Everyone Sees It But Me

I was raised a codependent. I was taught to put others first, to not cause waves, and to do something when someone told you to do it, even if you didn't want to. I was told to always try your best (even when your best wasn't good enough) and innately sought the good in people rather than the bad. I am a perfectionist. When something went wrong, I tried to figure out what I did to make it go haywire (even if I had no part in it), and I worry about things I can't change even though I still try my hardest to change them. I feel out of control when I'm not in control. I have issues of trust. If you say you're going to do something, stick to it. I believe in fairness. If you do something for someone else, I expect you to do the same for the other person. I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected, yet I am very sensitive to the needs of others. I am driven towards things I believe strongly in, yet lack motivation for things I'm not interested in. I worry about what people think, and I'm sad when they don't acknowledge me in a way I feel loved. If you're going to be a friend, be a friend. Don't half way be a friend. I have enough of those.

And this is why I hate being a codependent. Over the last few months, I have been struggling with these characteristics more than I realized, and for some reason, it all has come crashing in my face again. I have more obligations than I have time for, I'm investing time into people who don't invest back into me, and overall I am not happy. Depression has been creeping in ever so slowly since about Thanksgiving, and now I think it's in full force. I'm overwhelmed with the tasks at hand, and my deepest desire in life is about to walk away from me. It's all I can do to get up each morning, knowing I already have an imbalance within my body regarding sleep. My head burns with pain and my eyes are wet most days. The smile is halfway there when it has to be, but in reality, I'd rather just escape to a cave.

I have a fridge full of friends' pictures of their kids - kids I should also have, yet I'm still single and childless. I wonder, "What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to be loved? I've accomplished so much and overcome so much in my life!"

And at the end of the day when things are really bad... I blame it all on my disability. I think we all have our "default" that we blame things on. The devil tells me, "If you didn't have this wheelchair, you'd be able to accomplish everything you want and more. If you weren't paralyzed, you'd be able to run and lose weight. If you weren't in a wheelchair, maybe someone would love you enough to want to commit their entire life to be with you forever. Obviously you're not fit to have children."

Depression plus codependency is not a good thing. And with Valentines Day on the verge this weekend and my birthday coming around the corner, I know I'm not getting any younger. Sometimes, I wonder how long it would take for someone to realize I'm missing. Gone. Away. I just want to shut my eyes some days hoping it will all go away, and lately, it's been many days.

These are the lies I hear run through my head. And on days like today, I don't have the energy to tell them to go away.

Broken promises.

Emergency Disaster Relief Needed in Haiti - Wheelchairs!

As many of you know, the country of Haiti was devestated by a magnitude 7 earthquake on Tuesday. Free Wheelchair Mission immediately heard from our partners in the country with the following:

"People are in panic and assisting others in help...they said many are dead and many children with no arms or legs...many under building crying for help... they say it looks like a horrible movie that no one can describe." - Reverend Max Manning, Global Missions

Please consider helping provide emergency relief to the people in Haiti by giving those who are in desperate need of wheelchairs. Free Wheelchair Mission already has 300 wheelchairs on the ground and being assembled now, but that is not enough for the severity of the situation.

One wheelchair only costs $59.20. Can you afford giving one wheelchair so that someone can know and feel the love of Jesus during this horrible time? Please click here to donate directly to Free Wheelchair Mission, or you can visit their website at http://www.freewheelchairmission.org/ for more information.

Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus during this difficult time!

Click here to go directly to the donation page to help those in need in Haiti.

The End to the Beginning - Tournament of Roses Parade

Happy New Year everyone! 2009 has been fantastic for me and afforded many amazing opportunities. I will not be able to post later today or tomorrow, because I will be in the Tournament of Roses Parade on national television on New Year's Day! What a way to bring in 2010!!!

I have posted pictures on my Ms. Wheelchair California website as well as a blog about what yesterday's activities entailed. We are float number 85 of 91, so be sure to watch for us waving to you! I have had such a fantastic time so far. What a great way to end 2009 and bring in 2010!

You can check out the pictures at http://mswheelchaircalifornia2009.blogspot.com/

I wish you all a blessed New Year as you follow God's will, plan, and purpose for your life. Many blessings to everyone!

Full of Thanksgiving

"And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness." Colossians 2:6-7

Gratitude is something that comes from deep within when one is truly appreciative of something. In more simpler terms as described by Dr. John Townsend at a message I heard last week, "Gratitude is appreciating what I can't produce." In order to be grateful, you have to have received something. People who have co-dependent tendencies have a hard time receiving because they always want to be in control. I myself have trouble with needing to be in control and feel disoriented (for lack of a better word) when things are not within my control. Some of this comes from issues in my past, but some of it also comes from the undeniable feeling of not being in control of the car while sitting in the passengers seat when my accident happened 9 years ago. However, we need to be thankful for what brings fruit, not for what feels comfortable.

In this season of thanksgiving, I wish to list that for which I'm thankful, keeping in mind that my "gratitude is appreciating what I can't produce on my own."

• My family - both blood and God's
• A roof over my head and food on the table
• Healthcare
• Amazing women I met at Ms. Wheelchair America
• My cat
• Technology
• Ability to worship freely
• My church
• A wonderful job
• Law enforcement friends who keep watch over me and protect me every single minute of my life, no matter how busy they are
• Honest and supportive friends
• Reconnecting with old friends
• Cars
• Airplanes
• God's grace and love when I mess up
• Memories of my grandpa
• New births
• Beautiful flowers, the ocean, mountains, palm trees, and sunsets
• Those protecting us in the military. I salute you.
• Freshly washed sheets
• Good music
• Love
• Opportunities to share God's love in multiple different venues
• My mentors who keep me on track
• My fantastic boss (and no, I'm not just saying that! I really do mean it! - Plus, he's from the South. How can you NOT like him??)
• Doctors, teachers, police officers, and fire fighters
• Pictures that help freeze wonderful moments in time
• Celebrate Recovery
• My health
• My education
• Hugs, smiles, and laughter
• Children's curiosity
• the birth and resurrection of Jesus Christ
• Candles
• the fact that our forefathers built this country on the foundation of Christianity
• Coffee
• Opportunities to try new things
• Sweatshirts
• For this accident/disability to have happened to me (9 years ago, I could have never imagined myself saying that. God has rescued me from hell and back, and the lessons I've learned have been invaluable)
• My Salvation
• Exercise
• Drive-thru's
• Stoplights
• Laws that protect us from harm and/or harmful people
• Warm cookies
• Seeing growth in myself year after year

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Back in the Day... to Today.

High school was an interesting time for me. I never felt like I quite fit in, though I was friends with people in many of the groups on campus. Looking back, some may have said I was “popular,” and others may say I was a nerd. I don’t know. I was sadly trying to constantly fit in while at the same time hold to my values and beliefs. (I'm in the pink top and white pants in the picture. This was during a Chorus Show in Highschool.)

I remember going to my first high school football game. It was full of excitement and camaraderie. The sounds, the sights, the people! It was all so exciting as we chanted for our home team with our faces painted with school colors and waved pom pom’s in the air. We would bang our feet on the stands loudly in an attempt to distract the other team as the 15 or so cheerleaders joined us in their cheers. Sometimes we won, most of the time we didn’t, but it was high school at its finest. The band would play the same songs each Friday night it seemed, and probably the best part (for me) was watching the band during halftime as the color guard and majorettes had choreographed routines to coincide with the music. Honestly, I had no clue about football (and still really don’t). But music… I understood music! Aaah, those were the days.

Tonight, I had the privilege of watching one of the top rated high school football game on Homecoming night, nonetheless. I’m a good friend with one of the coaches on the team, and I’ve always been encouraged to come watch a game. However, it’s not exactly my idea of a “Friday night,” so to speak. You know, to go hang out with high schoolers who I don’t know. Tonight, however, I was inspired to go watch him in action. I was given special access to be on the sidelines, which I don’t know was really that helpful because I constantly had football players’ rear ends in my face. But again, I wasn’t really there to watch the game but to watch and encourage my friend while he coached.

