looking forward to a retreat, so to speak, and just hanging out with a normal person.  :)  A girlfriend of mine had texted me if I was still having company this weekend, and I did a screen shot of our convo and from what I thought, texted it to her. But oh no, that's not what happened.  Of course I text it to this person instead.  I swear.  I'm probably coming off as a horrible person, but after the day I had had, not to mention the other things I'm not blogging about, it was what made me just release everything in a flood of tears when I received a text back with a "?" from this person.  Awesome.  I just made a complete fool of myself when I was really anticipating a great weekend.  I'm sure that friendship is over now.  I'll probably never hear back due to my negligence.  Guess I can't win them all.

Oh, and did I mention that I got pepper sprayed two nights ago?  Yeah, that's an experience that I never thought I'd add to my bucket list.  If it's not one thing, it's another.  (And that stuff means business!!  It was a horrible experience!  No, it had nothing to do with the law or me getting arrested lol.)

A good friend said that my life would make a good reality show.  Ha!  I'm not sure if it would be entertaining in a "Ooo, can't wait to see what happens in the next episode," reaction or one that's like, "Ooo, I wonder why this is still on tv" reaction where you don't want to watch it but you can't help watching it because it's so dumb.  You know the types of shows that are like that.

Life.  It's an adventure.  I wish mine was more exciting, but apparently to some it's pretty amazing.  But I tell you, this day to day grind of life itself and then add the things that paraplegia brings... and now a second degree burn...  sigh....  I'd like to be given a break so I can laugh again.

I apologize for the not so awesome blog.  But sometimes, life is what it is.  It's not always joyful and happy and positive.  I recognize that I do have a great life and am blessed to have the opportunities that I have, but some days, I wish I could teleport myself somewhere else just for a brief reprieve.  I'm thankful for the friends I have that allow me to be me and help me to separate myself from reality at times.  Life is full of curve balls.  You just have to learn how to catch them.  (Or in my case, learn how to build a fire in a wood stove without being burned.)

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Thursday, January 2, 2014

Hello 2014, and Hello Life!

I was challenged last week to write a list of "What I Want In Life" rather than just "What I Want in a Husband." I just finished it, and it was probably one of the best things I've ever done for myself. 

It made me focus on life as a whole, not just a man/husband. It helped me focus on me and not feel codependent. It took the power away from the feeling of "needing a man" to complete my life to empowering me to choose what I want my life to be and embrace more opportunities - starting now.

I'm proud of not just who I am, but that I want to strive to continue to be a better person. I've accomplished so much, had many dreams come true, and yet I still find that there are things I have yet to do. How can that be? I've been so blessed already. 

I have a feeling that 2014 will be a year where all things come together and that I actually find my purpose and place in this world, become a solid rock, and acquire those things which may seem out of reach right now but are, in reality, certainly within my grasp. And with that, hopefully a few more things will be checked off the bucket list, too.  

I want to be a Light for this world and a Light for myself, appreciating each day, and not worry about tomorrow or those things I cannot control. Peace within my heart, love towards myself and others, and lavish joy that flows freely from my soul.  That's what 2014 will be for me.  I hope you find all that you want in life, too, not just one thing in particular (even if it is your hearts desire.)