Friday, December 6, 2013

Alone and Homeless

I have three blogs that I need to finish writing and post, but I needed to write this out for my own benefit.  I'm not looking for sympathy or pity or even for someone to understand, but I just need to write out my feelings.

I don't feel like I have a sense of "home" anymore.  I've lived in California 8 years.  You'd think this would be home, but it's not. I've moved almost every year to a new place within those 8 years - whether it be to another apartment complex, house, or city.  I was once okay with it as I was still enjoying the mirage of exploring California.  But about a year ago (literally), I started praying to God that wherever I move next, wherever he has me move to for whatever reason, that it would be "home" as I was tired of moving so many times and wanted to set roots somewhere for awhile.  One thing led to another, and I thought my prayer had been answered in more ways than one when I moved to northern California.  But after signing a contract on a house, packing boxes (again), loading up a U-Haul (again), having my Dad fly out here to help me move and unload things - after all of that, I was hit with an unexpected blow that this may not be my home after all.  The answer to that prayer and one other huge one had, from what I thought, been finally answered, and I couldn't have been more happier.  And now, 8 months later, I'm left wondering where I belong.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love where I live.  I love that I've accomplished more dreams and accomplishments here than in any other city, and I've been able to establish myself somewhat in the community.  But at the end of the day when I'm in bed, I realize that my prayer(s) weren't really answered.  I don't know where "home" is.  Home is not Atlanta anymore, even though that's where my immediate family lives.  I feel a bit like a nomad, only with a bunch of boxes.  

About a month ago, I met a young lady and felt like a good friendship would blossom by our similarities, sense of adventure, the outdoors, and humanity, among other things.  She is single and around my age, and I finally felt like I would have another person to call up and hang out with.  But she's leaving on Sunday to live in Maui for a few months with her boyfriend.  I feel sad because someone who I was developing a friendship with is now moving far away.  I'm not at all resentful of the fact that she's moving, but I do miss the fact that I won't have the same opportunity to get to know her as well as I'd like if she were here rather than over the internet or phone.  And that's not at all to say that our friendship won't continue.  I hope it does!  But long distance anything is hard - relationship or friendship.  It takes both people to make it work.  She was born and raised here, and all her family is here.  Her dad told me, "Don't worry.  She'll be back.  This is her home."  I realized then at that moment that I don't have that.  I don't know where home is anymore.  I don't know where I'd come back to if I were to go away for a few months.  I thought my roots were going to grow deep here in Northern California, but as for now, that isn't and may not be the case - even as much as I long for it to be right now.  

I guess I'm questioning God again.  Why tell me with unshaken certainty that my prayers were answered only for them to literally vanish?  I was the happiest, most joyful, excited, and undoubtedly certain about this move more than I've ever felt about anything.  Now, I suddenly feel like a pine tree in a hurricane.  Their roots aren't very deep, and when a storm comes, it's easy for them to be uprooted, no matter how big of a tree it is.  I want to be an oak tree, not a pine tree.  I haven't ever been more certain about anything in my life than I did about moving here.  And after that one statement of "Don't worry.  She'll be back.  This is her home." - it hit me that this isn't the home I thought it was supposed to be.  I want it to be.  It was supposed to be.  But living in the mountains comes at a price, and that price is not having a large selection of potential suitors to choose from.  Yes, I want to be married.  Come home to a family.  Care for my husband.  Share life with my best friend.  I just don't think the odds of that happening are tipping in my favor - or any single woman's favor, for that matter.  Not with the quality of man that I desire.  I'm not doubting that God can provide those desires for me anywhere, no matter where I live.  But I'm just being realistic.  And the longer I live here, the more I enjoy living here and dread going to the city.  Such a huge change from Southern California!  But I don't want to be alone, and I guess that's how I feel right now.  Alone and homeless.  (Even though I have a place to live.)

Ultimately, my home is nowhere here on earth.  It is in Heaven.  And I can't wait for that day to come!  But while my earthly body is here on this planet, I'd like to find my home and where I belong.  God didn't make just Adam in the beginning of creation.  He knew he'd get lonely and would need a helpmate.  Thus, he created Eve out of Adam to symbolize their need for each other and for God.  He created us for one another.  I'm ready to be Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and wake up to this all being a dream after saying "there's no place like home" and wake up in a home with all those desires of my heart.  

There's really not an end to this blog because I still feel the same way.  But it helps to sometimes write it out, and maybe someone else feels the same way as I do.  I still feel like this is supposed to be my home, but somewhere for some reason, something happened that I have no clue about and am still left in the dark wishing I could fix it.  Friendships mean so much to me.  And with the Christmas and New Year's arriving, it doesn't help with that feeling of what it should be.  All my dreams and prayers were once answered.  Now, well…. here's to wishing on a shooting star again as I used to do when I'd lay in the meadow in Yosemite looking up at the stars at night.  I know that star will reach God soon and everything will be answered.  And I'm sure I'll look back on this blog in a few months and realize how dumb I am to question God, knowing that He had a plan all along.  But as for now, I feel alone and homeless…...

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