Friday, June 19, 2009

"I Run To You"

I stumbled across this song on YouTube while looking for information on a rehab facility called "Project Walk" in Carlsbad, CA that I'm interested in one day soon becoming a part of. (Finances are stopping me at the moment as it's rather expensive.  But, the things they are doing to help make people with spinal cord injuries walk again are amazing!  I hope I can get there soon.) 

This song is powerful.  I could have easily uttered the same words in this song when I first got hurt almost 9 years ago. I'm thankful that I've had Jesus to walk beside me through all the hurts, pains, and tears in life as I struggled with this unwanted disability, not knowing why Jesus allowed it to happen.  

"I Run To You" by Take No Glory.  Come to find out, they are located right in my backyard of where I live.  I'll have to check out which church they worship at.  I've never heard of these guys until now, but I love the simplicity of the song yet how movingly powerful it is.  You can visit their website and download their cd for free.  Yes, FREE!

Thank you, Lord, for sprinkling a little bit of You down from Heaven exactly when we need it here on earth.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Feeling Defeated... Again

Do you ever feel like there is no one around you who you can talk to? No one who will just listen? Only people who try to understand but really just wants to give their input or suggestions first? Do you ever long for someone to talk to who just "gets it"? I go through phases like this in my life, and I'm back to that mentality again of not trusting anyone. It seems like just when I get comfortable with someone and allow myself to become vulnerable is when they say something that is off the mark to make me crawl back into my shell. How many times does one allow herself to get punched before you finally just move out of the way?

Within weeks after my accident, the rehab facility I went to assigned people to various classes to learn how to cope with your disability. There were classes like bladder and bowel management, sexuality issues, and eating/exercise suggestions. I also remember there being a class on assertiveness. In that class, it taught us how to stick up for ourselves and our needs without feeling like we are a hinderance to an unaccessible world - both physically and mentally. I quickly began using the skills I learned when dealing with many situations so that I was not only teaching people about my needs and abilities/limitations, but also teaching them what my rights and value as a human being were - despite (and because of) the fact I had a disability. I felt empowered when I was assertive, but at the same time, I felt like I was becoming that "angry, bitter woman" who saw life as the glass half empty.

During this time, I learned that the world is not a kind place. People don't want to hear about your "disabled life." They pretend that they are listening, but they really don't care. And, they assume they know what's best for you based on what little information they know about you. So, instead of being assertive, I learned to just "go with the flow" and not make waves. I learned to just let them think what they did and not care about teaching them right from wrong. It was easier. It was easier for me to try to adapt to the rest of the world than to try to convince the whole world to try to make adaptations for me. After all, how many times do you hit your head against a brick wall before you realize you're bleeding all over the place and the wall isn't going to move?

I've always been a trail-blazer in my life. And oftentimes not by choice. Honestly, it's not always the most fun place to be. I feel like I'm always on the front-lines so that other people can have an easier life. There are some days I wish that my life were easier. It seems as if I never have any downtime or relief from this busy life, then add on top of that the fact I'm disabled. There is so much more to do each day in my life than the average able-bodied person has to do just to live. That's not an excuse. It's reality. So why do I feel like my effort still isn't good enough even though I'm pedaling twice as hard just to keep up? And when "accommodations" are made for me, it appears as if I'm slacking or lazy to everyone else.

Once again, I've tried opening myself up to the realities of life with a disability to outsiders, and it has caused me to once again to decide to walk that fine line of being respectfully assertive or to just give in to what they think is "best". I'm about to just say "enough is enough" and give in. I've worked beyond exhaustion, and it still doesn't seem like it's good enough. I'm not superwoman. I can't do it all. But because I have a disability, I feel as if I have to prove to everyone that I can do it all. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

My honesty right now is just that.... honesty. I'm not saying this is what the Lord wants me to do, but it's what I humanly feel right now. Depleted. Exhausted. Broken-hearted. Disappointed. And defeated.