My focus quickly changed from “watching him in action” to observing how much has changed in high school’s since I last attended over ten years ago. Wow, what happened between then and now? As you walk into the stadium, there are vendors galor selling their wares and food. Everything from Mexican to hamburgers were set up underneath pop up tents. Shoot. All we had was the “Food Stand” that sold nachos, popcorn, sodas, and candy underneath the bleachers. There may have been hotdogs, too. I can’t remember. Tonight, I almost felt like I was at a real football game with all the vendors! Also, there must have been not 15 but 50 cheerleaders, and each has their own personal, decorated wood block that they stand on. I imagine this is to see above the football players. Our cheerleaders never had that type of pedestal. They just cheered on the track field. The people in the stands back then were dressed for comfort and spirit, not style. We didn’t have cell phones. Beepers/pagers were just coming into play, but not everyone had one. But tonight, almost every girl I saw had their blonde hair all done up as they donned big fancy earrings, designer skinny jeans with Ugg boots holding an iPhone. It made me want to say “Ugh.”

The smell of alcohol was rancid tonight. Where was I when all this was happening back in the day? I’m sure it had to have been going on, but I was clueless to it all. I mean, when I was in high school, after the football game was over, I went home. I never would have thought about drinking before, during, or after the football game. Wow. No wonder the crowd was so rowdy tonight.

Since it was “Homecoming Night,” perhaps there were more people there than normal, but halftime in particular was extremely different than I remember on Homecoming Night. When I was in high school, the marching band would play a little number and then along with the color guard, they would split into two to create a beautiful path down the 50 yard line where each girl who was nominated was escorted by her parents. Each girl was announced with all her achievements, and it was exciting to hear the announcement of who won over the loud speaker. Back in my day, becoming Homecoming Queen was more of a popularity contest, but as I sat on the sidelines tonight with one of the teachers at the school, it seems as if each of the girls that were nominated were really good, smart, and deserving girls. But, the entire “announcement” was so odd and weird. There was no marching band. There wasn’t a color guard. Instead, there was this odd dramatic play about the “Wizard of Oz” on the field and the witch had to let out each of the nominated girls from behind this cage-thing where their dad’s would then take them and lead them down the field. Then in sync, the girls danced a choreographed dance to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with their dad’s. I must say that although it was odd, it was also strangely tear-jerking. What a beautiful memory this must have been for these dads to have danced with their daughters all dressed up on Homecoming Night in front of all these people. However – almost without warning – the music was done and suddenly everyone looked to the End Zone and within two seconds, fireworks started shooting off and the name of the winner for Queen was lit up – in fireworks!! Is this just California high schools that can afford this?? Fireworks? Seriously? This never, ever, ever happened when I was in high school. Man, I feel old.

It was rather chilly (55 degrees), so I left shortly after the 3^rd Quarter started. After all, it was 30-7 when I left… and they win every game. I don’t think tonight will be much different. But I couldn’t help but get back into my car and think back to how much things have changed in such a short time for me. And it was all triggered by a high school football game. Ten plus years ago when I graduated high school, I was one of those teenagers in the stands. My life was solely centered around me for the most part, and my co-dependency was in high gear as I desired to fit in and “be somebody.” Now, here I am years later and can’t believe how times have changed. Though there are some days that I miss those years, I love where I am now. I love the path that I’ve taken and the road that God has me on. It empowers me to look back at my life then and my life now – and compare it to those I tried so desperately to be like in high school. For some, I am glad I’m not like them. They are still living the same lifestyle they were back then – drinking, partying, trying to “be someone.” Others I’m extremely proud of as they have gone and married and have beautiful families. Others have sadly divorced. But all in all, I’m thankful that I lived that somewhat “sheltered” life while in high school. I think life for me would have been completely different now that I’m older had I succumbed to the pressure of being a teenager.

Needless to say, tonight was a very eye opening experience. I’m glad I’m no longer in high school, and God help me when I have children who reach high school age where fireworks are no longer the “in” thing. What will it be next?

Oh, and good job coaching tonight, though I don’t think I watched much of it…. J

Betrayal

"It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know

if you will risk looking like a fool

for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive..."

We often look for someone we can trust more than we trust ourselves. Perhaps this is because we know how often we betray ourselves. It is uncomfortable when someone perceives us as breaking faith with past promises. Yet, if we live fully, it is inevitable that this will sometimes happen, because change is inevitable, and commitments, if they are to remain vital, must be remade and renewed.

Often we protect ourselves from the knowledge of broken promises by pretending that nothing has changed. We betray ourselves when we deny the change that terrifies us, when we maintain the external illusion that all remains the same. If someone names the betrayal, everything begins to unravel. When our denial of what has happened is so deep as to seem complete, the shock of revelation is overwhelming. We feel broadsided, stunned, broken. I feel a bit this way now.

When we acknowledge betrayal and take responsibility for our decisions to break agreements, for our knowledge that someone has broken an agreement with us, we ache with the anticipated loss of innocence. To trust again, we must be willing to face the shadow of innocence - the deliberate naivete that clings to denial and rejects the truth as too hard.

If we cannot live with our need to renew agreements we have made, we break the only promise we really owe each other - to be truthful. This means finding both the courage to be truthful with ourselves and a way to live with how our actions affect others, even when there is no ill intent and no one to blame.

When an agreement that is important to us is broken, we feel hurt and angry. And, if the agreement is broken but we or others pretend that it has not been violated, we learn to distrust ourselves or those others when the truth is revealed. The real damage of betrayal is in the lies we tell one another and ourselves, the lies that cause us to lose faith in our ability to recognize and act on the truth.

Part of being trustworthy is being able to recognize when our perceptions and judgements are untrustworthy and to cultivate a community that can support and guide us in those times. I'm learning to do that now.

Jesus had one of his closest friends betray him. Judas was his name. He was chosen by God to be one of Jesus' dicsiples. When Judas kisses Jesus, it signifies one of the great betrayals of all time. What is most interesting is Jesus' reaction. In Matthew's account, he simply tells him to do what he needs to do. He accepts the betrayal as the done deal that it was. He betrayed Jesus in such a deep way and in the end, Judas hung himself out of the guilt he felt for what he had done (Matthew 27).

"While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests and the elders of the people. Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: "The one I kiss is the man; arrest him." Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, "Greetings, Rabbi!" and kissed him. Jesus replied, "Friend, do what you came for." Matthew 26:47-50

Yet, Jesus forgave him.

It's times when we are betrayed by someone we trusted that we look to our own spirit for Truth. Part of betrayal is offering forgiveness, but if you're on the other side of it, it's also asking to be forgiven. Once forgiveness is requested, trust can become restored. However, it's up to us if we want to leave things undone, and we ruin your own blessings for years to come when things are left unsettled.

Being truthful with the people we've hurt is so important. So, risk looking like a fool... ask for forgiveness so that someone else's innocence of learning to trust can be restored.

The Waiting Room

If you've ever been in a waiting room, you know that you have the opportunity to observe people's lives in such a different way than one would normally have access to. Some of the most intimate things are revealed to people that you probably would normally not hear or know while waiting for someone.

I've been in a few waiting rooms in my life. Most recently, I was in an Emergency Room waiting room in Memphis, TN for an incident that happened late September this year.

Here is a poem about what I observed, heard, and saw while waiting.

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The Waiting Room

Two lives. Intermingled yet separate.

One is carefree and ready, the other is bound by barbed wire.

Two chairs. At the same table, but only one can be sat in.

One is brown, the other red.

Two dates. One sooner, one later.

One chose the earlier date because the other was too long to wait.

Two airline tickets. Same destination, different departure.

One made it on the airplane, the other only made it to the airport.

Two feelings. One is excited, the other is upset.

One knows this because of the detailed information the Delta representative told her.

Two nights. Time to be spent together.

Instead, it was spent alone. Alone.

Two ways of getting in touch. A gesture of respect at least.

Neither were used as of yet.

Two people. One city was the plan.

Instead, two cities, still apart.

Two lives. Undeniable attraction. Yet somehow, denied.

"Why make it to the airport and not get on the airplane?" one questioned.

