Monday, November 28, 2011

Lose Control

Last night, I found myself in a place where I was not in control of life situations like I'm used to. And it all happened without too much warning. It was a moment where I felt vulnerable, scared, and embarassed all at the same time, yet I tried to hide all three feelings because I was trying to stay in control and not let people see the fear on my face. I don't think I did an awesome job at that, but I am proud of myself for confiding in someone that understood and knows about 95% of me. I'm thankful I had that trustworthy friend to count on during that time who literally stayed by my side throughout all of it.

 In that state, however, I began to see a very powerful lesson.

"It's okay to not be in control all the time."

I don't know how to do that all so well. It seems like it may not be all that miraculous of an "ah ha" moment, but for me - for someone who has now been semi-forced to be in control of my life due to this disability - it was a freeing feeling of spontenaity. Nothing seems spontaneous anymore, yet for a brief moment, I experienced it because I felt safe. You see with this disability comes a position that no matter how out of control things get, there's a part of us that has to be somewhat in control for us to carry on with every day activities. Most outsiders don't understand this. But for eleven years of trying to stay on top of this disability - keep it under control - it was a very foreign feeling. Not only was I not able to articulate what I needed, but I had to put my complete faith and trust in someone during a situation that was very much like how I got hurt eleven years ago. Back then, I put my faith in someone who I trusted 100%, yet the outcome then didn't turn out so well then. Those same feelings came back as I sat in the passenger seat of my car. Once again, I was putting my faith and trust into someone who I believe in 100% to have my back. I had to let go of control and simply trust.  And I did.

It's moments like that where you see who your true friends are - those who will stand by you when you're at your best and at your worst. I'm not sure that I'm still able to fully articulate what I was taught in that brief moment of wisdom, but I'm fully aware that it was another step towards authenticity in me. I need to allow myself to go there more often. Let my "castle wall" down a bit more, be okay with who I am, let go of control, and surrender to trusting people more easily who I know care about me and won't judge.

It doesn't matter what the obstacle is in life, there's always a lesson that comes from unpredictible moments. For me, I learned that with life, sometimes it's okay to be a bit "out of control. :)