Disability + Life = No Money and No Time

I'm battling my need for money and my trust in the Lord as my provider. Again.

I was in this place 4 years ago, and God answered my prayers exponentially. Yet here I am again doing more than my body can physically handle, but it's because bills need to be paid. I've been doing the Financial Peace University through Dave Ramsey (as mentioned in other blogs) for about 2 years now. It has been a hard road to give up the things I see that other people have or turn my eye from what I want in order to use the resources God's given me wisely. But I just don't get where in this plan there is a section for "if you have a disability, do this."

Having a disability is horrible when it comes to money. The government basically punishes you for trying to be independent and hold a real job if you want them to help you. You're only allowed to make a certain amount (which is extremely below poverty level - seriously) in order to qualify for assistance. And even if you decide to go this route, the supplemental income from SSA/SSI doesn't cut it. Yet on the other hand, I try to hold a job in society and be independent and prosperous. But, I know that my body can't handle it some days. But, I still do it. And I still need another job in order to make ends meet. So, what's the point in trying to be independent?? And where is the prosperity?

I'm really struggling with trusting God right now. I'm ready to cry, give up, and say I'm done. Of course that's what Satan wants me to do. But it's how I feel right now. Working 12 hour days on top of trying to care for my body now that I have a disability. Well, let's just say it doesn't work. There is no time to "relax," go to the gym, enjoy a movie, etc. In fact, I envy people who have time and energy for vacations on the weekends or can go to the gym after work. The time it takes to grocery shop, unload the car, cook something, clean the kitchen, wash the clothes, fold the clothes, take a shower, clean the house, etc, etc, etc.... the list goes on and on. Those of you who use a wheelchair and do everything by yourself understand what I'm talking about. I just don't know how much longer I can do this. And it's not a matter of me budgeting or cutting things out of my life. I already budget and have cut so much out of my life. I live in a cardboard box basically in order to reduce the cost of rent. I honestly don't go to the grocery store very often because I don't have time to cook and I don't have money for eating healthy. So, I just choose not to eat and drink a lot of coffee when I get to work and see what's on the table.

I really try not to complain too much, because I know this is the path that God's given me and I need to live life to the best of my ability and with excellence. But I just don't understand some things. When I was first hurt (almost 11 years ago), I wanted people to treat me just like an able bodied person. I didn't want any accommodations or exceptions made for me. It was my denial speaking. I have learned over the years, however, that I'm not like everyone else and what would take an able bodied person 30 minutes to do, it takes me about twice as long. It is frustrating, yes. I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends and not doing anything well. However the reality is that I know what I'm doing at my job, I'm extremely educated, I've exceeded my monetary goal, and I'm doing extremely well. But it doesn't seem to be enough, and that is so frustrating! And, bills don't pay themselves, and the government sure doesn't help.

*Sigh*. I really don't know where to go from here. I hope that a beacon of light will come through, because I feel like no one truly understands (or wants to listen) what life is like for someone with my disability, at my age, doing it all by myself. Right now, I feel like I'm working to live rather than living to work. And it just seems to get worse the older I get in age and in this disability. Where is the balance?

I want to protect my body and give it the recovery time that it needs from each day in order for me to live a long life, but at this rate.... gosh. Who knows. Praying that God will give me sustainability. Somehow. I just want my life back and be able to enjoy it rather than having to constantly worry about money.