"Why book another flight and not take it?" another asked.

"I waited in the room for you," one said. "For hours into the night. And yet I still wait for that date, that ticket, those feelings, those nights, and that city to take place and be rescheduled in the near future. I hope you reconsider what could be. I hope you'll reconsider taking the next step."

"I want you in my life. Don't leave me."

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The things you observe in a Waiting Room...

Musings of Incense

That smell of sandlewood incense takes me back to a place I remember well. A place where life was exactly as I wanted it to be. I was carefree, happy, and in love with all I did and everyone I encountered. That smell quickly takes me back to that time and place. The place is that enchanted forest in the canyon called Yosemite.

During times where I need to escape, I burn this incense. And listen to music. And I’m burning it now. Be careful. The house may burn down.

My mind and heart are in a very contemplative state right now that leaves me questioning during this moment of stillness tonight. So, I burn incense. Not as a way to escape this time, but as a way to focus. To hone in on capturing these feelings in journal format.

There is so much that seems so unreal about my life at the moment. So much that I thought would never be possible. Surreal moments. Moments when I have to pinch myself and soak in every drop so that when the moment is over, I can reflect back on its goodness. Life is good right now. I remember the days when I was younger wishing to be “someone” that people could look up to and say “I knew her when…”. I guess I am that person now, though I say it with some hesitancy. I really don't feel as if I'm anyone really, but people seem to think I am.

I'm just me.

I don’t ever want to be satisfied or feel I’ve reached the top. There will always be another mountain to climb, another path to cross, and another dream to make come true. There is a saying that says, “Don’t let your success get to your head or your failures get to your heart.” Though I believe each of those statements individually, I don’t agree with them when together. To me, that means one should be complacent. That is not me. I live for the moment and plan for the future. I capture each day as though it is my last, because I’ve been there before. I've been to that day where it was almost my last. I don’t want to ever say, “I shoulda, woulda, coulda…” Just do it, as Nike would say.

But yet, I still don’t feel complete. There are still a few things that are missing in my life that I desperately yearn for. This weekend, I have the opportunity to potentially begin pursuing one of those dreams. But, it may be another dead end road that I've been traveling down for the past two years.

So, I burn incense to hopefully take me to a place to focus. And yes, probably to escape to the reality I’m hoping for. The feeling of again being carefree, of being loved, and of being adventurous. I want to be reminded of who I am and what I really, really want.

In Bible times, burning incense was used during prayer time to symbolize prayers as one visually watched the smoke (prayers) being sent and lifted to heaven.

I pray this prayer reaches heaven.

2nd Runner Up at Ms. Wheelchair America!

I'm back from South Dakota! Wow, did I have an amazing time meeting some pretty remarkable women from all across the nation. Not only did I gain great memories and friendships, but I also learned a lot about myself, too. The host state was extremely helpful and accomodating as well as the hotel we stayed at. I was thoroughly impressed by the people of Rapid City and their hospitality. Great place to visit for sure!

An immense "thank you" goes out to Terry and Karen Charlton for the countless hours they put in to making this pageant a huge success. They were definitely the engine behind the machine along with the Ms. Wheelchair America Board. I'm proud and honored to represent my great state of California as well as to have placed in the Top 5 and be selected as 2nd Runner Up! Thank you to the judges and everyone else for this great blessing.

With everything in life, it's important that we use it as a chance to grow and reflect on what we learned. This past week was no different as I definitely had an opportunity to learn from other people as well as learn things about myself, too. Here are some of the things I learned from this past week:


* I learned that not everything is as it appears, and sometimes people will do whatever it takes to get where they want to be, even if it means hurting others.

* I was reminded of the fact that I am a confident woman who knows who I am and am confident in my walk with the Lord. Though I may not always be "perfect," I am covered by grace.

* I was reminded when it's appropriate to say "I'm sorry" and when it's ok to stand your ground.

* I learned that sometimes believing the best in people isn't always the best approach.

* I gained a new sense of appreciation for those who deal with more adversity than I on a daily basis.

* I found out it's ok to be around other women in wheelchairs, and that most are pretty cool chicks!

* I had my spirit rekindled as I gained a new-found appreciation for advocacy and how important it is that my voice be heard in a positive and encouraging manner for those who don't speak up and/or those who tarnish what is being done in America for those with disabilities.

* I was reminded that being a confident woman is intimidating to some people.

* My eyes were opened to what it means to be a "caregiver" and how important their role is to those they are helping out.

There are so many valuable lessons I learned this week beyond these few points. In many ways, I was out of my comfort zone, but at the same time, I realized how important it is for me to surround myself with solid people in my life, especially other Christians. It was important to me that I stayed true to myself and true to who I am as a Christian this past week, though admittedly there were a few times that I failed. I hope all of you enjoyed keeping up with my week via the Ms. Wheelchair California blog. If you didn't get a chance to read it, please go visit the site. You'll find great pictures as well as great stories about the days activities.

I am so proud of the fact that I placed in the Top 5 with some other great women, and I couldn't be happier about the fact that I got 2nd Runner Up. I will continue to support the Ms. Wheelchair America program and all that it exudes with my own advocacy work during my reign as Ms. Wheelchair California as well as after my reign is over. Life is a constant journey. It's not a matter of making it to the end, but how you get to the end that matters. I hope that each of you are living with purpose and that you know what your purpose is.


To learn more about the Ms. Wheelchair America pageant and if there is a program in your state, please click here.

To read more about the Ms. Wheelchair California program, please click here.

To read my blog as Ms. Wheelchair California, please click here.

Heading to Nationals - Ms. Wheelchair America!

Hi everyone! Just a quick note to let you know that I leave for the national Ms. Wheelchair America pageant tomorrow morning which is held in South Dakota! It's a week long pageant full of interviews as well as exciting events! I look forward to meeting each of the women from their respective states and learning from all of them.

I'm claiming Hebrews 10:35-36 for my time in South Dakota this coming week. "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

Please keep me in your prayers as well as all the other girls that we come together for one common purpose which is to bring a positive awareness to people with disabilities and all learn how to be better advocates within our own communities. Please also pray that I am a witness for Jesus to everyone I meet and that they would see Jesus through me. Finally, please pray for strength, endurance, and patience. God willing, I'll come back with the title of Ms. Wheelchair America!!

I am going to try to keep my Ms. Wheelchair California blog updated throughout the week so you can see what's happening each day. Feel free to visit it at www.mswheelchaircalifornia2009.blogspot.com.

Wish me luck!

Firing Squad

I truly believe the closer you are to the will of God, the harder the fight gets. Satan knows our weaknesses, and when we are accomplishing too much for the Kingdom, he knows exactly where to begin attacking in an attempt to break us down. Sometimes they happen slowly over time, and sometimes the attacks come from every direction at rapid speed. The Evil One is even so smart as to put believers against believers. Without a doubt, he knows my weaknesses.

It is exactly why God put Ephesians 6:10-20 in the Bible. He tells us exactly what He has equipped us with if we are believers in the Lord to fight the battle. Reading this reminds me of the movie series, "Chronicles of Narnia." It is one of my favorite movies because it visually makes these verses come to life and was part of the inspiration that C.S. Lewis wrote about it in his books. Personally, I believe I need to do an in-depth study on these verses at this time in my life. Though many fantastic and God-inspired things are happening in my life, I am feeling attacks from many directions that make no sense other than the fact that it reminds me that I'm on the right path. I am within the will of God.

In an effort to soothe my spirit from the pain of some of these attacks, I've noticed that I have begun to revert back to my codependent tendencies, relying on other people to fill me up, make me happy, and satisfy my spirit. Forgive me, Lord, for not relying on You first for my joy.

Though there are many whom I desire to be a part of my life in a more intimate and personal way, I cannot force relationships. Though there are many opportunities that I want to manifest to fruition, I can not manipulate outcomes. And though my life seems to already be full, I still yearn for more. Again Lord, forgive me for not being grateful for all that I have.

I'm reminded by what it says in Galatians 6:7-10. "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. ⁸The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. ⁹Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ¹⁰Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

I have ten days until I make my way to South Dakota for the National competition of Ms. Wheelchair America. The competition will be stiff, and I am constantly reminded by others within the organization of the drama that awaits me. In fact, it has already begun. However, I am choosing not to be a part of it. I want to proudly and genuinely represent first my Lord Jesus Christ and secondly, the disabled community as an advocate and leader for the state of California. God has entrusted me with this task, and it's my opportunity to be His voice, hands, and feet. Please keep me in your prayers the last week of August. The crowning will be held on Saturday, August 29th.

Finally, I am struggling with the word "love." Not just in a "Valentine's Day" way, but in a way that reflects the love of Jesus.

Learning to love people, even when they aren't showing me love.

Allowing others whom I love to walk away from me when that is their choice (even when I don't want them to go).

And finally, learning how to set boundaries around my own love that I give to others. It's hard because again, my tendency is to give, give, give. I need to re-read "Boundaries." If anyone else has another recommendation, please let me know.

Though the road is rough and the path is narrow, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I've been here before, and I know I can make it through. I'm learning again that growth comes by walking through the fire, even though it may hurt a little. Though there are nails all around, my heart still shines... just as in this picture.

Thank you for walking this journey with me.

US Open of Surfing!!

On Sunday, July 26, 2009, I became the first woman with a disability to surf in the 8th Annual Expression Session with the non-profit organization, Life Rolls On (LRO), at the Hurley U.S. Open of Surfing in Huntington Beach, CA. It was by far the best day of my life.... ever! As the world’s largest surfing competition, I was viewed by an estimated 500,000 people at the US Open of Surfing who gather each year to watch the top surfers compete from all around the world.

I had the best time while at the Open meeting new friends, getting to know others better, and having a chance to be on the beach once more. It was a sleepless weekend, but I got to hang out with some really fantastic people like Cory Staley, Grant Kobayashi, Christiaan Bailey, Patrick Ivison (and his family), Dave King, and Ted Canedy. These guys all are amazing men who I'm grateful to call friends!

(Back Row L-R): Grant Kobayashi, Ted Canedy, Dave King
(Front Row L-R): Christiaan Bailey and me

Returning for the 8th year as the “Official Charity” of the US Open of Surfing, Life Rolls On Foundation is a non-profit organization dedicated to improving the quality of life for young people affected by spinal cord injury (SCI) and uses action sports as a platform to inspire infinite possibilities despite paralysis. LRO utilizes action sports to push the boundary of possibility for those with SCI through outreach education programs, motivation, and awareness.

Aren't the sunsets beautiful?? I love where I live!

On Sunday, July 26, preceding the Men’s Finals, I, along with three Life Rolls On surfers, charged the waves for the LRO “THEY WILL SURF AGAIN” EXPRESSION SESSION – a special exhibition of Life Rolls On’s signature program, They Will Surf Again.

I had a fantastic team of Cory Staley, Scott Caan, Jesse Faen, Grant Kobayashi, and Mike Brown among others to help her pull of a successful surf... catching all four waves without a single wipe out. The crowd lined the Huntington Beach Pier, the bleachers, and the sand as everyone cheered for me as the first woman as well as the fact I'm Ms. Wheelchair California! It was such an amazing day! I wish you could see what I saw from my point of view. It will forever be encapsulated in my mind as a very monumentous occasion.

Below, I was joined (L-R) Patrick Ivison, Christiaan Bailey, and Jessie Billauer (not shown) in the VIP Athlete Zone for quick media and press before we went out into the crowd to surf! What a fantastic day in history!

The waves were extremely big the day before, so everyone was a bit nervous about the surfing conditions for Sunday. However, they calmed down a little, though still dangerous. The current was extremely strong, and with that type of pull, it made for a difficult paddle out. I'm thankful for Cory and Scott who definitely helped put my mind at ease beforehand (though later they both told me that they were just making stuff up to make me feel better and knew the waves were tough! Crazy friends, but I love them for that!)

Afterwards, the four surfers lined up in front of the LRO booth for media and press interviews. Thank you to Life Rolls On for your undying support of people with spinal cord injuries/disabilities and for helping everyone become more aware that life does go on! I have so many great memories of the weekend, and I can't wait to be back out in the surf again very soon!

Hanging Ten with Simon Baker | Extra

Saturday, I surfed again with Life Rolls On, but this time up in Malibu, CA. It was probably one of the best days ever.

Recently, I have started to teach myself how to be mindful of situations I am. I've tried to learn how to enjoy moments as they happen - take in the sights, the sounds, the smells, the people, the conversations. It has totally changed my outlook on so many events in life in a more powerful and dramatic way that intensifies my memories of things.

I had the opportunity to interview with Terri Seymour of Extra! television and CBS's star of "The Mentalist," Simon Baker on Saturday while surfing in Malibu. Both of these two people have such kind hearts and are truly amazing people. Special thanks to Life Rolls On for making yet another great event so successful!

The fabulous Blue Team helped support me in so many ways. Cory Staley, Scott Caan, and Simon Baker were amazing out in the water among all the others there to serve. Their help is what makes first time experiences change people's lives.

I only wiped out twice, but probably caught about 4 waves in the 20 minute allotment. I could have stayed out there forever. I think I'm starting to grow fins, because I'm totally hooked. I'm addicted to the ocean now, and long to be near it every chance I get.

Terri Seymour has the kindest and sweetest spirit. I'm so happy I had the opportunity to meet such a gentle and fun woman. Not to mention she's beautiful, it's truly evident that her heart is that much more beautiful. She works so hard and always has a smile on her face. Such an encouraging woman!

For a more indepth interview by Extra! television, check out the video below. Thanks Extra and Terri!

*some photos courtesy of Kim LaBonte.

Moving On and Up... to Celebrate!

There is much to celebrate in the week to come! SO MUCH to celebrate! When I look back over the last nine years since Satan tried to take my joy away from me by putting me in a wheelchair, boy was he wrong and unsuccessful!! I admit, he had me for the first few years. But praise the Lord my Jesus pulled me through the fire and rescued me like Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego! (Daniel 3 in the Bible).

As you all are aware, my nine (9) year anniversary since becoming paralyzed is coming up on Wednesday, July 29th. I have so much I want to share with thousands of people of what God has brought me through, challenged me with, and helped me triumph over that I can hardly contain myself these days! God is GOOD, no matter the situation! Even through the pain and tears, He hears you, and He knows that it won't last forever.

As the day approaches, I have so much happening that gets me so excited, especially as I look back to where I was at the beginning of this disability nine years ago. This Saturday, I'll be in Malibu surfing with Life Rolls On again for their 25th Anniversary Celebration. Big things in store that day including filming with a well known actor (whom I can't mention at the moment) for a well known television show (which I can't say). And of course, surfing! It will be my last run before the big event.... the US Open of Surfing!!

I have been asked to surf in the US Open of Surfing in Huntington Beach on Sunday, July 26th. I'll be making history as I'll be the first female with a disability to ever surf in the Open! EVER! I am blessed and extremely honored to be given this unique opportunity. I'll be surfing in front of an expected 400,000 people that day. Lots of media, press, and people will be swarming around "Surf City USA" as the top surfers in the world come to compete. And to think I'll be surfing in the same competition as these great athletes blows my mind.

In the next thirteen (13) days, there are several other events that I have going on in between these two surfing events (other than training at the gym every day, not to mention going to work, too) including the 6th Annual "Magic of Mobility" Gala for Free Wheelchair Mission, an Angels Baseball game, Fish Fest 2009, and a trip to Disneyland!

The 29th, however, is a very special day for me. It's my day, and I share it with only one other human being - the person I was in the accident with (who yes, is still alive.) She is the only other person who was there at that moment when it seemed as if the world stopped. Unfortunately, though, that person chooses not to speak to me but on rare occasions and it's only through email. It hurt me for many, many years that she didn't want anything to do with me now that I was paralyzed. At least that was my perception. But, I have learned that life must continue on for me. I cannot put my life on hold waiting for someone else. My wishes and hopes to rekindle what was never

reciprocated became an anchor to me that kept me in the past and made it very difficult to push forward to the future. Now that I have released many of those ropes that I held on to so tightly regarding my past, it's fantastic to see how God has blown open the doors of blessings for me.

There are several things that I do each July 29th that comes, but most are left sacred in a special place in my heart. I like it that way. I hold these "rituals," if you will, close to my soul and don't let people know about what I do and/or why they mean so much to me. I guess it's my way of paying tribute and respect as well as memorializing a day that changed my life forever.

So, in a few days I will be celebrating the last nine (9) years for the first time rather than mourning it. I am a survivor, and even though I may not be walking yet, I have overcome this disability with the help of Jesus and all my faith walkers who have walked right alongside this journey with me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for not abandoning me, giving up on me, or letting me get away with old thoughts/habits. Let the celebration begin!

Deciphering God's Will

The biggest knife in the heart has happened. For two years, I have been cultivating a relationship with a large local church about the opportunity for them to become a distribution partner of ours and distribute wheelchairs to those with disabilities in Rwanda. It also happens to be my home church here in California. A year and a half later in January 2009, that reality happened! Soon thereafter, we received more than enough funds to order our first container of wheelchairs (550) to send to Rwanda.

At that time, I was asked by my company to lead a trip to Rwanda in July 2009 to help with the distribution process but to also allow others an opportunity to share in the joy of what we do. I had worked hard at setting up multiple meetings, talking with people, and spending many hours after work and on weekends getting trained by the church to be a leader for their mission trips. Due to another big event that our company puts on in July, it was advised that we reschedule the trip to September so I could be at the July event. So, the mission trip was moved to September.

Within a weeks time, all but one of the participants of the trip had something come up in which they were unable to go because of us moving the trip time from July to September.

This week, I was told that I need to once again reschedule my trip to Africa from September to sometime next year so that we can include supporters of our organization as well as have more funds in the bank to pay for my trip.

This really, really breaks my heart, because of the relationship I have established with this partner and the expectations the church and people of Rwanda had for me to be there in September. I got to meet Eric Munyemana of Rwanda while he was her for the Purpose Drive Conference last month, and to hear him talk about how excited he was in his broken English about the wheelchairs coming and my presence brought tears to everyone's eyes. I could see God's will clearly.

The government officials in Rwanda were so excited about me coming to their country to not only be an advocate for those with disabilities, but to also help change the country for the better. They had meetings set up for me to meet with the United Nations Convention to help ratify the Constitution of Rwanda to include laws for people with disabilities, speak at the National Paralytic Convention, have a Press Conference with the Cabinet and Parliament of the country, have a private meeting with the President of Rwanda, meet with the Ministry of Health, teach classes on living an independent lifestyle at the hospitals in the country, meet with each leader from each Providence within the country, and be a part of several radio, television, and newspaper interviews as well as distribute wheelchairs to the disabled poor. But, because these supporters of my organization are unable to go on this mission trip, my company doesn't think it's worth the investment of $4000 to send just me over there by myself.

I'm heartbroken and have cried many tears over this decision for the past few weeks as I have looked forward to this trip since January. I wish I had $4000 to pay for it on my own. I have no doubt that God wants me there to help this country. I have the unique opportunity to help thousands of people with a disability in a developing country have a better life simply by being an advocate for them at the government level! But, I can't get there. It's hard to fight back tears when the sting in your eyes and heart is so painful. I just don't understand my company's decision. They say I could go next year, but who's to say those opportunities with the government will still be there? Who's to say I'll have donors available to go on that trip? Who's to say we'll have enough funds to send me? And the worst part of it all is that my President came down to talk to me two days ago and said, "We really want you to go on a mission trip, Alyson. But, if I had to choose one, it wouldn't be Africa because of your disability." I really do not like when people think they know what's best for me when it comes to my disability. I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "I appreciate your concern about my safety regarding my disability, but I would ask that you would let me be the judge of what I can and can't do when it comes to my disability. I've been in a wheelchair for 9 years. You haven't." I was so, so upset.

So, this week, I've felt very empty, not supported, and not encouraged. I simply can't wrap my heart around the fact that I can't help people even though I want to so bad because someone else thinks they know what's best. There is a Higher calling, and I find it discouraging that in three of the five "Values and Principles" we have as an organization it says "We conduct our mission with integrity and humility. We honor God in all we do, and We value individuals and relationships." There has to be something I'm missing that God will reveal to me later, but I am so certain that this is where God wanted me to be... in Rwanda... making God-sized changes so that people who are getting wheelchairs are able to use them, be independent, and live successful lives. This can't happen unless someone like me comes in and changes the country's perception! Perhaps it still is where I am supposed to be, but a miracle is going to have to happen at this point. A financial miracle and a change of heart miracle.

I know you don't know where you stand in your relationship with God, but please pray for me. This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make... sacrificing my own desires for that of my company's. Having to be honoring to my employer while feeling like I'm letting God down. My heart has never had to struggle like this before, and I don't think anyone else is seeing what I see through God's eyes.

If you feel led and are interested in making a significant financial contribution to help get me to Rwanda, please contact me on my website. Since the trip leaves September 4th, the miracle has to happen soon.

Thank you for your prayers,

Alyson

Michael Jackson Memorial Service

Here is the email I received last evening (click on the picture for a better view). Sadly, I did not get chosen to attend the Memorial Service being held at the Staples Center tomorrow morning for Michael Jackson. I was one of the first to apply online since I was home when the first announcement came flashing across the television screen announcing information about applying for tickets. I applied with three different email addresses, too.

Alas, I will be watching it from home. I guess that's better anyway, but I was willing to fight the traffic and people. No matter what anyone says, Michael Jackson was an amazing entertainer, artist, song writer, and singer. I remember my first album being "Thriller".... on a record! I would make up dance routines in my basement as a little girl to songs like "Beat It" and "Billy Jean." I still remember some of them to this day! Losing Michael Jackson is like losing a big part of my childhood. I grew up with his music and can mark time periods in my life by his songs.

Perhaps this man was very misunderstood (or not) during his lifetime, but he certainly helped pave the way for many artists in the music industry today. He allowed African American's to be in homes across America through television, magazines, and music. He alone did this despite ridicule, persecution, speculation, and criticism. It's a reminder to us all that we have a choice to leave a legacy when we pass away.

How will people remember you?

"I Run To You"

I stumbled across this song on YouTube while looking for information on a rehab facility called "Project Walk" in Carlsbad, CA that I'm interested in one day soon becoming a part of. (Finances are stopping me at the moment as it's rather expensive.  But, the things they are doing to help make people with spinal cord injuries walk again are amazing!  I hope I can get there soon.) 

This song is powerful.  I could have easily uttered the same words in this song when I first got hurt almost 9 years ago. I'm thankful that I've had Jesus to walk beside me through all the hurts, pains, and tears in life as I struggled with this unwanted disability, not knowing why Jesus allowed it to happen.  

"I Run To You" by Take No Glory.  Come to find out, they are located right in my backyard of where I live.  I'll have to check out which church they worship at.  I've never heard of these guys until now, but I love the simplicity of the song yet how movingly powerful it is.  You can visit their website and download their cd for free.  Yes, FREE!

Thank you, Lord, for sprinkling a little bit of You down from Heaven exactly when we need it here on earth.

Feeling Defeated... Again

Do you ever feel like there is no one around you who you can talk to? No one who will just listen? Only people who try to understand but really just wants to give their input or suggestions first? Do you ever long for someone to talk to who just "gets it"? I go through phases like this in my life, and I'm back to that mentality again of not trusting anyone. It seems like just when I get comfortable with someone and allow myself to become vulnerable is when they say something that is off the mark to make me crawl back into my shell. How many times does one allow herself to get punched before you finally just move out of the way?

Within weeks after my accident, the rehab facility I went to assigned people to various classes to learn how to cope with your disability. There were classes like bladder and bowel management, sexuality issues, and eating/exercise suggestions. I also remember there being a class on assertiveness. In that class, it taught us how to stick up for ourselves and our needs without feeling like we are a hinderance to an unaccessible world - both physically and mentally. I quickly began using the skills I learned when dealing with many situations so that I was not only teaching people about my needs and abilities/limitations, but also teaching them what my rights and value as a human being were - despite (and because of) the fact I had a disability. I felt empowered when I was assertive, but at the same time, I felt like I was becoming that "angry, bitter woman" who saw life as the glass half empty.

During this time, I learned that the world is not a kind place. People don't want to hear about your "disabled life." They pretend that they are listening, but they really don't care. And, they assume they know what's best for you based on what little information they know about you. So, instead of being assertive, I learned to just "go with the flow" and not make waves. I learned to just let them think what they did and not care about teaching them right from wrong. It was easier. It was easier for me to try to adapt to the rest of the world than to try to convince the whole world to try to make adaptations for me. After all, how many times do you hit your head against a brick wall before you realize you're bleeding all over the place and the wall isn't going to move?

I've always been a trail-blazer in my life. And oftentimes not by choice. Honestly, it's not always the most fun place to be. I feel like I'm always on the front-lines so that other people can have an easier life. There are some days I wish that my life were easier. It seems as if I never have any downtime or relief from this busy life, then add on top of that the fact I'm disabled. There is so much more to do each day in my life than the average able-bodied person has to do just to live. That's not an excuse. It's reality. So why do I feel like my effort still isn't good enough even though I'm pedaling twice as hard just to keep up? And when "accommodations" are made for me, it appears as if I'm slacking or lazy to everyone else.

Once again, I've tried opening myself up to the realities of life with a disability to outsiders, and it has caused me to once again to decide to walk that fine line of being respectfully assertive or to just give in to what they think is "best". I'm about to just say "enough is enough" and give in. I've worked beyond exhaustion, and it still doesn't seem like it's good enough. I'm not superwoman. I can't do it all. But because I have a disability, I feel as if I have to prove to everyone that I can do it all. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

My honesty right now is just that.... honesty. I'm not saying this is what the Lord wants me to do, but it's what I humanly feel right now. Depleted. Exhausted. Broken-hearted. Disappointed. And defeated.

The Cost of Trying to Help Africa

I'm struggling right now with the hinderances this disability creates in my life. Each day, there are things that drive me nuts that I wish I didn't have to deal with now simply because I use a wheelchair. Most recently is the trip I'm planning to take to Rwanda to help deliver wheelchairs to those in need. If you've watched the movie, "Hotel Rwanda" or know about the terrible genocide that occurred there years ago, then you know of the devastating effect it had not only on the country, but the entire world. Slowly, they are rebuilding. However, there is still so many people still effected by the war. Namely, many were left disabled.

Rwanda is supposedly a very hilly country with no disability access at all. In fact, it's named, "The land of a thousand hills." The government is just getting around to creating laws for those who are disabled, however the majority of the country is still not "wheelchair friendly"... yet. I just got off the phone with the director whom I've been reporting to at church, and I asked him to be straight-forward and realistic about what I'll be encountering. Basically, I'm going to need to hire help 100% of the time to help me get anywhere. I will not be able to be independent at all. This makes my heart sink and tears well up in my eyes because I am so determined to help those in Rwanda get wheelchairs. I really want to be an encouragement to those receiving a wheelchair for the first time, facilitate training on how to use a wheelchair, and have the opportunity to speak to the government officials about the need for a more inclusive plan within the community for those with disabilities. After all, if we're going to be giving 550 wheelchairs to people for free, they need to be able to use them freely within their community.

I don't want people having to wait on me to get up a hill or have help up stairs or lift me into narrow quarters thus hindering their experience. I never want someone else to miss out on opportunities simply because I'm disadvantaged and need "extra help." Times like right now is when I HATE being disabled. I hate having to use this wheelchair at times. It's so frustrating to have the mental capacity and passion to want to do something so bad, yet the physical body keeps me hindered. I want to share Jesus with the people of Rwanda through them getting a wheelchair! So, why is it so hard for me to get there to them? What is the cost of trying to help someone?

At this point, I don't know that I'll be able to travel to Rwanda. I basically need two "personal attendants" whose sole responsibility would be to help lift me and carry me wherever I needed to go. Not the ideal 2 weeks off of work to spend in Africa for $3800. But, if there's anyone out there who would either be willing to pay for me to take two people or if you yourself would be willing to go, please let me know. I'd prefer that I know you or know someone who knows you if you're personally going to be going with me. Otherwise, personally funding two attendants would be a tremendous blessing to help carry out God's work in Rwanda. I truly believe that I am a necessary part to the big picture in Rwanda.

I know that nothing stops God's will from taking place in life. If it is His will for me to travel to Rwanda in September, He'll work out all the details. I do not want to force my own desires onto a plan that may not be for me to be a part of. But, it still doesn't make sitting in this wheelchair any easier. Most of the time, I look through the eyes of the "glass half full."

Times like this make me see it so very empty...

I pray first for my own faith, and second, for others to be sensitive to this request and respond as the Lord leads you, whether through prayer or by personally or financially contributing to this need. Thank you for hearing my heart.

Overwhelmed with Blessings

I was asked today by my boss if I was praying dangerously. I casually laughed, because I have been for so long. I've prayed that God would begin to turn things around for me in ways that were only explainable as Him doing the work through me. Sadly, I don't know that my entire spirit believed that it would actually become what it is today.

Never in a million years did I ever expect my life to be so blessed. I mean, I knew God had the capacity, but didn't really think that where I am now was ever in the cards. My dreams and expectations have all been exceeded in dramatic ways! The windows of heaven have opened up and are pouring over me so fast I feel as if I'm drowning! I don't feel as if I'm ready for the assignment at task. I don't feel competent enough, strong enough, or able enough to take on the blessings He's bestowed onto me. During my season of sowing through prayer, I was challenged in many ways to ask and seek. I was challenged to think beyond what my human mind could dream as possible and to expect the Lord to hear me in my time of desperation. To my surprise, the Lord has given me more than I prayed for! Abundance! Praise the Lord for abundance because my "storage house" is overflowing! But with sudden abundance comes a sense of feeling very overwhelmed.

I have felt very selfish for rejoicing during this time of my life. In fact, I have minimized and downplayed a lot of what's happened as to not draw a lot of attention to myself fearing that others would think I was boasting. Over the past month, I've really struggled with being publicly ok to celebrate the blessings in my life. I've been quiet about it, and I've kept things hush-hush among different circles. I was reminded with a swift "kick in the rear" by my mentor that God never intends for us to be quiet about the things He is doing!! It is perfectly ok for me to boast about the Lord and the great things He has done! I was also reminded of my co-dependency tendency to "not be happy unless you're happy" mentality. In all truthfulness, that mentality doesn't allow God to move in ways only He is able because I'm still trying to go back to where I once was. Not good!

It's a new season of change for me and my role as a daughter of the King. I've never been challenged in this capacity to "pray dangerously" and to be ready for the results while "living joyfully" - during both the good and the bad times. So with boldness and thanksgiving to my King I shout "YES, I am a daughter of a King most High and praise Him joyfully for his blessings in my life!" May I not ever be ashamed of the One who brought me through my trials and into the land of Victory!

The Hand of God, The Feet of Jesus

I'm always inspired and encouraged to be in the presence of people whose life I can clearly see the hand of God over. It's my belief that God's hand is easily seen with the human eye when the individual has fully submitted - out of obedience - to the will of God. It is these people to whom I want to draw nearer to.

I had the blessed privilege of meeting an amazing man of God this weekend while in Atlanta, GA. He is an anointed worship leader, a counselor, a pastor, a healer, a visionary, a son, and a friend among so much more. His faith in the Lord, his escape from the enemy on multiple occasions, and his desire to live a selfless yet focused life deserves a standing ovation at the least. Addison Baker has a gentleness about him, yet has the power of a thousand men to engage in spiritual battle if necessary. He clearly puts on the armour of God every day and speaks in truth and love with every conversation (not to mention has a voice from heaven).

I remember when I first became paralyzed, I heard Louie Giglio speak a sermon at Northpoint Church in Alpharetta, GA in reference to Mark 2. In this chapter, Jesus had arrived in the city of Capernaum where people gathered in a local home to hear him speak the word. A group of men brought their friend, who was paralyzed, to hear Jesus speak, but so many people were in attendance that there was no room left in the room or even outside the door! They concocted a brilliant plan and hoisted him up to the top of the home, dug a hole through the roof, and lowered him down to see Jesus. What a sight that must have been! You see, this man wasn't going to Jesus to be healed, but rather, he simply wanted to be at the feet of Jesus to soak in advice, encouragement, and direction. I remember to this day how powerful that story was in my life at just 3 weeks post injury. I remember thinking "if I could only get to the point where I wasn't going to Jesus with expectations or requests to heal my body and make me walk again, but rather I could get to the point where I went to Him simply because I wanted to be closer to Him just because." Jesus took the opportunity to teach a lesson to a few skeptics in the home where they were gathered, and soon afterwards He did in fact heal the paralyzed man. All glory was given to God after witnessing this miracle!

After reflecting on my time in Atlanta, I believe that Mr. Baker's motivation of life is truly driven by the simple fact that he yearns for the sole opportunity to be closer to Jesus, no matter what the cost. There's no "if you do this, God, I'll do that" or "if I do this for you, you better do that for me" with him. After only a few minutes with this man, it's clear to see the hand of God all over his life.

My desire is that my life will also clearly reflect God's hand, provision, and grace as He has in Mr. Baker's life, no matter whether God decides to make me walk again or not. Sitting at the feet of Jesus is my greatest desire.

For more information on Addison Baker or to schedule an appearance, please visit his website at www.addisonbaker.com.

Photo Shoot for Title

I took my headshot pictures this past weekend with a great photographer at Silverline Photography named Victor Carreon. Take a look below! I'm still waiting on the rest of them to get uploaded to the site, and once I can see them all, I will be choosing a few to reproduce for signings.

I am very proud to represent those with disabilities in the state of California and help bring issues such as inclusion and access into public view. As you can imagine, there are many costs that go with this responsibility including travel expenses, fees, and registration costs (both for the national competition and my spot on the Rose Parade float.) If you would like to help support the work I'm doing around the state of California, please consider making a monetary donation to the Ms. Wheelchair California organization. For more information on where to direct your support, please click here.

2009 Ms. Wheelchair California

Yesterday, I was crowned the 2009 Ms. Wheelchair California up in Sacramento at the State Capitol! I am so excited about this opportunity to bring awareness to those with disabilities and to educate the public on the importance of inclusion and equal rights for everyone. It's going to be a great year!

You can follow my journey as Ms. Wheelchair California in the year to come by going to the Ms. Wheelchair California blog. I'll continue to keep this one updated, too. There are lots of fun pictures on the site, so be sure to check it out! I will be heading to South Dakota at the end of August to compete at the national level!

Also, check out a video of the crowning which made the evening news in Sacramento by clicking here. Be sure to turn up your speakers! :)

The Price Is Right!

On Monday, I took the day off of work to entertain out of town guests. One of the things they wanted to do while visiting was to attend a taping of the “Price Is Right” in Los Angeles. After hours of standing in line, we finally made it inside the studio and taping had begun.

I went into the taping convinced that there was no way they’d call someone to Contestant’s Row in a wheelchair. I have been watching the show for many years and have never seen them call someone in a wheelchair. Most people don't want to deal with the logistics and to make sure we are accommodated for, even though it may be something easy and simple. After all, I was just one person out of the crowd of 320 people that they had to worry about that day. Sadly, I feel like I miss out on a lot of opportunities because others don't want to be "bothered."

I was unbelievably shocked that I actually heard them say, “Alyson Roth, come on down! You’re the next contestant on the Price Is Right!” Never in a million years would I have ever guessed they would allow me to participate in the fun along with everyone else that walked into the studio that day.

During the commercial breaks, Drew Carey (the host) asked me where I was from and what I did for a living. I told him all about Free Wheelchair Mission and how we help give wheelchairs to those in developing countries who have no other way to get around. The audience started chanting, "Give her the money!" You see, if a contestant bids the exact amount of the prize they are bidding on, they win $500 cash in addition to winning the prize. Well, hardly anyone gets that, so the audience was yelling for Drew to give it to me! And he did! The only thing he asked was that I give it to Free Wheelchair Mission to use to purchase wheelchairs! Thank you CBS Entertainment and the “Price Is Right” for giving the gift of mobility to 10 people around the world!

The taping of the show will air on Monday, April 13th on CBS. Check your local listings for times. (And don't mind my shocked look when I get called! LOL!)

UPDATE: Click here to check out the show! I am shown at 20 minutes, 40 seconds, so scroll ahead if you don't want to watch all of it!

Only You Can Be You

I am blessed and amazed at how God works in my life. Almost nine years ago, I was devastated by this turn in my life as I tried to navigate my day in wheelchair as opposed to walking. I was faced with challenges of inadequacies, negative self-talk, and loneliness. I had no idea why God had caused this accident and left me this way. Nine years later, I'm blown away at where God has brought me and the ways He uses me and the pains in my life for good.

About a month ago, I was introduced to one of our pastors at Saddleback Church, Erik Rees (left in picture above). After hearing my story regarding my accident and how it eventually brought me to Free Wheelchair Mission, he swiftly asked for the opportunity to capture it on film for his new book coming out in July called, "Only You Can Be You." In his book, there are three main points: Surrender, Stewardship, and Serving Others. I was blessed by the opportunity this week to share my story with him and have it captured on film by producer, Ted Parker (right in picture above). I had the best time with these two men! Both are such good, down to earth people which made the experience that much easier to open up in. God's provision and plan for my life continues to blow me away. I'm thankful that God has blessed me with the gift of speaking with such ease. I don't take for granted that that gift isn't given to everyone. It charges me up and energizes me in a way like nothing else can! I love the adreneline it creates, the freedom it releases in other people, and the connection that I make with God each and everytime as I am reminded of his provision and grace in my life. I pray that God continues to open doors to allow me to use my gifts and talents to better His Kingdom.

Thanks Erik and Ted for such a fun day! I know this is just the beginning to a long friendship and partnership. I look forward to many more events and opportunities to work together in the near future!

(To read more about Erik Rees and his upcoming book, "Only You Can Be You," please go to Erik's website at www.erikrees.com.)

What Would You Do With $50?

(Narration done by actor Jim Carrey)

For only $51.29, you can help give the gift of mobilty and change someone's life forever. I know what it means to need a wheelchair. Please don't let someone in a developing country have to go without the feeling of hope, confidence, and that Jesus loves them simply because they can't afford to have a wheelchair.

In this hard economic time, it's important that our money gets the most value out of it. Watch this video and then tell me, do you still see a plastic white chair? How much is it worth to you to see the smile on a child's face?



This is why I love my job!

To make a donation, please visit Free Wheelchair Mission. $51.29... simple and affordable.

Prayer Request

Hi everyone! I'm asking for prayers in the next two weeks. I have many big things happening in my life both professionally and personally that are great things, but I'm having a hard time finding time to do it all and sleep, too! :) Please remember me in your prayers and pray that God would give me the strength, stamina, and focus to complete everything and be prepared for each. I will update everything after it is all over!! Thank you for surrounding me with angels!

From A Distance

*Note: Picture above is of my car accident in July 2000. *

"There's always someone worse off than you." Those words ring in my ears from childhood, having heard my mom say it more times than not. As a teenager, I always thought my family was the worst on the block, that my parents didn't allow me to do anything, and that I was living a life as close to the bottom of the barrel as it gets. I know now that that thinking was not accurate. But, in my finite mind of "teenager-hood," it was all I knew.

I don't often get the opportunity to say those words to myself now because typically, I'm "worse" than the average American. It takes me longer to do everything from getting ready in the morning, to going to the bathroom, to getting in a car, to carrying groceries in the house. A bad day for me is when it rains and I can't carry an umbrella. When my wheelchair pushes away from me after transferring out of it (meaning I can't reach it to get back in it). When my bladder doesn't hold. When my spasms are so bad they knock me out of my chair. When I can't reach the baking powder that's on the tallest shelf in the grocery store.

But tonight, I met someone to whose words I spoke felt empty to me and where my bad days seemed rather, well, good. Through conversation at a class I'm taking at church, I met a woman named Elizabeth who in December 2007 lost her daughter, Yesenia, in a car accident very similar to mine. Yesenia was only 4 days shy of her 27th birthday. It's only been 15 months for her since her daughter tragically passed away, and for once I felt helpless, without the appropriate words to express my sympathy. "I'm so sorry" didn't seem to match the grief she is surely facing. I felt guilty sitting in front of her in my wheelchair, sharing with her my story and it's similarities with that of her daughter. However, the ending was obviously different. And although it doesn't make her grief go away, I sadly know there is someone out there "worse" than her.

Grief, pain, and sorrow all have the same feeling of loneliness and helplessness, no matter what the manifestation it takes. Over the 9 years I've been paralyzed, I have experienced various forms at various times. Although the outbursts are few and far between now as I have dealt with the majority of the issues, there are still times the devil tries to pry his way into my happiness. But, the pain of losing a loved one, having to ID her body in the morgue, having to lay her body to rest? That grief I do not know. It is unbearable for me to think of, and frankly pathetic for me to try to compare my grief to that of this mothers grief.

Bette Midler sung a song that became popular in 1990 called "From A Distance." In it, it speaks of a life full of peace, happiness, and love.

From a distance the world looks blue and green,

and the snow-capped mountains white.

From a distance the ocean meets the stream,

and the eagle takes to flight.

From a distance, there is harmony,

and it echoes through the land.

It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace,

it's the voice of every man.

From a distance we all have enough,

and no one is in need.

And there are no guns, no bombs,

and no disease,no hungry mouths to feed.

From a distance we are instruments

marching in a common band.

Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace.

They're the songs of every man.

God is watching us. God is watching us.

God is watching us from a distance.

From a distance you look like my friend,

even though we are at war.

From a distance I just cannot comprehend

what all this fighting is for.

From a distance there is harmony,

and it echoes through the land.

And it's the hope of hopes,

it's the love of loves,

it's the heart of every man.

From a distance, you would think the woman I met tonight was just like any average American woman. Working hard, tending to her husband and family, and doing the best she could to make her dreams come true. However, when we take a moment to take a deeper look, a closer look (as opposed to one "from a distance"), we see that she is a woman who has endured much heartache and pain. She is now a mother without her daughter, and a heart that seems no longer whole.

May we all take a moment each day to give grace to people and look a little deeper into their lives to see what lies beneath their water-filled eyes. "There's always someone worse off than you," as my mother would say. But may we never wish to love people... from a distance.

You can read more about Yesenia and her beautiful passion for life by going to Yesenia's Humanitarian Foundation.

Changing Lives in Mexico!

Wow, going to Mexico was amazing! It reminded me how much I miss developing countries - the people, the landscape, the food, the way of life. You realize how much we really can do without here in America, and was a sobering reminder for me to be grateful for what I have (and have accomplished) because of where I live.

Mexico is only about an hour and a half drive from where I live, but due to the government strife in Mexico and my disability, I haven't ventured there on my own since moving here in 2005 - but have very much wanted to go. I was very excited, needless to say, about this opportunity to not only visit, but to also go with a purpose! I went with my co-workers at Free Wheelchair Mission to help distribute free wheelchairs to the poorest of the poor in Rosarito, Mexico. It definitely helps make my job that much more exciting!

Heading down to Mexico, you are greeted with a friendly sign letting you know the International Border is coming up.

It progressively gets worse, though, and the big warning that you are now heading to Mexico means there is no returning back to the US!! Aaah!
The international border contains a strenuous control check on the other side if you're coming back into the US, but heading into Mexico, there's not much concern for anything (although they do have the Mexican military in full force at the check point). We did, however, get asked to pull over to get searched, but their search consisted of tapping one side of the van we were in about 3 times with the palm of their hand and then waved on that that was it. LOL!

My first time in Tijuana, Mexico! You can see the big Mexican flag that greets you as well as the traffic trying to head back into the US.
We missed the turn to Rosarito (which happens really soon after entering the country) due to my excitement of trying to see it all, take pictures, and be the navigator of directions. So, we ended up wandering through parts of downtown Tijuana that were, well, rather interesting. Behind us, a huge combat vehicle (which I didn't get a picture of) filled with armed military personnel followed us for quite some time. (They weren't following us, they just happened to be behind us.) One of the signs you're in a developing country when you see armed military carrying machine guns!

Heading down the coast was beautiful. The ocean is a clear blue, and even the air doesn't seem so full of smog. The houses are modest (mixed with shacks and huts every now and then), and upon entering into Rosarito, there are several large condo and resort complexes being built. Obviously for foreigners! A huge statue of Jesus even welcomes you further down the coast!

We arrived in Rosarito, Mexico and began assembling the wheelchairs at City Hall. The Secretary General (who is next in line to the Mayor), Javier Hernandez Tovalin, was with us to help distribute them. It was a beautiful day for assembling! We even had helpers from the local Drug Rehab facility getting community service hours. Upon translation, they were very happy to help us because they wanted to show others that just because they are have tatooes all over their body doesn't mean they are "hoodlums." They were very so helpful and well appreciated!

We were able to deliver three wheelchairs. The first was a man who was 104 years old! He was bit by a snake a year ago and lost his leg. He's been stuck in his house ever since. He will now be able to use the wheelchair to get around independently! Can you believe he's 104 years old? He doesn't look it at all! (When questioning his age, he proudly pulled out his ID card to prove it!)

The second recipient of a wheelchair was in another part of town. She hadn't been out of her house in a very long time, either, and now she can breathe fresh air and feel the sunshine on her face! A co-worker of mine took her first walk. How awesome!

The third recipient was in a newer part of town, but very complicated to get to. He was a 40 year old man who had been hit by a taxi driver. Trying to get into his house was very tough for me (trenches, broken glass, and narrow opening). The house was two rooms: a kitchen and bedroom. Wooden walls and a dirt floor. Javier Tovalin, Secretary General of Rosarito, accompanied us on each distribution and encouraged each receipient.

We were all very tired after such a long day and were looking forward to a good meal. We ate at a local restuarant which was famous for it's lobster. The owner of the resaurant was so excited to have us there (we were the only people in the restaurant). He served us great food that included chips, fresh salsa, carne asada, fresh lobster, and then.... snails. I was encouraged to try them. In highschool, it was a big deal to get "escargo" when you went to Prom. I guess this showed that you could afford ''high society" delicacies. I never cared or wanted to eat snails, but was coaxed to try them at this restaurant. I was not pleased by their taste at all as you can see from the video! That's the owner of the restaurant handing me a napkin to spit it out in in the video! I didn't want to be rude (although I did want to spit it out), so I just swallowed it.

No authentic Mexican meal would be complete without a serende!

After such an event filled day, we all piled back into the van and drove back to Orange County, California. We sat in line waiting to get back into the US for over an hour upon which we were greeted by many peddlers trying to sell their wares. It was quite funny to see how low we could get them to go!

I am thankful for the opportunity to help give wheelchairs to those in desepate need. It is so important that basic needs are met for people all around the world (food, water, shelter), but I also feel that a wheelchair (or other type of mobility aide) is necessary, too. People should not be forced to stay in their homes, crawl on the ground, or be disgarded by society as less-than because they are disabled. There are so many people out there who need wheelchairs and who's lives are dramatically changed by one simple gift. For more information on how to support giving a wheelchair to someone in a developing country, please visit the Free Wheelchair Mission's website. $51.29 can change someone's life forever!

Mexico-Bound!

I'm headed to Mexico tomorrow to deliver wheelchairs to the poorest of the poor who have no way to be mobile. This will be my first distribution trip, and I am utterly excited! It's amazing to me that I'll be able to give the transformative gift of a wheelchair to someone who has otherwise been left to crawl on the ground, sit in a back room, or be carried by a family member. Please be praying for our safety tomorrow as there are a lot of issues in Mexico right now. Most importantly, pray that lives are changed and that they see Jesus in all of us!!